Quick Dating Tips – 5 Ways You Can Avoid Sounding Like A Talentless Dickweed

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Yeah. We’ve all had those moments.

There we are, celebrating that royal beat down we gave to the laws of physics when we pulled that totally sweet parkour and rescued the president from ninjas! We’re knocking a few back at the bar, and a gorgeous lady with legs up to her neck walks over.

“Hey fellas,” she says. “What are you all celebrating?”

Then, it happens. “Uhh… hi. Brian. I’m Brian. My friend Vichet, we’re… parkour. President. Saved from ninjas! Number?”

“What?” she asks, put off by your slurring.

Okay, so that never happens exactly like that. One, because you’re likely the kind of guy that women don’t approach off the bat (work on that), and two, because no one actually fumbles over words that much.

Oh, but people, you DO fumble over words. And it makes you look like an asshole. Not in the good way.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but in the information age, it’s really important that you don’t have recordings of you sounding like a retard, because between Facebook and Youtube, that shit will follow you around like herpes.

So, this is more life advice – but, this advice applies any time you’re interacting and talking with ANYONE in ANY CONTEXT. Job interviews, dates, meeting new friends, impressing coworkers, you name it – you will get much farther EVERYWHERE with a silver tongue.

And no one’s born with it. So here it is: 5 Ways You Can Avoid Sounding Like A Talentless Dickweed

1) Speak slowly.

Okay, okay, I’m not saying you have to speak at Snuffalufagus tempo.

“Hiiiiiii, Biiiiiird…”

But dig this: your brain moves a lot faster than your mouth. Period. I don’t care who you are, this is just a fact of life. You KNOW exactly what you want to say. You might be saying some stupid shit, but you know what it is you want to say.

The problems come in when you try to say it at the speed the levers and pulleys inside your head came up with it.

So something like this: “You know, I really didn’t like The Dark Knight Rises. Everything wrapped up too nicely, and it’s like Christopher Nolan phoned in the happy ending because he got tired of seeing Batman get treated like shit for two movies.”

Turns into this: “The Dark Knight Rises, like, it really, uhh… wasn’t that good. The ending was, like… kind of… I dunno, fake. Penis pump.”

And think about it. Think about the most compelling speeches you’ve ever heard. The vast majority of them are delivered at a deliberate pace, with pauses and everything thrown in. And they’re delivered by guys who speak slowly enough for everyone to actually catch on and listen. Listen to Martin Luther King Jr, Barack Obama, Denzel Washington, or Morgan Freeman speak. I’m not sure why they’re all black guys, but lemme throw Ronald Reagan in there, and say that his speeches were pretty well delivered as well. None of them go a mile a minute. All of them can get people to listen.

I mean, really. Slow it down. Which brings me to my next point…

2) Eliminate filler words from your speech.

Less is more, grasshopper. Now, here’s the deal – if you speak slower and more carefully like I told you to up there, you won’t need to pause every half second with “uh” or “like” or “kind of” or “penis pump” to allow your mouth to catch up to your brain.

So right off the bat, slowing down your speech will eliminate 70 percent of the filler words that you use.

Now you’ve gotta practice getting rid of all the other fillers that come in every now and then.

Turn things like “that movie was, like, really long” (talentless dickweed).

Into “that movie was long” (acceptable dickweed).

It’s really not difficult if you have the right motivation. I had a professor in college who would dock points from your essays EVERY time you used a filler word. Class discussion moved a lot slower because of it, but it moved a lot more effectively, and we all said a lot more with a lot less.

3) Stop trying to be clever and snarky, and become smart, well-informed, and well-read instead.

Do people tell you you’re clever?


Then stop trying to be.

You don’t become clever, witty, or more observant by opening your mouth and making noises at every opportunity, hoping a joke will stick because the pure volume of words you’re producing makes it statistically inevitable.

Know how you become clever? You read books. You watch comedians. You tell stories. You observe people and situations. You LEARN and IMPROVE yourself with a base of skills and life experiences that in turn inform your snarkiness.

You think I wrote like this my whole life? You think I had this vast library of dick jokes since I could talk?

Nah, dawg!

You don’t become clever or snarky by randomly shooting your mouth off. Clever and snarky is something you ARE – and if you are not clever or snarky but you want to be, it’s something you must become.

The key to cleverness is to become smart, well-spoken, well-timed in speech, and well-informed.

And this brings me to my next point…

4) There’s a difference between putting your best foot forward, and “trying to impress people” in a social setting. Learn it.

You’re gonna have to trust me on this. A lot of you try to impress people actively with your speech. As if speaking well is like doing sweet parkour and rescuing the president from ninjas.

It’s not.

If anything, I would say that speaking well is a f*ckin’ requirement of being alive. I’m mystified that I get respect for speaking like an adult.

That said, it’s not about impressing people. It’s about being an effective communicator.

When it comes to talkin’, get the job done. Period. That’s what impresses people. That is by definition the best you can do. That’s your best foot, and when you’re not tripping over words, and when you can get your thoughts across quickly and without fuss, people will think highly of you. Again, it mystifies me. That shit should be a requirement!

At least in the job market, it pretty much is a requirement. “Like,” “uh,” and other filler words bomb interviews harder than the Enola Gay (look it up, you uninformed cock hair).

5) Talk to a lot more people, in person.

Look, here’s the thing. I’m told I’m a good writer. That’s great, and all, but it doesn’t mean shit when I’m actually in a room with someone. They’re different skills – a key difference being that when I write, I can go back and edit shit before I put it up for anyone to see.

When you’re talking to someone, you can’t say “wait, I take that last thing I said back. I wanted to say it this way instead.” Well, I guess you can, but you’ll look like an asshole.

Again, speaking clearly out loud requires you to think on your feet and get it right before you even begin to say it. So, doing something like chatting online, though it may help you with related skills like organizing your thoughts and spelling properly, isn’t the same as getting in the mud and talking to people in real life.

Here’s a suggestion – anyone you meet who you think speaks very well? Talk to those people. It even might help if you imagine yourself trying to imitate their mode of speech. That’ll make your tongue more nimble, and it’ll make you stick to using words that are actually useful.

What does this have to do with women?

You know how you have to talk to women? Yeah. That. If you follow my steps, which I just came up with in about 15 minutes a few days ago, you can sound… well, different than almost any guy that she’s met. In a good way.

Good speech exudes confidence.

Also, Toastmasters. I’ve never been, but I hear great things. Also, they’ve been around a lot longer than I have, and have likely formalized most of their methods in a way that I could not within 15 minutes, a few days ago.

This article was brought to you by Vichet’s internet rage.

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