DTE – Part XI – Preselection, Deselection, and “Fairness” in the Dating Game

Every person on this earth has an opinion about you from the first moment they see or hear about you, and it goes from there.

Women included.

This is why we do things like dress nicely (or not), speak nicely (or not), and avoid picking our noses in public (or not).

Let that sink in. Everyone has an opinion about you.

Someone’s opinion of you, right now. He may or may not operate a dating advice website, and be named Vichet.

This is actually an awesome thing, because people’s opinions are very easy to make positive.

It might not be strong, and the person might not actively think about you, but if asked, they will have something small to say – even if it’s neutral.

The concept of “preselection” is when a woman’s opinion of you before meeting is on the positive side.

Ding ding ding! There’s the dating trope. To make this more active-sounding, she “preselects” you if she has a positive opinion of you before either of you even interact.

Here’s another truth you need to realize: every girl who has given you anything in good faith, whether it’s friendship, sex, or a collection of Xbox games, has preselected you on some level.

Preselection is like a credit rating. In the dating world, your good credit is made up of your reputation for being and creating fun. And then you get pre-approved by the bank of Melissa for that home loan.

You can dip my card anytime, baby.

Congratulations! You’ve been preapproved for a line of credit from Melissa’s Vagina Trust.

I may have mixed metaphors here, but you get the picture.

There are simple ways to maximize how women preselect you. You’ve probably heard of a lot of them:

  • Be physically fit. Sorry, more women tend to have fetishes for fit guys than fat guys. The same is true for men, so you can’t blame ’em.
  • Have good posture.
  • Dress well.
  • Have fun-loving (and thus fun-looking) friends of both sexes out with you whenever you can.
  • Be good at a skill that you like to use around your friends – this can be a lot of things, like magic tricks, dancing, singing, playing guitar, making drinks, etc.
  • Have a good reputation in your circle of friends – this one is tougher and requires leadership skills, as you have to be the social center for anyone to bother talking about you outside of your social circle, but it pays off in spades. Or vagina. One of the two.
  • Some “less noble” things, like what kind of car you drive, how much money you have, and whether you’re actually a pimp (“whoremonger”).
  • A million other things that I’ve listed variously all over this website.

All of these things are something that women will notice about you, and generally judge to be “positive” – it varies from woman to woman – before you even talk to them. You may hear guys talking about “getting women to chase you,” or “becoming the prize.” What all that really means is just getting women to have a good opinion of you before you even start to talk to them. And, it’s all pretty easy when you incorporate positive changes in your lifestyle, and is all something that you can have going for you without actively concentrating, so you don’t have to worry about it screwing up during your actual interactions with people.

Now, here’s the thing – preselection is mostly subconscious. Women don’t look at guys and go down a checklist thinking “well, if he scores an 8 or above on his next dance move, I could imagine myself banging him.”

The reason that I wanted to discuss preselection as a trope rather than a “Quick Dating Tip” is that almost ALL of my QDT articles are about how to get women to preselect you more often. So, you don’t need more advice on that regard, if you read my other shit.

The real reason I wrote this article is because preselection is a huge emotional and philosophical hang-up for a lot of you. That’s because you are encountering scenarios where women are DE-selecting you, and you can’t get over it.

Ever hear about getting blown out of the water? As in, you walk up to a woman, and introduce yourself, and before you can even say “and I have a huge dick,” she’s already ignoring you?

Well, that’s the dark side of preselection. It’s not something that we focus on systematically, and it’s why I’m writing this article.

The things is, as easily as it is to cultivate positive opinions, it’s just as easy to inadvertently cultivate negative ones. Sometimes a woman’s deselection of you may be because of something you can’t control, like your ethnicity, hair, height, or whatever. That’s when it stings the most – if you let it.

Sometimes it’s something you’d consider trivial, like the drink you ordered, or speaking too loudly, or having a smile that she thinks is weird.

And that’s the thing. You have to be in this game knowing that, even if you’re Don Juan himself, there will be times when a woman has already said no to you before even knowing you.

It happens.


If you need help with the above, think about all the girls you DON’T want to sleep with.

Uhhh... maybe six? No, five. Just five.

Just five. Am I right? Har har har.

Now, do you think about those girls on a daily basis? Do you sit around going “man, if a girl who looks like a hot pink dump-truck and spoke with a valley girl accent (no offense if this describes you, ladies) came up to me, I’d totally not approach her.”

No, you don’t. Because people and things we are not interested in are irrelevant, and our thoughts generally don’t gravitate toward irrelevant information. If you hate grape soda, you likely don’t think about grape soda that much, unless you’re a fucking tool. Because grape soda is awesome, asshole.

And, see, that’s the thing. In order to be confident in approaching the women that have preselected you, you have to let go of the anger associated with women deselecting you, and stop thinking that it’s “unfair” if a woman doesn’t want to get to know you before she gets a chance to actually get to know you.

A lot of you have never gotten over the fact that there are tons of women out there for whom you don’t even register, or worse, think you’re a piece of shit based on the shirt you’re wearing. You probably do the exact same thing – I’m not saying that it’s good or right. Making a habit of being cynical and brushing people off is a bad way to make connections – people who do this to you will find themselves very isolated later in life. But, her preferences are her business, and it’s not your prerogative to waste time on the millions of reasons a woman might not be interested in you.

Just let it go, dawg. It might be “unfair,” but more importantly, it doesn’t matter. ONE woman’s deselection of you doesn’t matter. You’ve only got a problem when 9/10 women deselect you, all for the same reason.

And even then, shit, if you’re working on your game and are becoming closer to who you are deep down, and looking for someone compatible with you, there are TONS of women who will be deselecting you more based on your changes, because by becoming the best version of who you are, you’re just more and better of what they’re NOT looking for – you never were compatible, so improving doesn’t help you with these women.

But, again – those women, by definition, don’t matter to you. Because you’re not attracted to women who hate who you are – at least you better not be because we’ve been working on this. They might be good looking here and there, but there are an equal number who are good looking and have pre-selected you. And the ratio of women who preselect you will rise over time.

So, stop focusing on the stupid bullshit, like all the women who won’t go out with you because of your height, your hair, your passions, your ethnicity, because they don’t fucking matter. You can’t change that stuff, and you sure as hell shouldn’t change it for them. If you’re making good moves in life, there are women who are preselecting you more and more based on who you actually are – go find them!

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