Quick Dating Tips – How to not be creepy, featuring Dolph Lundgren

I’ve done this to death in real life, but I decided to break it out in article form. Apparently, some guys have a really difficult time not being creepy. This, I can understand. But, the average guy doesn’t, and often takes it personally.

Example: a lot of times, you’ll walk up to a girl in a club/bar/unisex bathroom (wtf?) and be like “hey girl, what up wit’ it?” And she’ll probably be creeped out, because you’re not me, like she wished for on her last 10 birthdays. She saw you from across the room, dialed “9-1”, and was just waiting for your triflin’ ass to try something. Now you have to explain to the cops why you were hollerin’ at this girl with your pants down in the frozen foods section of the Shoprite.

I mean, what’s up with that? You just wanted to talk to her. More likely, you said something more tame, like “hi, what’s your name?”

She gave you a look that just screams “I have mace in my bag,” and you backed off, which was a good idea. I’m totally not being sarcastic, because mace is no motherf*ckin’ joke. Then she goes back to talking with her girlfriends and you overhear how “creepy” you were being because, like a creeper, you just NEED to know what she thinks of you.

Let me break out the New American Womanese Dictionary…

“That guy was creepy” is really womanese for “that guy’s shit was weak.”

In short, it means that she got one look at you, and decided she wasn’t attracted – she might have even been repulsed. Most women know what they want, and are never confused**. It’s nothing personal.

**If she IS confused, trust me, that’s the kind of woman you DON’T want.

So how did that happen? Well, quite simply, really. Here’s a Venn diagram for you if you need it:

Reality check: Human beings, both men and women, are irreparably shallow creatures. There are those who are a little more or a little less, but we instinctively consider looks in our subconscious judgment of others. Learn from it, and deal with it.

What you should know is that you weren’t impressive to her. Sorry bud, it’s not a judgment on you – at least, not by me. She definitely judged. Maybe she’s got a short fuse, maybe she’s writing you off for the wrong reasons, whatever. Bottom line is that if she were intrigued, a conversation would have started – no need to analyze or rationalize why she’s not interested.

“But Vichet, that’s not helpful at all! How do I become intriguing?”

I’m getting there, jackass. There’s three sides to it:

1. Actually being intriguing (the most important part in my book)
2. Sounding and looking intriguing (still very important, also easy if you’re actually intriguing)
3. Not being needy for sex

Think about it. If you were, say, Dolph Lundgren (action movie star, Fullbright Scholar, trilingual, ex Karate champion from Europe), the intrigue would just come out.

“I must break you…
… away from your vicious cycle of loneliness.”

That’s because Dolph Lundgren is actually intriguing. I would have never said that before if I hadn’t read about him on a lark. He’s also really goddamn fit (if you aren’t fit, get there, and then see how much easier it is to approach women), so he looks good, too. Let’s also assume he dresses well enough, and doesn’t use the word “like,” or “uh” unless he motherf*ckin’ meant it.

Add all those things together, and magic happens (much more frequently).

Anyway, if you were growing up in the 80s, you maybe kind of knew who this was. Not so much now, even though he’s still relatively active. This is important because for my example, I’m banking on most women nowadays not knowing exactly what he looks like.

This is Dolph Lundgren at a party, doing what you just did up there in the Shoprite unisex bathroom (wtf?):

“Hi, I’m Dolph.”

“Hi Dolph. I’m Jane.”

They shake hands, or fist bump or whatever.

“So what do you do, Jane?”

“I’m a bartender.”

“That sounds fun,” says Dolph.

“So what do you do?” Jane asks, half out of boredom (Note that it’s important that she asks before he tries to tell her anything about himself).

“I’m an actor.” (Notice he doesn’t say movie star.)

“Really?” she asks, intrigued. “Have you been in anything I’ve heard of?”

“Have you heard of the ‘Expendables?’ Or ‘Rocky IV?'”

She’s just starting to get that he’s kind of accomplished in a way she didn’t expect. Women love finding out cool things about people, especially when they’re the ones asking the questions. Don’t ask me why this is. I have no idea. I have baseless theories, though. “Wow! I didn’t realize it was you!”

“Yeah, real life,” Dolph says. None of what he does is surprising to him, because he’s a badass. “Anyway, nice meeting you, Jane.” Dolph Lundgren goes to talk to someone else.

See that? That was motherf*ckin’ b-b-b-b-bad! See how easy it is when you have interesting shit going for you?

Okay, okay, I realize that was a theoretical conversation. But theoretically, if you were to have the same conversation, what’s the most you could say?

“I work 9-5 and play XBox and eat takeout when I get home. My favorite is Jimmy Chang’s Wok of Fury.”

Weak.

It doesn’t even have to be stuff that makes you famous. None of the things that Dolph did made him famous until movies. Take away that and he’s still a Fullbright Scholar who knows three languages and was a karate champ. Among other things.

Here’s a list of interesting things you can do that women will probably find interesting because no other guy does it:

1. Be a dancer (though they might expect you to be gay at first… but having women curious about you is a good foot in the door. TRUST me.)
2. Some sort of instructor or coach (languages, counseling, sports trainer)
3. Craftperson (furniture maker, sculptor, artist, etc)
4. Fighter (this was a lot more intriguing before UFC got really big. Still, if you love it, do it)
5. Anything PRODUCTIVE that makes you different from average Joe and requires some hidden level of talent. Specifically, video games as a hobby, by itself, does not work to make you interesting to a general population. Being a professional video gamer that makes money, trains, and develops video game playing theory DOES make you more interesting to a general population. Although I still can’t fully back that because of my own prejudices.
   

Also, none of these things have to be your full-time job either – but, to be honest, if you’re not doing these things at least 10 hours a week, I wouldn’t say you were actually “being” any of them either. I, for example, spend less than 10 hours a week writing advice for men. I wouldn’t say to someone that I’m a “male advice writer” unless they mentioned it first. And even then, it’s a stretch. I’d just tell them to check it out and tell me what they think.

Anyway, back to the point: how do we sound and look intriguing?

– Step ZERO –

She MUST start out with some level of physical interest or at least neutrality in you, because at first, all she has to go on is how you look. When a woman sees you for the first time, even before you open your mouth, she does this on a subconscious level:

She splits everyone into two camps: the absolute nos, and the maybes. You want to be a maybe. It’s not hard to be a maybe, because male looks honestly don’t matter as much to women. I’m not telling you to stop showering and wear sweats every day, but shoot – if women judged looks the way we do? None of us would get laid.

The point is, maybes can eventually turn into yeses, as long as they’re consistently fun. If you’re REALLY slick, you can turn a “maybe” into a “yes” in around 4 hours. I’ve seen less.

Conversely, there are LOTS of ways to be consistently boring.

All you have to do is be a fun maybe, and then find yourself alone with the girl. Sexy time!

Back to the matter at hand: how do you look intriguing so that you can mitigate the staggering number of initial “nos”?

– Step ONE –

Eat right. Exercise. Dress well. Have a few of your attractive female friends around you when you go out. All of these things get your feet in at least twice as many doors, and they are easy enough to do if you stop making excuses for yourself. The reality is that this doesn’t work for every woman who exists. Some of them have different taste, some of them aren’t open to anything, some of them are straight up bitchy.

However, if you do those simple things, you will get the best overall results. That ONE set of characteristics has been proven time and time again in the field to work more than anything I know, and it’s as simple as having a healthy, fun attitude, and looking the part.

Healthy fun attitude – got it. A lot of you might already have that. If not, you’re on your way.

But looking the part?

Say you have acne? Medication.

Bad skin? Lotion.

Crazy hair? Haircut.

There’s a whole industry built on fixing little things that can’t necessarily be helped by healthy eating, exercise, and clothes alone – some of the products are bullshit, some are legit. It’s your responsibility to vet them and fix what you need to fix.

But what about friends?

Haven’t you ever been to grade school? Just get some – you have hobbies and shit, right? Talk to some of those people. Get them out with you.

Taking care of your looks will get a lot of the women who are on the fence about you to place you into the maybe pile.

Now, assuming you look as good as you can, how about sounding intriguing?

– Step TWO –

Do not bore her to tears. This one is easiest explained step by step, with little pointers thrown in:

1. In 99 percent of cases, YOU should approach and YOU should start the conversation. That’s just the way western culture works. Sorry, I didn’t invent human interaction. But, just because you start the conversation doesn’t mean you lay out your life story like you’re assuming she wants to know ever little detail. Even if she eventually does want to know, I guarantee you she doesn’t want to in the first ten minutes, or even ten days.
2. Answer simply and directly, with very few details, almost as if you’re pretending the other person already knows everything about you, and you’re just reminding them. The reason you do this is because she doesn’t actually know anything about you, and the effort she spends finding out will inform you as to how interested she is in getting to know you.
   
   Example: “I’m a dancer,” versus “I’m a ballet dancer with _____ who has been dancing for ____ years” or “I’m a hip hop instructor at _____ and I teach all over the city, etc etc etc.”If she doesn’t ask followup questions, ding ding ding, she’s not buying, and isn’t worth your effort to convince otherwise. Also, you don’t waste your breath on someone who doesn’t want to talk.
3. Be casual. Be light. No dark or serious subjects. If you’re a joker, make a few jokes. If not, do whatever it is you do. Pretend you’re old pals and you only remember the good times. This keeps it FUN – strangers aren’t interested in your angst.
4. If the conversation seems like it’s going well – she’s laughing, hitting your arm, standing close, or dancing with you, or whatever – ask for her number so you can continue it another time. And by continue it another time, I mean in person. NOT over the phone. There’s no trick to asking for her number, and even if there were, it’s a waste of time to learn. It’s not like you’re asking her to marry you – it’s just a f*ckin’ number, so don’t be all weird about it. Just ask. She’ll say yes (give it to you) or no (not give it to you). Just be cool about it either way.
5. Rinse and repeat with a different girl. The ladies are thinking “Vichet, you son of a bitch” right now just because I said that. Hear me out. All you did was have a conversation and get a number. You expanded your social circle. That’s it. It’s not like this new person is your girlfriend/fiancee/wife, so there’s nothing wrong with expanding your social circle a little more, especially when you’re single. Not only that, most women who give you their number are not really all that interested. I could give you tons of theories on why, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that if you’re a cool human being who is capable of handling himself, you should get lots of numbers. Nothin’ wrong with options, especially when a lot of them might not be interested. If a woman’s not mature enough to handle this reality of dating life, then she shouldn’t be going on dates. You and I have already had that conversation about you.

Pro-tip: Just because people tend to get jealous (men, too), right when you get a number, try not to start getting another number right in front of the first girl, right after you’re done talking to her. This is called being polite (or as Vichet says, being f*ckin’ normal about it). If you’re smart, you’ll generally be polite – that is, unless your balls are the size of Jupiter and you can get away with it. Statistically, you can’t, but if you can do all that and aren’t getting stabbed by crazed exes, you sure as hell don’t need my advice, so get off the internet and go be somebody!

– Step THREE –

How do we make it not appear as if we’re needy for sex?

Are you simply asking for sex? I mean, nothing wrong with that. But, if you have that air (desperate man-whore musk) about you, prepare for much stronger reactions. The ladies who reject you will do so much more swiftly, and the ladies who bang you will make an awesome Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday night.

If you make it really obvious you’re looking for sex (“I wanna be on you”), your wins will be hilarious, and I will hang out with you and your big balls, sir.

If you aren’t simply asking for sex, but are very hopeful and anxious about it, get up off of that horny/desperate/sense of entitlement chair and be a normal f*ckin’ human being.

I mean, really. Sex is only really that important when you’re not having enough of it. You need to be like the guy who has sex all the time – open to it, but not coming off like a beggar asking for poon.

A lot of people will say men and women can never be friends because of the horniness thing.

I call bullshit. If we’re never gonna be friends, it’ll be because we don’t understand each other. The “sexual tension between friends” thing isn’t as big a deal as people make it out to be.

Also, some women just aren’t good (for you specifically) for banging.

Hell, my female friends – can’t do it. However, they help me get numbers all the time, and in exchange I tell them when a guy’s shit is weeaaaaaak.

I don’t use friendship (anymore… those were dark days) as a means to have sex with someone I’m attracted to, because I grew a pair of balls and now I just ask girls out when I’m attracted to them.

I used to want sex from EVERY girl back when my shit was weak and I wasn’t getting enough of it. Sex is not the solution to your dissatisfaction with yourself. Fix the man, and the women will come (double entendre, ha!).

So yeah. Women aren’t turned off by you wanting sex. They’re turned off when they start wondering why you’re so anxious about it, because that means you’re likely not getting enough, which means you likely fall into that boring/unattractive intersection known as creepy.

Conclusions…

That’s basically it. This all sounds really simple, because it is.

Remember – at the heart of it, being creepy is something that will happen automatically when you have little to offer. Shoot, even if you have something to offer, and you ARE interesting, AND you play all the “right cards,” sometimes you will still be called creepy by a random girl just because she’s not buying what you’re selling.

All I can tell you is that if you have something to be proud of, something that makes you different and more interesting than the average Joe, and makes you HAPPY, you will automatically just BE more attractive, and thus less creepy to the general population of women.

Go out and get it.