Dating Tropes Explained – Part VII – Shit Tests and Crazy Women

So, a lot of guys who come to me for advice are actually part of what you’d call the pick-up community.

“Gasp,” you think. “Is Vichet a PICK UP ARTIST?”

His popularity! His suave presence! I knew it!


And I’ll say this in critique/defense of the pick-up community: like any self-help oriented community out there, it has its share of snake oil salesmen. But, there are also lots of genuinely good guys looking out for genuinely good guys, too. So you take the good and ignore the bad.

Anyway, the story is always the same, when a guy comes to me for advice. It’s because something didn’t work out the way he wanted.

And, usually, he’ll start like this:

Hey Vichet, I went on a date with this girl and it seemed to be going pretty well, cause she went dancing with me after, but then when I dropped her off at home she didn’t invite me upstairs. A couple of times during the date she mentioned that she never sleeps with a guy on the first date. I mean, why would she mention that? Was she shit testing me to see if I would try to make a move anyway? Did I fail?

Well, yeah, bro. You did fail. If you define success as getting laid, anyway.

Furthermore, if we wanna take this girl at her word (why not?), you’ve got a TON of leeway between doing nothing, which is what you did up there, and having sex on the first date. I mean, I assume that most girls don’t bang on the first date until they prove otherwise (I make it a point to present the opportunity). But there’s nothin’ wrong with asking if she’d like to have another drink upstairs, and seeing where the boundaries are (remember that “no means no,” and “no that means yes” really just means “crazy”).

But that’s neither here nor there. The main star of this article is the ever-crazy shit test.

For my uninitiated readers, a shit test is defined as the following:

shit test (n) – any situation manufactured and manipulated by a woman to judge the inner character of a man


shit test (v) – to administer said shit test (n)

Above: A classic example of a woman shit testing a man to see if he has an Oedipus complex, and is thus attracted to her because she resembles his mother.

That sounds f*ckin’ crazy, don’t it? That’s because it is exactly that: crazy.

And, since most women aren’t crazy, you really don’t need to worry about this 95 percent of the time. Especially because most of the time, when a guy thinks a woman is crazy, it’s really just because she’s not that into him but is trying her hardest not to be a dick about it.

A shit test is essentially the verbal version of smacking someone in the face just to see what they’ll do. Most women don’t actually do that. Some do.

In almost every case of you getting rejected, shit test or no, you’re still standing there, with this hopeful, boyish, stupid look on your face.

And then you ask…

“But Vichet! How can I PASS the shit test to gain access to her sweet sweet underparts?”

God, damnit! She wasn’t shit testing you! She probably was just not into you!

But fine. I’ll bite. I’ve known, taken out, and even banged some women who have that kind of shit-testy way about them, where they’re thinking “I’m going to put this person in this situation and see what he does.” It happens. When it does, it’s like you’ve won the lottery of having to deal with shitty people.

And there are ways to pass the tests. It involves you lying, not being yourself (because that’s what she’s shit testing), and playing a Cold War game of sexual chicken to see who gives in first. If you’re capable of being more manipulative than a shit-testing woman (good luck), then congrats, you get to spend even more time with this harpy – in BED!

Although I will say all that tension and anger might make the carnal gymnastics a little more interesting, if you’re into that.

Still, back to my point – giving any advice about how to pass a bona-fide shit test is tantamount to putting out fires on a sinking ship – it’s a bad situation you cannot fix by staying on the damned boat!

Let me repeat: women that actively employ shit tests are CRAZY.

Unrepentant, bat-shit crazy with a side of f*ck-up-your-life-and-eat-your-dog insane.

And you want to sleep with this theoretical woman? Or see them more than once?

I mean, have you IMAGINED what being in a relationship with this kind of woman would be like? It’d be torture!

Her – “Hey baby, can you pass the black pepper?”

You – “Sure, babe. Here.”

Her – “You son of a bitch! You KNOW I’m allergic to black pepper! I’m gonna put a baseball in a sock and beat the shit out of you when you fall asleep!”

You – “Aw, man…”

Back in high school, we used to say “bitch be triflin’.”  For all of my non inner-city readers, that can be translated into technical English thusly: “That woman regularly manufactures conflict from non-issues.”

Or maybe you prefer Shakespeare: “Her affectations are the fury of a raging fire! No man or boy hath water ’nuff to quench! That and she a straight up bitch.”

So, advice of the century: if your woman legitimately engineers situations where you will be made a fool if you don’t act in exactly the way she wants, then dump her manipulative, triflin’ ass.

No exceptions. No excuses. For every physically attractive shit testing woman, I can find you an equally physically attractive woman who doesn’t have the narcissistic personality disorder.

I mean, really, come on! Do you need to get laid that badly? Well, here’s a tip:

Now, as a caveat, I will say this. Every woman I have ever met is indeed MUCH more observant than the average guy. But not because she shit tests. She just pays attention. A skill EVERY man needs to have.

My theory is that women are much more observant because they are, in our society, generally put under much more social pressure to look, act, and speak certain ways. This means they have to pay attention to themselves, their own actions and attitudes (and any ties between the traits) much more than the average guy who can get away with farting in front of his friends. The average woman is thus much more able to pick out traits implied by others’ behaviors.

So, if you’re being an dickhead, and you get rejected by twenty woman for being a dickhead, don’t immediately think that they were shit testing you, because you might actually be a dickhead. Ask yourself “are there legitimately things I can improve about myself?”

But, if you’re not a dickhead, you can learn from this. A good woman observes things like whether you’re rude to waitresses, whether you have a bad relationship with your parents, whether you hang out with worthless people, and so on and so forth. She doesn’t shove you into a room with these situations and observe you through a one way mirror – she just lets it happen naturally and chills the f*ck out about it.

You should do the same. Observe women, and be chill. You will see what she’s about. The information will reveal itself without you spending all your effort looking under stones and in dark corners, so you’ll be much less neurotic in action and mind.

This will help you filter out the crazies and the not-crazy-but-incompatible people in your life. You will also filter in the people you can generally get along well with and who understand you.

So there you have it. When it comes to shit tests the only way to pass is to dump her triflin’ ass!

The more you know!

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