Off the Cuff #8, Hurricane Edition – “Where do my emotions come in?”

Hey Vichet,

A while back I read your blog about oneitis, and it made so much sense to me.It explained to me why I put these girls (whom I had thought at the time to be the “one”) in a certain light.

After that I started reading more about inner game and outer game (not too extensive but enough to get me to put myself out there) and as a result ended up meeting some great women.

However oneitis, among other things, had slowly crept back into my life and it has once again gotten me hurt. It’s difficult not to invest so much into women you put your time into.

I feel that if I don’t put my emotions into a situation where I want to move more towards a relationship then I won’t get anything out of it. However, I still end up failing and getting hurt.

Do you have any recommendations on how to possibly deal with your emotions when seeing women?

– “Jeff” from Reddit

Hey Jeff,

You ask a very good question. I mean, a lot of the advice I give is to protect you from (needless) heartache in the dating game.

But, if you’re supposed to put all your emotions aside and stay cool and calm about everything while you’re dating a lady… what’s the point?

If the dating game is all about putting up your guard and never trusting anyone, ever… why do it?

A good question indeed. Luckily, it’s got a VERY simple answer.

See, for you, the dating game is a scary, unpredictable place where you can get hurt, and that’s terrible and you have to avoid it at all cost.

For guys like me, the dating game is an unpredictable place, where getting hurt occasionally is okay, and if it happens, meh. We get over it.

The difference between you and me, is a concept you’re already familiar with – inner game.

In the context of Table Theory, it’s all about mutual independence.

See, right now, for you, a large part of your happiness is based on how well you do in dating. You’ve also gotten enough outer game down where you’ve been able to meet some cool women with moderate success.

But, where do you go from there?

The answer is wherever you want. But you’re still new at this. You need guidance.

For veterans, almost none of their overall happiness depends on whether or not they’re dating one, two, ten or a hundred girls.

It really doesn’t matter.

Know why?

Inner game.

I’ll use myself as an example. I have hobbies. I have a job. I keep busy with things that I love, that fulfill my life, that don’t depend on other people to fill in any “happiness gaps.”

Fill your life with the things you love (that have nothing to do with women), and that does two things.

  1. You bring a lot of value to the dating game. You become a happy, fun, interesting guy.
  2. When a girl leaves you for whatever reason, you have something to fall back on so that you don’t go into that “what do I do now” kind of depression I know you’re feeling.

Now, don’t get me wrong – when you really vibe with a girl, you will be invested in her. I don’t care how awesome you are as a person, if you meet a girl that you like, and you date, and she leaves, you’ll feel it.

What you need to realize is that that’s okay. You’ll get over it. It might take longer or shorter, but again, I guarantee you that if you have cool things going on in your life, the shitty post-relationship period that you’re experiencing is a lot easier to deal with.

At some point, if you want people to invest in you, you’ve got to invest in them. It is what it is. But, if the only things you have in your life are things other people are giving you – that’s what makes it so hard to let go and move on if those people take those things away.

Stand on your own two feet.

Having your own life outside of that person is simultaneously one of the biggest factors in moving on from a break-up, and also one of the biggest factors in keeping a girl from breaking up with you in the first place.

Hope that sheds some light. Be well, brotha!

-V

 

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