Off the Cuff #5 – “She wants some time to think about it.”

Dear Vichet,

I asked a girl out yesterday, after a pseudo-date, and she said she wanted some time “to think about it.” What does that mean?

To set up the situation, I’m 26, male, and this was a girl I met a year ago in grad school (we’re both still in school). We talked, exchanged contact info, fb – I think there was some chemistry there, but that could just be me being clueless – but lost track for a year.

I called her up a couple weeks ago, to catch up over a coffee or something since we hadn’t seen each other in a year. She agreed, and we met up, grabbed a beer and talked for a couple hours, and by this time I was really interested.

I told her I go out salsa dancing, and she wanted to learn. So, I suggested she accompany me to a salsa party a week later. Which she did. We went there, had a good time. At the end of the night, I asked her out, and she says “Can I have some time to think about it?”

Am I reading too much into this, or is that a flat out NO?

I sincerely think we had a great time together.

John from Philly

Hi John (from Philly. Woo!),

First, I’m filing this as a “this one girl” question. Those kinds of questions are unhealthy if she really is the only girl in your dating pool. I hope that you’re outgoing enough that this girl is the one you ask about out of dozens that you’ve been seeing over the last few months. If you’re not, be more outgoing!

Being more outgoing doesn’t have to mean dates. Just hang with friends. Meet women casually. Get to know them. That will teach you more than anything on my site. I’m just a guide – you have to take the steps.

Anyway, there are a couple of things here that are clear signals to me that you’re placing a whole lot of value on whether or not this woman is interested in you.

I understand that. We’ve all been there, standing on nails waiting for a call, a smile, a compliment, a touch of the hand, a kiss – whatever it is we needed at the time to think “YES! She’s really into me!”

I’m gonna tell you right now that that approach and attitude will not help you.

So, let go of all those unnecessary expectations. She’s a girl. You’re attracted to her. That’s it. You’re not invested yet, so don’t act like you are.

That, and if you continue to be your fun, outgoing, cool self, and she’s into that, you’ll know it in time. All you’d have to do is make a move, and that’d be that.

That said, I need to tell you that I think this girl is on the fence about you. You ARE reading too much into it. On the other hand, her actions are not a flat out “no.” But, if she’s not letting you kiss her, or agreeing right away, you might as well treat it as a flat out “no” – for now.

If you’re really stuck on this girl (we’ve been there), I’ll tell you that it’s not BAD when when a girl is on the fence about you. It’s just not particularly good, either. You can make the right choices, and she’ll get more interested, but that requires you to back off for a bit. I’ll outline some of those below.

What you need to do first is realize overall is that you’re much more interested in her than she is in you, and that can cause you to make certain decisions that will turn her off of you.

If your interest level is much higher than a woman’s, you will tend to do lots of (questionable, ineffective) things to get her to pay attention to you. Some prime examples of what many guys (but not you, because I’ll tell you what to do) in your situation would do:

  • Make lots of concessions, trying to force the date by making it as irresistible and easy (and thus easy to refuse or flake on) for the woman as possible
  • Clearing the schedule to make yourself super available
  • Suggesting tons of things she wants to do and trying to squeeze yourself in
  • Basically, conditioning all of your behaviors on the possible reward of going out with said “one girl”

Sheesh. That sounds like a lot of maneuvering, don’t it? That’s because it is. Like Spiderman on Mary-Jane.

Remember: when a woman is interested, it’s easy to get her to go out with you.

I’m not saying she’ll never be interested in you. She spent time with you – that’s a plus. She’s on the fence. You might be able to make this work.

Here’s how:

  1. Continue being interesting – continue to prioritize your life and your passions as if this girl isn’t a factor (she’s not).
  2. Continue meeting new people, and making more friends. This will keep your mind off of her, and keep you from losing the priorities you’ve so carefully made in step 1.
  3. Continue approaching life realizing it’s so much bigger than your Friday night date plans – you’re in grad school, right? Own it!
  4. Use the zeal from step 3 to keep upgrading yourself. Help your true friends along, too. True friendship is an investment that pays back in spades.

Now, notice how none of that advice had anything to do with this “one girl?”

That’s because you never become more attractive to “one girl.” You never build strategy around “one girl.”

You’re either attractive, or not, and that’s to women in general. It’s an overall trend, not a point on a graph.

Thing is, you follow those steps, and you’ll likely run into another girl, who isn’t on the fence, who meshes with you better.

Or, this girl will come around, see you in a different light, and be down like Charlie Brown.

Either way, you have to employ the same strategy of being cool, fun, outgoing, and driven, because that’s a strategy for your life, and everything in it – including women.

Don’t make this girl a priority. She’s not your girlfriend, and she’s on the fence.

Back off a bit to keep working on you, and she might come around – and even if she doesn’t, hey, you’re becoming cooler and more attractive to women in general.

Hope that puts things in perspective.

-V

2 Responses to Off the Cuff #5 – “She wants some time to think about it.”

  1. John says:

    Hi Vichet,
    Thank you for the response. Let me clarify some of your assumptions – which were surprisingly, spot on.
    Yes, this was a “that one girl” scenario” – however, not due to me being less outgoing, but due to my available dating pool being severely limited – I prefer dating women from my own country, and there are not that many single women from my country here.

    As for the rest, very solid advice. Thanks.

    Oh, and she got back to me yesterday. It was the “I think you’re great, but I’d rather we just be friends” line. To her credit, she did also add “I’d understand if you didn’t want to be friends anymore, as it’d be awkward”.

    So, yeah. I guess that’s that.
    Thanks for the time, man.
    John from Philly

    • itsmevichet says:

      No problem, Johnny.

      Just remember, if a girl isn’t quite into you now, that’s fine. Just back off for a while. Let her reach out to you. If you continue being fun and cool around everyone else, she might actually have a change of heart. This happens sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes.

      Her interest in you, however, should NOT be the goal. You should be fun and cool because that’s who you are, and that’s what makes you happy.

      Also, I’m interested in what country you’re from that limits your pool here in Philly. Holla back, I might be able to suggest some hang-outs for you. I’ve got LOTS of international friends.

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