Quick Dating Tips – Red flags, and being observant

Alright, so we’ve got things going on in our lives, now. We have goals, and every day we’re taking steps to reach them, right? That laser death ray will be finished in 2 years, and then the world is yours. That kind of thing.

This means we’re on our way to becoming interesting men. Maybe even Ultimate Men.

It also means that right now, we’re probably interesting enough to date interesting women, who will actually find us attractive for once. Oh, boy!

Flip-side: it also means you will be attractive to lots of crazy** women.

**I don’t mean to use this term to disparage anyone with a mental illness. However, if you are of sound judgment, and still decide to be a douchemaster about it, then f*ck you.

Sad truth: if he’s not careful (though in general, he is), even the Ultimate Man can end up with a crazy woman riding shotgun. That, or just pointing a shotgun at him, or something he loves (No! Not my collectible Kurt Russell dish set!).

But how can we tell if a woman is crazy or otherwise worth hiding from? Especially when she says “super nice” things?

Well, see, smart men have these things called Red Flagsthings that a woman might do that are very strong indicators that you should not spend any more time with her. The average (or desperate) guy might not care about some of the things on this list, but the wise man knows that they are definitely NOT to be ignored.

There exist dozens of ten commandment-style lists of universal red flags like this, this and this.

I’ve compiled a small list of my own red flags that I feel are the most important. This list is NOT comprehensive, and may not even apply to you, because things I don’t accept may not be things you don’t accept. Just note that not all of these indicate that I think a woman might be crazy – some of them only indicate that I think she might be shitty or uninterested:

  1. She flakes on a first date with no warning. (uninterested)
  2. She is combative and rude, and everything is a fight. (crazy)
  3. She is mean-spirited. (crazy)
  4. She is demanding. (crazy)
  5. She is unforgiving. (crazy)
  6. She is involved in an excessive amount of drama. (crazy)
  7. She has no means to support herself, or is barely getting by. (not crazy, but needs to focus on other things)
  8. She is irresponsible. (crazy)
  9. She complains about her own friends all the time. (crazy)
  10. She complains about YOUR friends all the time. (crazy)
  11. She is vindictive and holds grudges. (crazy)

You might be expecting me to say something now, like, “well, if she has more than 3 of those qualities up there, then she’s a no-no and you should not date her.”

What I’m ACTUALLY going to say is that if a woman has any ONE of those qualities up there, you shouldn’t touch her with a 10 foot pole (dick joke intended).

Disclaimer – I’m not telling you to jump the gun and run away at first suspicion of any of these qualities. However, if she does something suspicious (yells at her mom over the phone?), pay attention, because she might be crazy!

“But Vichet, that’s most women I know. I mean, everyone has some of these flaws, right?”

Yeah, you’re right. Some women (and men) have some of these flaws. But you know, three months ago you were spending 6 hours a day on your couch eating Cheetos and watching TV (really porn). That’s technically a “quality,” insofar as it described a habit you had at some point in time (the quality of “not having anything going on in your life”). Thing is, you recognized it as a problem, realized you could change it, and you did.

Some problems go deeper. Freud would have a lot to say about trauma, and also about how everything is really a penis or a lack of penis (vagina). That’s not what I’m here to talk about, but there are therapists for any problem that you have that you feel creates a negative, tangible impact on your life. There’s nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, and they’ve heard and seen lots of things, and are in a very good position to help you.

I will say that there’s something wrong with recognizing you have a problem and doing nothing to rectify it. Using the excuse “well it’s just who I am” for bad behavior is a total cop-out, because without some self-constraint and self-expectation, we’d be pretty shitty human beings.

I mean, some days I feel like laying in bed all day and skipping work. If I ever actually do it for a reason other than being too sick, you should smack me in the mouth and tell me to grow the f*ck up, because that shit is unacceptable. It’s not “just the way I am.”

So I challenge you – why should you expect less of someone you date? Have you ever considered knowing cooler women? Because cool women don’t do that bullshit up there.

“Okay, Vichet, I get it. But how can I tell early on if a woman has these issues?

Simple. Watch what she does. Pretend your dates are like silent movies, and try to figure out the plot.

It’s really pretty simple:

  1. She flakes on a first date without warning
    Is it not obvious how you would be able to notice this? Only uninterested women flake on a first date without warning (barring health emergencies, etc – but this is the vast minority of cases).
  2. She is combative and rude, and everything is a fight
    Does she dog on people who don’t do things EXACTLY as she asked? “I wanted NON-DAIRY CREAMER!” The creamer isn’t that important, honey – being a civilized human being is.
  3. She is mean-spirited
    Her “funny stories” all involve someone getting hurt or other grave misfortunes.
  4. She is demanding
    She is always asking for more and more. If you try to stand your ground on something, usually the #2 item on this list comes out. “I said NON-DAIRY. I’LL KILL YOU!”
  5. She is unforgiving
    Remember that little thing you did where she got mad? And how she did the same exact thing, but for her it was extraordinary circumstances? More likely, in the early phases, you will notice her being unforgiving to other people. Drop her like a sack of bitch-flavored rocks.
  6. She is involved in an excessive amount of drama
    This bullshit wasn’t fun in high school, but at least you were an idiot back then. If you put up with it now, you’ve got no hope. Drama is a sign of having nothing important going on in your life (nothing but drama , anyway – which by definition is unimportant).
  7. She has no means to support herself, or is barely getting by
    Now, see, this is a more forgivable trait than any other on this list, but the bottom line is that if a woman can’t support herself, she’s not ready to date. Shoot, I tell you that as a man all the time – be independent. If you’re not, you have bigger problems than finding someone to spend time with. Don’t mess around with women who can’t support themselves, because that will ALWAYS be the issue on the table, and if you’re a good guy you will likely end up spending a LOT of money fixing it.
  8. She is irresponsible
    Does she forget things? Is her house a mess? Are people tired of her being completely undependable? Take note, because you will be one of those people someday, if you stick around.
  9. She complains about her own friends all the time
    I didn’t want to lump this with #6 because it’s a unique enough thing. It takes a special kind of neurosis to be “friends” with people while also feeling the urge to talk shit on them whenever possible. “Frienemies” is a cute word, but in practice is unacceptable, unvarnished bullshit. Don’t tolerate this in anyone, or you will BECOME one of these people.
  10. She complains about YOUR friends all the time
    Now this is just ridiculous. She’s complaining about YOUR friends. They’re not even HER friends. Aside from the obvious boundaries issue, if you are a stand-up guy, who expects great things of himself and follows through, you’re likely the type who got there with some good help. That help – the people who have had your back since before this woman knew you existed – should stay right by your side. Granted, there are such a thing as bad friends – if you have them, get rid of them. More likely, this woman doesn’t know anything about you or your friends, and you don’t need to put up with her.
  11. She is vindictive and holds grudges
    If any of her stories start with “this bitch I knew in 8th grade,” and it isn’t a joke (you’re laughing at the thought now, but wait until a woman tells this story SERIOUSLY), then you need to peace. Once again, women with important things going on in their lives don’t have time for petty grudges about petty issues.

I have some other red flags that are my personal taste only – for example, any woman who finds it is her primary goal in life to have kids (I’m not saying a goal. I’m saying THE goal) is off my list of women to have a long term relationship with. Also, women who are openly disrespectful to their (non-deadbeat) parents.

The basic wisdom here, though, is that a Red Flag is something that you cannot, as an ethical, strong human being, compromise on. If you notice that the woman you’re dating puts up any of those flags more than once, you need to VERY quickly determine whether it’s a fluke, or she’s a real-deal crazy.

“But Vichet, you said that almost all of those red flag qualities could be fixed with a combination of self-improvement and therapy? Just like my porn and Cheetos thing.”

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking you met this girl with a mean streak and a particularly tight ‘gina, and now you’re thinking “I can CHANGE her.”

Well, guess what – you can’t. We can argue night and day about this, but only SHE can change those qualities about her. You might be able to help, but it has to come from her. And while you’re trying to do that, you’d be putting the equivalent of a 500 pound package on top of your relationship table.

Instead, you could quit being an idiot and just realize that for everyone woman who has one of those major problems I listed, there is another woman who doesn’t, and is just as good looking.

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