Quick Dating Tips – 5 Things You Can Do to Build Your Confidence With Women

“All you need is confidence.”

We’ve all heard that before, am I right? Thanks for the advice, internet. Real helpful. Just like all that sarcasm you sling around without context!

But seriously – confidence.

Everyone wants it.

Especially this guy.

Why?

Well, if you had confidence, you’d talk to that girl. You’d finally put on that full body whale suit and ask her to space prom. And also defeat the evil Emperor Zab for dominance of the galaxy. Or something.

Confidence is key – but how do we get it?

Luckily, your boy Vichet is on the case.

Here are 5 Things You Can Do to Build Your Confidence With Women!

1) Build your social competence.

You know where social confidence comes from?

Social competence.

Think about it. If you’re really good at something – dancing, singing, drawing, Connect Four, your job, whatever – do you shake in your boots the way you do when you’re standing in front of Miss Fine? No, you don’t. That’s because you have faith in your abilities. More importantly, you have the abilities.

Really, anywhere in life, competence comes before confidence.

And you got to that level of confidence in those activities by working on your competence.

But what about with women?

Here’s the kicker – no matter what anyone tells you, interacting successfully with women is 90 percent the exact same thing as interacting successfully with people in general.

So, the better you are with people in general, the better you will become with women as long as you realize that talking to a girl doesn’t require a special secret language (or even a whale suit).

Concrete tips on how to become more socially competent:

  • Learn to speak well – you can do this by reading more (out loud helps a lot). Make sure it’s well-written, good literature. Or even speeches. Read famous speeches, and read them like you’re convincing people that it’s the most important thing they’ve ever heard about. Also, eliminate unnecessary words from your vocabulary. Remember that when it comes to word choice, less is more – elegance in speech doesn’t always mean bigger words. There’s even Toast Masters, which is a really great way to work on your verbal kung-fu.
  • Physically calm your body – body language is a huge part of social interaction. If you’re twitchy and sweaty from all the crap food and sugar you eat every day, or your lack of sleep/exercise, you gotta fix that. Eat right, exercise, and take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself physically will do a whole lot to get rid of the sweats and shakes, trust me. Having that calm body language will put others at ease around you, too.
  • Be well-groomed – take care of your hair, your stubble, your smell, your clothes. Be presentable, and realize that being presentable helps a ton in social interactions.

2) In all things that don’t involve life or death, challenge yourself, and risk failure.

I wrote a big ‘ole article about this one. A lot of people never make progress anywhere in their lives because they aren’t willing to get their hands dirty in the process. I’m not talking the “get your first two kills for 00 status” type of “hands dirty.” I’m just talking about being willing to try something new, and possibly fail at it, in the process of getting competent at it.

See, being new at things will always remind you of what it means to grow as a person. And shoot, you may never know what you’re capable of if you never get out of your comfort zone.

If you haven’t reached your limit in something yet (you likely haven’t) you owe it to yourself to find out what that limit is, and attack it every day. This involves failing every day to reach your limit – until you finally reach it. When you do, find another activity to max out.

How does this build confidence with women? By building perspective. Confidence is not about always being perfect all the time – it’s about realizing that failure is oftentimes part of the process.

If you go up to that girl, and she blows you out of the water, you’ll realize that it is what it is. You tried. You failed. Because you realize that’s part of you growing as a person, you can move on.

Trust me – the people who have failed before have the most confidence, because they’re the ones who realize that getting your proverbial knees scraped isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. They have perspective about their goals and their situation BECAUSE they have failed at something.

So get out there and be new at something. Always be challenging yourself in what you do, risking failure. If you’re a level 20 human being, take on the challenges of a level 21 human being – only by risking failure and taking ourselves a little bit past our limits can we actually grow.

3) Stop making value judgments about yourself and your abilities, and stop theorizing about what you can and can’t do.

You honestly have no idea what you’re capable of. You could sit back and hypothesize all day about whether you’d eventually be able to do this or that, whether she will like you or not. The only way I’ll actually know is to get out of your head, and into the situation.

See, we undermine our confidence a lot of times by making value judgments of ourselves – both positive and negative.

Ever catch yourself saying “oh, I’m not good at that,” or “that’s what I’m best at” based on some crap that happened to you years ago?

Say that shit out loud to yourself, and then explain what it is that makes you feel that way, also out loud.

Sounds like some wild shit, don’t it?

Shoot. I used to think I sucked at sports and physical activity. Know why? Cause I couldn’t keep up in a foot race as a 7 year old against people who were 5+ years older than me.

I spent 10 years after that thinking “man, I’m no good at physical stuff.”

It’s just as bad in the opposite direction: I was always good at math and science growing up. So I ignored my passions, like writing and art. I loved drawing and writing, but I was never “as good at it” as I was at math and science.

Guess what happened when I had to decide what I wanted to study in college? I hated engineering. It wasn’t until my professors in creative writing (loved me some electives) told me that they thought I showed signs of writing chops that I finally took the plunge and decided to pursue English literature as a serious study. I made the right decision by doing it, but I could have saved myself tons of time and headaches if I never had these ideas that I was only capable of this or that in the first place.

How does this build confidence with women? By removing doubt and limiting beliefs about what you can do.

Now, it’s very unlikely that you will be in the top 10 percent of every competence ever, so don’t bring in expectations – expectations are theories. All I’m saying is that in order to find out what you’re actually capable of, you have to stop making those judgments about yourself. When you do, you’ll find it much easier to grow in ways you’d have never considered before, and you’ll find yourself able to interact with people, not just women, on a completely different level – a level of possibility instead of limitation.

4) Have a coach, mentor, or someone you really trust to keep you grounded.

A lot of confidence is perspective. Again, you have no idea what you’re capable of. Having a close friend, mentor, or Yoda to keep you motivated and grounded in reality does wonders for you.

Your mentor will be a solid reference point for you in the open sea. After you stop making those value judgments of yourself, you may find yourself wondering “well, now what?”

Your mentor, who knows you well and has a better view of how you externalize your desires, is a good person to discuss that question with.

But how does this help your confidence with women? Simple: it helps your life overall. Having someone who’s got your back, both to praise you when you’ve done well and to remind you of how much better you can do when you stumble – that’s a very powerful thing.

A guy like that will also remind you that, hey, if you screw up – it was just one girl. You still have your whole life.

You should also work on being this kind of perspective for someone else. Giving back to the people who support you is a great way to feel fulfilled overall.

5) Don’t make your whole life about any ONE thing – especially dating.

See, when you’re putting yourself out there, even as a confident guy, you’re taking a risk.

I know, I know, I said take risks in #2. No big.

See, this is not a problem if you have other things going on outside of your dating life. The stakes remain small. The risk you take with women, if you’re a balanced person, is minimal.

But, say that dating is all you have going on in your life.

Suddenly, your mood for the whole week depends on how your date Tuesday night goes.

Those are some high stakes – and the truth of the matter is that the higher the stakes, the more our confidence shakes.

(I rhymed!)

See, you can be perfectly confident in a poker game if all you’re playing for is matchsticks.

If you’re playing for your mortgage and life savings – even with a blowout hand, your gonna sweat. And you’re gonna feel it a whole lot more if you lose.

How does this apply to your confidence with women?

Two ways:

  1. If women and dating are the only priority in your life, every date becomes an “all-in” bet in exchange for fulfillment and happiness, because that’s the only thing you have in your life that can provide it.
  2. Having nothing going on in your life that you feel strongly about aside from dating makes you less attractive as a person. Meaning, you’re stacking the odds against yourself in every bet.

You can’t win when you do that.

I’m not saying to ignore women completely, but they shouldn’t be the only thing going on in your life. You don’t need those hobbies and passions to get women – you need them to be happy as a person. The value that they add to you brings confidence, and that confidence and value makes you more attractive to women.

Conclusion…

Remember that confidence isn’t something you do – it’s part of who you are. You can build it through pursuing your passions, through having perspective, through getting help from others and also helping others, but it’s not something that you wake up and decide on. You don’t open your eyes in the morning thinking “I’m going to be confident today.” If it were that simple, we wouldn’t have these problems.

What scares a lot of people off from making the really important changes in their lives that will allow confidence to grow is that confidence is expensive. If you only look at the costs – time, effort, money, sometimes even pain and suffering when those failures come around – that’s a really tall order.

Trust me, though – the cost of becoming a confident person is ALWAYS worth the price.

Really, what confidence boils down to is being happy with who you are, and who you are becoming.

When you have that, how many people CAN’T be happy with you?

Now go out there and do what you gotta do today, so you can have what you want tomorrow.

2 Responses to Quick Dating Tips – 5 Things You Can Do to Build Your Confidence With Women

  1. Cheers! Thanks for sharing your ideas about ways on dating advice Great job!

  2. Really good advice, #5 hits home especially.. at least some of the time.

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