Quick Dating Tips: Cut the Whining

I realize that this post is essentially me whining about whiners (metabitching), but it needs to be said.

Because, at some point, it became popular to complain about everything.

For example: Your server forgot to put a parasol in your pina colada. It’s not a pina colada without a parasol, so you’re all like:


“Funny,” right? I mean, it genuinely was funny when the trend began. But now everyone’s doing it, and about increasingly insipid things. Whereas at first, you raged at something stupid while still realizing that your whole shtick is manufactured and on some level self-parodic, now, I feel like everyone thinks they have a right to make people listen to their non-problems.

I mean, FMyLife is dedicated to people complaining about things.

But that’s not all. Go onto Twitter, Yelp, or Facebook. Look at the waterfall of “problems.” You can make a drinking game out of it. Anytime you see someone complaining about something, take a drink. Let me know how long you lasted after you get discharged from the hospital.

It’s a problem, folks. So, for the good of mankind, I submit a humble idea: Stop bitching about everything.


There’s a reason we call it “bitching.” That reason isn’t good. It’s actually kind of misogynistic, too. And, bottom line, it’s definitely not attractive.

Ask yourself this: Would anyone in REAL life want to listen to you about whatever problem you’re talking about on Facebook/Twitter/In your secret ventilation shaft lonely place?

Also, this: Would YOU want to listen to someone else complain about the same problem?

Yes to both? Then tell someone who cares about you in real life, or at least on the phone. Not that hard, really. That, and they will probably actually help you out of whatever spot you’re in.

So don’t get me wrong – sometimes you gotta vent. But like I said, you got friends for that. Friends who, by virtue of being cool and caring about you, fill a very important role in helping you to maintain perspective. They cut you off before you get too dug in:

You: “Man, the other day some asshole cut me off while I was driving! I hate driving in the city! Everyone is stupid!”

Your useful friend: “Yo dawg, you got some sand comin’ out your pussy. Start crying and we can go to the beach.”

See that up there? That’s what happens when you have good friends. They enforce good, non-bitchy habits.

But when you get on Facebook, you just shout this stuff into the void before anyone can stop you.

Oh, but there IS someone who can stop you from doing these awful, useless things: you.

This isn’t climbing out of poverty. This isn’t something that is dictated by genetics (unless you have Tourette’s, which if you do, I concede that you have a legit reason to whine).

Just. Stop.

Because, honestly, no one with real, urgent, in-your-face problems is talking about them to everyone they can at every chance they get. They’re theoretically dealing with the urgent problem and don’t have time to whine. And, if they MAKE time to whine while they have an urgent problem, then I say they deserve it.

Whiners: “Look at me! I have this big legitimate problem I’m not taking care of because I chose to take time out to bitch about it on the internet!”

Me: “Eat a bag of dicks.”

Here’s a list of things that no one on the internet wants to hear you complain about:

  • Women
    • Get help… get Table Theory!
  • Your job
  • Other whiners (Guilty!)
  • Your “frienemy”
    • If you have one or more of these, I will punch you in your neck.
  • Pretty much anything (that wasn’t your fault) that happened to you that didn’t result in a tangible, lasting negative consequence

Simple? Good. Now… go!


“But wait… this is a relationship advice blog. How does this apply to Table Theory?

Well, basically, it helps you to not be an unattractive, whiny douche. I submit the following multifaceted answer for your consideration:

  • Mutual Independence and chemistry are both ruined by your need to complain about shit that doesn’t matter.
  • Furthermore, if you’re of the bitchy type, you probably see it as an acceptable behavior in others, including women.
    • It’s not an acceptable behavior in women. Or anyone. Ever. Stop it.
  • I really can’t emphasize how unattractive it is. Unless you’re George Carlin or someone else who can be genuinely funny and thoughtful in your bitching.
    • Statistical fact: 99.999…% of the population who’ve ever lived were, are, and will not be George Carlin.
      • Those are some slim odds. Are you sure you don’t want to just be funny and attractive in a different way?

“But Vichet! I just can’t help myself! I need to bitch about EVERYTHING all the time!”

We already covered this, but it sounds like you genuinely want help.

It helps me to ask myself these questions when I’m about to rant about something:

  • Is my rant constructive? What concrete problem am I solving for myself or others?
  • When was the last time I bitched? If I haven’t bitched in a month, good to go for one short session.
  • Would a little boy in Somalia who hasn’t eaten for 5 days understand what I’m bitching about?
    • Corollary: Considering the Somali boy, is this really the worst thing that has happened to me today?

Unless I can justify my bitching, I don’t do it.

Remember – a big part of being attractive is not sabotaging yourself publicly by complaining about EVERYTHING.

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