Quick Dating Tips – Morning Delight… or Sex… or Whatever (Hide and Seek: Penis Edition?)

Hey there, fellas.

So, today, I’m going to talk about morning sex, which is awesome, but has to be done right.

You, this morning, after having sex.

“Mothaf*ckin’ sweet with a side of titties,” you exclaim. “What awesome bedroom tips are you going to give me that will put me in the hospital?”

Hold on there, guy. I’m not giving you tips for the actual sex part. There’s this thing called the internet for that, and I’m pretty sure some of my relatives read my blog.

See? I DO have shame. A lifetime of growing up Asian will do that to you.

Instead, I’m going to talk about morning sex etiquette. Mostly because I’m tired of hearing this gross stuff that goes on in the morning between people who are not me. Some of the things in this article are so obvious (yet not getting done) that I was almost shocked to hear them. A lot of these complaints come from my lady friends about their boyfriends/f*ck buddies/hired escorts, but these tips are equally crucial for the ladies. I mean, what the f*ck ladies? Sometimes you do this ridiculous shit, too!

Without further introduction, I bring to you the Dos and Don’ts of Morning Sex. It’s a short list.

Do have mints and drinking water (you need both) near the bed, or brush yo teef.

This goes for both ladies and men. Do I really need to explain this? I mean, you wake up, and I don’t care how bad your sense of smell is, if it feels like your mouth is full of tar, trust me – that shit stank.

Or how about this? ASSUME it stinks!

I mean, really. Do you wake up every morning and actually ask yourself if your breath smells bad enough to warrant brushing your teeth? As if you wouldn’t otherwise? Are you f*cking kidding me?  Don’t get all ashamed of it. Just fix it. Have one of those mints and drinking water on your nightstand, or brush your teeth. Simple. Takes 2 minutes, and your screwing will go smoothly.

Oral? Quickly wash your junk.

For me this is easy, because first thing I do in the morning is go to the bathroom. And if you, the male reader, want her to put her mouth on it (who knows, you might not) then have the courtesy of giving it a quick soap and water treatment beforehand. If you have a bidet, awesome. If not, just squat in the tub for 15 seconds. Make sure you wash from the top of your butt crack to the bottom of the belly button. I would still recommend this even if you don’t really care about blowjobs in the morning. But hey, if there is no oral in the morning, this is probably skippable.

Man, I wish I had a bidet.

You gotta wake up on time.

Don’t get me wrong – morning sex is awesome. But it shouldn’t be interfering (regularly) with the rest of your life, or it will quickly become argument fodder.

If you have to show up to work on time every day, and you know you don’t have enough time for quickie anal between taking a shower and commuting to work, then you might want to waylay the morning sex until the weekend, or maybe wake up 30 minutes earlier next morning.

I will say that, once in a while, it’s nice to be late to work because of sex . Just don’t get fired.

Have snacks available for after.

Know how you’re hungry in the morning?

You will be at least 3 times hungrier after morning sex (the zero calorie snack). It’s nice to have cereal bars or something small to munch on so that the morning romp doesn’t make you go out and buy food you’ll regret later that day.

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See? I told you it was a short list. With these simple considerations, reader, you can keep your woman/man from complaining to me about the grossness of touching you in your private parts in the morning.

Now go out there and bang someone in the morning while smelling nice and having snacks.