QDT – 5 Steps to Getting Over Your Approach Anxiety

So, I was out the other night catching up with a friend visiting town, when I complimented a tall blonde on her perfume. Conversation, laughing, and impromptu dancing ensued, but no numbers were asked for because I’m predisposed at the moment (sorry ladies and readers).

Either way, not too far from where I was carrying on with this nice lady and her two equally nice friends, I remember seeing a couple of guys. They didn’t look green with envy, but they were definitely intrigued by the whole situation  – eyes on us the whole time. I can’t say for sure they wished they were the ones carrying on, but I can say I remember a time when I was the guy who was too shy to approach a woman and instead watched as others who didn’t have that problem had all the fun.

How did I fix it? Well, I never really looked up a guide or broke it down into steps, but I do remember saying “enough is enough, I’ve had it with these mothafuckin’ snakes on this mothafuckin’ plane,” or something equally Sam Jackson-esque. Only coming from an Asian man. And maybe while crying myself to sleep.

But, looking back on it, there were some concrete steps I took that really helped take away the jitters I used to get when in the presence of boobinite.

My only weakness!

My only weakness!

So, here they are. 5 Steps to Getting Over Your Approach Anxiety:

1) Learn to talk to everyone, and do it without any motive or goal in mind aside from “introduce yourself and learn someone’s name and occupation.”

You can do this anywhere. Waiting in line at the grocery? Talk to the person behind you and ask them what’s good – the stuff in their cart is a great conversation starter as long as you don’t mention the rope and condoms. Waiting for the elevator in the office you go to every day with the same people you’ve never said 2 words to? Introduce yourself and ask them what they do. Sitting at a bar with your buddies? Get out of your comfort zone and get to know the bartender (this has other added benefits).

If you find yourself in a situation with other people where you have the option of standing in silence or not (and it’s not a funeral, or hiding from the gestapo), then start tuning your default action to “meet people” instead of “sit quietly.”

Personally, this was huge thing for me. If you are no good with people, you will be no good with women. A lot of guys in pickup say to do your “1000 approaches” to get used to this. Same idea, but mine is even easier. Forget about goals like getting a number or whatever. Just talk to people, and not just women.

Get good at introducing yourself. Get good at getting people comfortable talking to you. If you do this with everyone, you will be able to easily do this with women you find attractive. It won’t guarantee you a number, but it WILL keep you from sabotaging yourself with that stutter that only comes out when tiny skirts abound.

2) Do not wait more than a minute for the “right time.”

There is no “right time.” You’re a stranger. But, here’s the thing – most guys, when they get their worst approach anxiety, is when they find themselves waiting for a moment, instead of seizing a moment.

I’m not telling you to cut a girl off in traffic and ask for her number. I’m just saying that if you’re in a bar, and the girl looks like she’s “busy texting or talking to her friends,” screw that. Don’t give yourself more than a minute to think about when to walk over, because most of the time it doesn’t make a god damn difference. Unless it’s heart surgery and she really needs to concentrate. And how the hell did you get into the operating room, anyway?

Almost every guy I know psyches himself out if he waits longer than a minute. A lot of pick up guys use the “30 second rule.” It doesn’t matter what time interval you use – you just have to be honest with yourself and know that if you’re the type who will start having doubts after x amount of time, you’ve gotta take the plunge before that voice appears.

3) If you need a line to start off the conversation, start off with the reason you came over.

**DISCLAIMER** Even though there’s almost no limit to what you can say here, though I advise against saying “you have a really nice rack and I wanted to let you know.” I will say that there are times when that has worked for me, but that’s advanced shit for when you already have a really good field tested people sense for when a girl is amenable to that comment coming from you.

That said, there is SOMETHING you liked about the girl before you went over. Maybe it’s her hair. Or her smile. Something she ordered to drink. Maybe you heard her talking about how Aquaman was a completely unnecessary response to the douchebag character that is Namor the Sub-Mariner, who himself was the result of a drunken sea captain getting frisky with his mer-mom.

So take whatever that interesting observation was, go up to her, and let her know exactly that, and then introduce yourself. That way, you have a nice little starting off point of shared interest or appreciation.

If you’ve been working on your confidence and you do this without hesitation, you will get either a clear indication that she appreciates your comment and would like to get to know you better, or a clear indication that she’s not interested in you. No big either way – remember that success and failure in social interactions isn’t about this interaction or that one – it’s about the big picture over time. Over time, you will be meeting a lot more women, and it pays in spades if you know how to quickly get a genuine conversation started.

4) Approach the girl, but don’t ignore her group.

Is the purdiest girl in the room there with friends? Better get a wing!

Just kidding. I mean, if you have one and he’s funny and cool in similar ways as you are, then fine. But, I’m going to be honest. I’ve never really bought into the wingman system, unless the wingman is a woman.

Because, honestly, I’m of the opinion that if you NEED someone else to make you more personable to a group of people, then there’s something wrong with your game.

A wingman is a boost, not a crutch.

Think about it. When was the last time you met a really cool guy who could only approach other groups of people he didn’t know if there was someone there with him? I’m still waiting for that unicorn.

So, I say just approach. Don’t try to edge or insinuate your way into the group. Be direct. They will recognize your ballsiness even if they find they don’t really wanna party with you.

She’s in a group with 6 friends. They might be a bachelorette party, a birthday, an office function, or just a girl’s night out. This gives you an easy conversation starter. Ask her what they’re all out for. If you’re clever, be clever. If you’re not, just smile and say “that’s cool.”

THEN you can introduce yourself to the group. Shake their hands. Ask them what they like about the place, and where they fit into the night’s plans. Add energy to their party by telling that story about the time you ended up in a boat with a tiger and they made a movie about it. You’ll quickly know if the group approves of you or not. If they do, they will help you. If not, well, work on your game.

5) Do not limit yourself to a number of approaches per night.

This is closely related to step 1 but is different enough that I felt it needed its own step. I feel like a lot of guys burn out after their first set, successful or unsuccessful. A guy might get a number that night, and then stop talking to and meeting other people. Even worse, he gets the cold shoulder and then he’s done for the rest of the night, or even week.

And I have to ask, why?

If you limit yourself to “one success per night or one failure per night,” approaching people will always be a chore and will always make you anxious.

You have to turn it into something as natural as breathing if you want the anxiety to go away.

Remember – this is about meeting girls. Not girl, singular. Girls. Many. A gross (144) of girls. Or as many as you can manage and care to meet.

You’re not asking them to marry you. You’re not suddenly in a committed relationship. So why stop approaching?

Obviously (or maybe not so obviously), tact requires that you not pick up and carry on with other women in front of another that you just approached and from whom you got a number/kiss/handy under the table. But, after you bounce to a new spot, there’s no reason not to talk to and meet other people. Jealousy is as real as every other human instinct, and like any other emotion, cannot be logic’d away.

The worst situation you get in, where I have personally been multiple times, is that after a while you end up seeing too many women and not having time for them all, and you gotta let a few down because you don’t vibe with them as well as others you’re seeing.

Yeah, that’s a problem that you can live with, trust me. My next article will probably deal with the logistics of non-committed dating with multiple partners.

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