Dating Tropes Explained – Part III – Why isn’t there a woman for me?

Spoiler Alert: Because you have nothing, or very little, to offer, you selfish prick.

Although you have to admit, asking why there isn’t a woman for you is the epitome of self-entitlement. Ergo, selfish prick.

Let’s start over.

“Vichet!”

Yah?

“There’s never any women out there for me!”

O RLY?

“YA RLY!”

Yeah… that’s true, in a way. I’ve already touched on this. I wrote last post that there are 3 billion women on this planet, and not many of them are into you. I could go into the math of it all, but someone else already has, using the Drake Equation (an equation to estimate the probability of finding alien civilizations based on a number of factors representing known statistical quantities).

Either way, I’m not here to talk about that. You have about as much individual control over the quantity of of available women out there as you have over the quantity of apples at the grocery store on a given day. You’re not the only factor affecting that quantity. That is to say you have no individual control on the number of available women out there, ever. Sorry.

Here’s what I AM going to talk about – every single person I’ve ever known who fixates on women as a source of happiness, has admitted to me to being extremely dissatisfied with their personal life. Every single one.

I’ve heard these guys talk about:

  • Panic attacks
  • Low feelings of self-worth
  • General anxiety
  • Feelings of frustration, bordering on hostility

That’s no good. And all this is because of something they have no control over – women, right?

Wow, that sounds a lot more misogynistic when I type it out. No harm intended, ladies.

Fellas, if you’ve ever felt these emotions in relation to women or your social life in general, I’m here to tell you that at least half of it is your fault. You’re feeling that anxiety for a reason, right?

You’re the only one who has control over how you react to any given situation. If you’re unhappy with how you’re doing in the dating game, you have the obligation to make positive changes in your own life. The good news is that you DO have individual control over how attractive you seem overall, and there is a wealth of guys out there who are willing to give you practical information on how to do it, for free (thanks, Vichet!).

First, we’ve got to get your mind right. Let’s start by asking a question that requires you to be brutally honest with yourself:

Why would anyone want to date you?

That was kind of a harsh way to put it, but it was also funny (if you’re me). I’ve already asked myself this many times in the past, and still do. I figure, if don’t knock yourself down, someone else will do it for you (in a heartbreak-y, no-more-sex-for-you kind of way).

But seriously. If you were one of the apples at a grocery store, what makes you stand out over the other apples?

A shiny sticker?

Pesticides? (I drink RAID tm every day!)

I’ll assume that if you’re reading a dating blog for actual advice, your answer is something like:

“I duno Vichet im just a nrml averege guy lololol.”

Okay, maybe not that bad, or 5th grade-like. But see, that answer, to me, means that a) you really are average or b) you have a self-esteem issue, both of which I will try to guide you through in this article.

So you’re an Average Joe. There’s nothing wrong with being an average guy. By definition, you are neither socially advantaged or disadvantaged. The problem is that we both know the average guy probably doesn’t get laid as much as he’d like to. If you want to argue, take some pills to forget why you came here in the first place, and go do it on a blog that isn’t about male dating advice, because your bullshit won’t fly here.

And ladies, just so you don’t get your panties in a wad, no, the goal isn’t getting you all into bed, either. Gosh, you think it’s all about you, average Jane?

If you’re an Average Joe, I want you to do this: imagine the Ultimate Man version of you.

I’ll do this on myself:

Vichet is currently…

  • An unpublished writer working on my first novel.
  • A newbie ballet and modern dancer who performs with various student groups.
  • A veteran competitive Latin dancer who has lots of room to improve.
  • Working full time (9-5, M-F).
  • Taking occasional trips on weekends.

The Ultimate Man version of Vichet…

  • Is published.
  • Performs ballet and modern at a semi-professional level.
  • Is a regional champion in competitive Latin.
  • Does not have to be in an office 40 hours a week.
  • Takes trips to interesting places and has adventures at least 3 months out of the year.
  • Is semi-retired, serving bar at a 5 seat bar somewhere Philadelphia that is only open during the early Summer, and only serves one drink: Vichet’s choice.
  • Has performed standup comedy at some point.
  • Has appeared as a minor character in any Frat Pack movie. I’m thinking Blades of Glory, but with ballroom dancing.

Pro-tip: You may have noticed that my Ultimate Man version of myself has a couple of attributes highlighted in bold. These are the do-or-die goals. The ones that I feel I need to achieve in order to feel okay about dying – if you want 10 things in your life, figure out which 3 or 4 are the most important, and dedicate every free moment (that isn’t already dedicated to feeding you and putting shelter over your head – mutual independence) you have to achieving those goals. Science has proven that we are shitty multitaskers. Don’t point at people like Ben Franklin and Teddy Roosevelt, who were awesome at everything (and consequently, ladies men), saying “but THEY were able to multitask,” because to assume you are capable of doing what they have done is not just hubris, but is also way more than necessary to be a happy, functioning human being.

Anyway, the basic idea is that you know what you want – you just might be afraid to say it. You might be afraid of failing. Because, if you lay it out on paper, you have “where you are now,” and “where you want to be,” and 80 percent of the time those goals are pretty straightforward. They just require a LOT of work. And you might fail. And then it’s all on you.

Now we’re really getting to the root of that anxiety, yeah?

“Okay. I guess I can be happier in other areas of my life. But we were talking about how to get girls. How do I get girls?”

No, see, you were talking about how to get girls. I was talking about how boring you are and explaining why the girls who probably could find you interesting at some point don’t find you interesting right now.

“Oh… okay. I get it. So, I do all these things, and then awesome women will dig me and give me handies under the table at my friend’s wedding, right?”

Not quite. I mean, ask any really successful guy who isn’t socially retarded in some way. There will still be some women who just don’t dig you.

And also, when you become a more attractive person, you will start meeting women who dig you that you have no interest in. You’ve probably never experienced that yet, but when you do, you’ll finally understand what’s going through a woman’s head when she just doesn’t return the phone calls and never has time to spend with you.

“But Vichet, my life goal is to find the right woman, lololololol.”

No. No, no, no. If your life goal list is “get women,” then you have missed the point, and I guarantee you will fail, even at that.

You set your life goals for YOU. Remember, this is about YOU. Look at the elements of your life:

  1. Providing for yourself
  2. Professional achievement
  3. Personal achievement
  4. Social happiness (women are a subgroup of this)
  5. Other stuff because Vichet didn’t feel like coming up with more categories

So, all things taking up relatively equal shares, women are at the most 25 percent of your life. The only reason you’re so fixated on women right now is because you have nothing else going on, and having nothing going on is the least attractive thing about you.

Women are guilty of this, too. I actively work on my priorities every day, and if a girl has nothing going on outside of her “occupation,” then I find it very hard to convince myself that she’s an interesting person worth committing a lot of time to. Any girl who wants to date me has to have goals that I can support, and must support my goals (non-conflicting life goals). Otherwise, what’s the point?

So, sorry ladies, having a vagina does not make you interesting.

But fellas, having a dick doesn’t give you a right to anything, either. Go out there and be interesting. The fact that I even have to explain this is just… ugh. Gross.

Truthfully, the reason I write these posts is because there was a time when I wish someone was telling me all this stuff. We’ll get into the hampered development of social graces in Asian American males some other day.

But, mentors can only give you a direction. It’s on YOU to get where you need to be.

So, fellas, this whole article boils down to this: become the Ultimate Man version of yourself, and you will be happy, with or without a woman… though you’ll have a lot more of those, too. So… yeah. Win, win!

3 Responses to Dating Tropes Explained – Part III – Why isn’t there a woman for me?

  1. guesswho says:

    alright so here’s my beef with your post: you think that people are only defined by a few bullet points of what they do. not at all the list of a things a woman looks for. trust me, her list doesn’t include specifications on how often you travel. it includes things like, “smart” and “funny.”

    i don’t think a woman’s interest hangs so much on tangible accomplishments (though these are nice) as it does on what you have to say. you think all a girl wants to hear about is what you’re up to? let’s talk about what you liked studying in college, what happened in Syria last week, how China is at war with google, maybe something nerdy like noticing that today is PI day. (best day ever!)

    being a published writer is awesome, but so is HAVING STORIES/OPINIONS TO SHARE.
    being a stand-up comedian is awesome, but so is BEING FUNNY.

    i think your advice to men is misguiding by emphasizing achievement. you do not have to be a stand-up comedian to get a date!
    what’s important is that you’re interested in things. if they happen to be things that yo lady is interested in (diethyl zinc additions? AIDS epidemiology?) it sounds like you have something.

    ps you must have landed a supermodel to be throwin out all this advice man

    • itsmevichet says:

      And my beef with your response is that you’re assuming the kind of guy who needs this advice already has stories to tell, or is already funny.

      You get that way by following your passions, by being a good version of you. If I were to give advice to a guy, and say “be funny” or “tell interesting stories,” that’s his opportunity to lie or look on the internet for canned lines. Pick-up-artist type stuff that doesn’t work in the long run.

      Also, this is about the man being happy with himself. If he’s happy with himself, he will avoid 90 percent of the neuroses that destroy relationships before they start, and 50 percent of the problems that destroy relationships when he’s in them.

      Of course he has to have basic social graces, but that’s the icing on the cake. We’re getting there, miss.

      Also, who I date is none of yo bidness.

  2. I'm A Girl says:

    This is in response to guesswho:

    I think you missed the point of the whole post. Vichet wasn’t saying that you have to have particular interests or do certain things to get a woman to notice you. He was actually saying that you have to be right in your own mind and comfortable with yourself (Know Yourself Well) before trying to have any kind of relationship with anyone. It’s about being comfortable in your own skin and finding that happiness. Once you find that, getting a girl just became a million times easier. Also, don’t rag on Vichet’s confidence. You’re on here because you lack the confidence, so take the advice and stop hatin’.

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