Quick Dating Tips – Womanese

Ah, womanese – the true language of elusive woman!

Right now some of you ladies are saying “Vichet, you sexist prick! Women don’t have a secret language!”

Which is really womanese for “Vichet, you clever asshole! Stop spilling the beans on our secret language!”

Don’t worry, ladies, I’m here to help. I promise you some day that there will be less guys bothering you about dates you don’t want to go on.

Just kidding, even I can’t make that boast.

Fellas – break out the notepad. And prepare to ask some questions – I’m an expert on what women want (it’s easy to be an expert when the answer is “not you” 90 percent of the time). If a woman said something that confused you, I will translate it for you all in a post on my blog – ask a question today!

Anyway, guys, I’m sure some of you have been really confused sometimes by things women have said to you. I mean, we all know that “no means no.”

Please tell me that you know that “no means no.”

But what if she says something more cryptic and nuanced, like “get out of my house before I call the police?” I mean, is she hitting on you? Were her eyebrows raised? Was that… a CHALLENGE? What does she really mean in these situations? And what if you’re standing in your underwear and honestly don’t remember how you got there?

Well I’m here to give you a roadmap. A great man once said that “deaf men understand women best.”

Yes, that great man is me. And no, there isn’t really a secret language that women use to talk about guys, anymore than guys use euphemisms to talk about girls (“You have a very nice dress.” = “Goddamn, look at them titties!”… at least every time I say it).

I mean, really, a woman’s secret language, if any, are her actions.

But you were too busy staring at her cans, weren’t you? They’re very nice, I know.

Anyway, let’s get down to brass tacks – how do you read a woman’s actions?

“Oh, that’s easy,” some of the successful guys I know will say. “If she spends time with you, does good things for you, lets you make your moves and isn’t afraid to be seen in public with you, then you’re golden.” None of that advice has anything to do with what a woman says. Her words are optional bonuses, especially if she’s a poet, and you’re awesome enough to be written about.

The same successful men who told me that a good woman does good things also were aware of all of the different ways women say “no“:

  • “Maybe.”
  • “Let me check my schedule.”
  • “How about another time?” – at least the cases when she doesn’t mention another time in the same sentence.
  • “I’m really busy this week/month/year/go kill yourself.”

There’s also “silent womanese.” Successful men are also fluent in silent womanese. Here is how she says “I don’t like you like that (or at all)” in silent womanese:

  • She doesn’t call you.
  • She doesn’t hang out with you.
  • She pulls away when you try to stand close to her.
  • She has a boyfriend, and isn’t even remotely trying to sneak around with someone creepin’ in the background like you.

The fact that I even have to mention the last one infuriates me on principle. Sure, the boyfriend might be a jerkoff who she will later dump for being clingy, but what does that say about you if you can’t walk away and find something better?

There are more ways to say “no” in womanese than I can count. There even exists a “delayed no.” A girl did this to me once:

  • “Here’s my number, let’s hang out sometime!”
  • Vichet calls – “How about a drink?”
  • “Umm… no.”

To be fair, I probably screwed something up along the way – she did give me her number at first. But the bottom line is that by the time I called she was no longer interested, and it doesn’t matter that I’d gotten her number! This last point is for all you guys who can’t understand that a woman’s interest level in you is dynamic. Just because she was warm before doesn’t mean she’ll be warm later, especially if you screw up.

But whatever. All the real mans get over it, and learn from it.

“But man, Vichet, why can’t women just say what they mean?”

Good point – I rarely attribute society to being a main driver in people’s actions, but having been in the clutches of social perception as a nerdy Asian American male while I was growing up, I know that society’s view of you takes a toll. On women, specifically, if a woman is direct and unambiguous when she says no, she’s considered a bitch. This is why womanese exists in the first place.

And, they’re most often considered bitches by the guys who couldn’t handle the rejections.

Thanks for ruining it for us, guys-who-can’t-take-rejection.

On another note, part of the reason successful guys are so successful is because they are GREAT at taking rejection.

That’s the coolest thing about them – they give precisely zero shits if a woman says no, and harbor no hard feelings. They just move on. I mean, they have to turn down ugly women all the time, right? Same deal.

In a lot of ways, that’s how they got successful in the first place. They’re willing to put their pride and necks on the line to be successful. So when things don’t go their way (usually), they’re good at recovering and seeking other opportunities. They’re flexible, and have a boatload of experiences that inform them as to how little it matters, in the grand scheme, when a woman declines to give up her number. So, they’ve gotten rejected LOTS of times, and know exactly when to spot one coming.

So ladies, I rarely give advice to your kind, but please, please, PLEASE, ladies, be unambiguous and direct when you say no. Being considered a bitch is better than being annoyed by countless clueless guys. Plus, your soul-crushing rejection will send these guys to seek out guys like me and become better people. You’re welcome, ladies.

But back to my anxious male readers – if you’re consistently confused by what women say and do around you (be honest to yourself), you’re not at the point of being a successful male yet. What women (and people in general) say matters way too much to you, because you have too little going on elsewhere in your life. That makes you inexperienced with life, and that same inexperience feeds into a vicious cycle, giving you a complex with women because you overvalue them.  Being inexperienced, you’re also very skeptical about this whole womanese thing. It’s because you’re operating on how you FEEL the world should work because you don’t have the experience to know how the world actually does work, and so the fact that someone is indirect with you (even if it’s to preserve your ego) incenses you. You believe that you ALWAYS mean what you say, and you think other people should to.

Long in short – you spend a lot of time focusing on things that are out of your control, instead of focusing on the things that are in your control, like taking your personal steps towards achieving your personal goals in life. Hint: I guarantee you, when you find your life goal, it damn sure won’t be a women.

Also, since you’ve never encountered a woman who does any nice things for you (because you have nothing to offer), you took the great, unadulterated advice about how an interested woman will treat you well, and you started looking for the holes, trying to investigate every little detail of what a girl does, all to analyze whether she’s into you or not.

And then all of her words and actions get confusing because you’ve not considered the fact that she’s just not interested, or is losing interest, and you have too little going on in the rest of your life to be willing to walk away (lack of mutual independence).

Conclusion: The more questions you have to ask about her interest in you, the weaker it is.

“But Vichet!” you protest. “What if a girl likes me but doesn’t show it?”

Okay.  Let’s say that’s the girl you’re talking about. She IS into you, but is mired in bullshit and isn’t willing to be normal about it and show it. But hey, you’re not being normal about it either, so now we have two social outcasts trying to procreate. Yay!

I’ve said it once, and before me, thousands of wise men have understood the same. I’ll say it again anyway – a sane, interested woman will make things as easy and clear as possible. She will give you nothing to analyze, because you’ll just know. You’ll be confident enough to ask her out, to pay attention to how she treats you, to LEAVE the situation if she doesn’t make the cut, and to try and go in for that kiss (or bang) if she does.

I mean, right now, you might be too much of a pussy to make a move, but hey – don’t say it’s because she was being unclear. Womanese is the simplest language ever conceived – it just can’t be read with by those with small accomplishments and big egos.

13 Responses to Quick Dating Tips – Womanese

  1. Don’t forget “You know, I’m not really feeling well” as a disguised “no”…

    • itsmevichet says:

      There are a million examples. Or more, depending on how creative the speaker is.

      It’s like porn – tough to define exactly, but you know it when you see it.

  2. Saphanie says:

    Hey you!! i have a question for you : when we say ” no ” why do you guys ask ” why? ” … Isn’t it clear enough ?!?! That’s why some Women use THE secret language
    (by the way , good job for all that work, keep going, you’re good)
    Saphanie

    • itsmevichet says:

      Let me try this…

      Quelques hommes ne peuvent pas comprendre qu’ils ne sont pas desirable. Ils n’ont pas de succes en vie, des histoires amusantes, ou autres choses importantes dehors de femmes.

      Alors, quand une femme leurs dit “non,” c’est un grande blessure a son fierte. C’est incroyable, pour quelques hommes.

      I hope that makes sense.

      Also, I have readers in France! Kickass!

    • Dave H. says:

      Ha, that’s true, right? If you’re rejected, you’re rejected.

      Though a guy might want to know so he can (hopefully) improve himself.

  3. Victoria Rattlehead says:

    I’m going to post an entire conversation that I’ve had with the author himself, and then post my response to him after that, so that what I’m going to say has some context.

    Me: My favorite thing about this article is how the obviously male author instructs women to give unambiguous nos while completely ignoring the reasons we give ambiguous nos in the first place (because direct nos might get us hurt or killed, and we might get forced into a yes anyway). It’s so easy to tell other people what to do when you’re not the one that has to deal with the consequences of following your own advice.

    Author: Have you tried saying no?

    Me: Yes, and I’ve been stalked and harassed and made profoundly uncomfortable. All that said, I personally do prefer saying no directly, if only because I prefer RECEIVING direct nos, but they are really not always the best option. I’ve also been browbeaten into giving my number to guys who I had no interest in contacting.

    Sometimes it’s best — as in, the safest option — to throw the guy a bone (in the form of a number and an “I’ll talk to you later”) as a diversion to prevent yourself from getting followed/harassed. I would not expect a man to understand this, because generally speaking, men are less likely to perceive women as a potential physical threat.

    Author: Are you being harassed and threatened more than 50 percent of the time?

    I’m not trying to make light of your situation, which was obviously terrible and frightening, but is this a regular occurrence for you?

    I ask because it seems irresponsible for me to give advice based on a small percentage of occurrences. Tantamount to saying “don’t go outside because you might get robbed.”

    Just a counterpoint. I’d rather not fill Ren’s wall up with arguments.

    Author: Yes. I would suggest asking other women about their experiences with giving direct nos, but I worry that 1) the sample size is not large enough, and 2) women might be reluctant to open up about their experiences.

    There’s also the small matter of how women are socialized. We are socialized to soften our nos as much as possible in any situation. Some bad guys use this to their advantage, which occasionally (not all the time) results in some really really terrible situations (date rape as the worst case scenario, with the whole “You didn’t fight/say no, so you must have really wanted it” thing hanging over the victim’s head). When a woman disagrees with a presented, she often prefaces it with “Sorry, but.” When a woman is invited somewhere she doesn’t feel like going, she prefaces her no with “Sorry, but” and gives an excuse which may or may not be true. If she can’t come up with a way to back out of an engagement, she’ll go through with it. I know, because I’ve been there.

    I thought that the point of her posting the article was so that her friends could comment on it and discuss it, so I’d actually prefer to take it back to the comment thread on the article, if you wouldn’t mind. I’d love to hear what other women have to say about it.

    Author: Feel free to comment directly on my blog. It’s gotten great response from my female friends, and honestly, a female POV is what most guys need to understand.

    To be fair, though, a lot of your points my article addressed directly:

    “… I know that society’s view of you takes a toll. On women, specifically, if a woman is direct and unambiguous when she says no, she’s considered a bitch. This is why womanese exists in the first place.”

    Just wondering if you felt that I wasn’t bringing up the issue.
    ***********
    So here’s my response to all that. You’re missing the entire point. Sure a woman who says no might be considering a bitch, but you seem to have overlooked my whole blurb about how saying no might get us hurt or killed. I understand that this seems really far-fetched to you, but there is absolutely no way of knowing whether or not some dude at a bar is going to follow me out and force himself on me, or become hostile toward my no.

    “Womanese” (I find this term a bit insulting, for a number of reasons) exists not only because we’re socialized not to be “bitches,” but also for our personal safety. A dude who I reject might ask me why I rejected him, and then follow me when I try to get away from him (this has happened to me a LOT). A dude with a number in his hand, even if it’s a fake number, is going to be satisfied and leave me alone.

    • itsmevichet says:

      Point taken and appreciated, and if this is the majority experience for women, then I can’t argue. I simply assumed that it wasn’t. I know lots of women who are called and texted day and night by clueless guys, not so much stalked or threatened.

      If stalking and threatening is where the male race has sunk to, this is a sad, sad day for me, and all the more reason guys need to know when “no means no.” If it wasn’t clear in my post, I believe that was the entire point of the article – to teach guys when no means no (all the time, leave her the hell alone).

      I hope you understand that this post isn’t meant to antagonize women – quite the opposite.

      The fake number trick is a good one, though – I’ll have to add that to my list.

      So, feel free to debate me on any point you like, but I think we’re looking at the same issue from two different points. You’re in control of your own actions (saying yes to get a guy to leave you alone), while we’re in control of our own (knowing when a woman says no so we leave her alone).

      • Victoria Rattlehead says:

        I never felt like the post was there to antagonize women, I simply felt like it offered simplistic and unrealistic advice to us, and generalizing our behaviors way out of context.

        This article would be much more useful to the male populace if it were even halfway explained WHY we behave the way we do in the presence of suitors. That way they can gain a deeper understanding of WHY we occasionally treat them so suspiciously, so that they can adjust their behavior to come across as less threatening and/or take it less personally when they have a “womanese” (*shudder*) encounter.

      • itsmevichet says:

        Hi Victoria,

        I appreciate and, believe it or not, understand your concerns – but this is a male dating advice blog, and I write to the issues of the male. I’m a pretty boastful guy, but I don’t think it’s my place to give this kind of advice to women, except in the context of how it will affect men.

        The main piece of advice in this article is that “no means no.” Anything that isn’t a clear yes, where the girl is there with you spending time with you and doing nice things for you is a “no.”

        I don’t think I generalized a single behavior that turns a “no” into a “yes.” To even suggest that “no” ever means “yes” is thoroughly irresponsible, and you’ll never hear it from me.

        So, I’m still not sure where the unrealistic advice is that you’re referring to.

        Correct me if I’m wrong, but if the men who harassed you took the main advice in this article to heart (no means no), are you saying that they would have still harassed you, or that the harassment would have been worse?

  4. Zalo says:

    JA JA JA!! Love it!

  5. Jana says:

    I know I might regret this later, but I completely agree with Vichet here. Women do communicate differently then men and it’s not an intrinsic feminine characteristic. Communication is a learned trait and both sexes are instructed differently by their society. As it stands, women are raised to care about feelings and men are raised to be direct. There are numerous studies showing how reinforced these gender stereotypes are in families (ie Parental Influence on Children’s Socialization to Gender Roles Journal article by Susan D. Witt; Adolescence, Vol. 32, 1997.)

    Vichet isn’t generalizing a behavior. Instead he is offering advice based on his experiences and based on specific behaviors by women (in this case, what women say) which may be deemed as ambiguous.

    There are numerous studies detailing why women act the way they do and why men act the way they do. This article’s sole purpose is to take that action and define it to a love-struck youngen who is oblivious to the subtle (err…. in reality, not so suble) ways that women give rejections.

  6. Good response in return of this issue with solid
    arguments and describing all concerning that.

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