Off the Cuff #4 – “She’s ‘not looking to date anyone.’ What do I do?”

Hey Vichet,

I’m 20, male, my relationship started off as the “I’m not looking to date anyone right now” uphill battle, but now we’re basically having fun with each other and making out at least once a week.

We’re still not officially together, but should I continue this?

I want a relationship with her so do I just let her know and if she’s still “eh I don’t wanna date anyone,” just end it or keep having fun with her?

Thanks!

– “Mikey,” 20, Male

This will sound a lot more cut and dry than it feels for you, Mikey. That’s because it’s exactly that – cut and dry.

Try to remove your feelings about the situation from the reality of it. That’s what makes things confusing.

Now, I get that you have fun with this girl, and that she’s giving you her time and such. But, it’s kind of a big thing when a girl says she “doesn’t want to date anyone right now.”

“But Vichet, you always tell me to ignore what a girl says and just watch what she does – she’s still making out with me all the time, so what’s the deal?”

I know, I know, I said that many times in my two posts on womanese, here and here.

Here’s this kicker, which I mentioned in the second of those two articles – a girl has to like a guy a lot more to commit to being in a relationship with him than she does to fool around with him.

Here’s a chart that will visually explain it:

It’s all so clear now, isn’t it?

All that would be irrelevant if you were cool with just being friends with benefits.

However – you’re not cool with being friends with benefits. You started off saying you wanted a relationship with this girl. She doesn’t want that.

That’s where we have problems.

If she wanted a relationship with you, too, then you’d already be in one.

In order for her to want that, you’d have to be doing something different than you are now. Whatever you’re doing, it’s good enough to bang, but not good enough to commit to.

Solution: work on yourself. And don’t make it about this girl.

What things do you have going on outside of dating? Focus on those. You’re young – probably still in college, or just starting to work. Find your passions in life – find out what you want to be able to say about yourself.

A funny thing will happen when you start pursuing those passions – you will become more attractive. You will be the guy other women hope to catch. You’ll stop looking for validation from this girl.

If you want to have fun, fine – but make sure you’re not using this girl as a band-aid for other things in your life that you need to be doing better.

Hope it all works out for you.

-V

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