A change of perspective, and final thoughts

Hi everyone. It’s been a while. I’ve been up to a lot. I’ve also learned a lot.

Since I wrote this blog, there’s been a lot of attention paid to the politics of gender/sexuality, and thus dating.

I think the watershed moment we’re all familiar with is #metoo.

But that’s the thing. For most of us men, it was a watershed moment because we haven’t been listening. We thought it “came out of nowhere,” right?

Nah. It’s been bubbling and boiling for a long time. Not knowing about it was our privilege as the “good men” who didn’t do those nasty things.

When I wrote all of this advice, it was from what I thought was the “neutral” perspective of “I’m a (cis hetero) guy and I write for (cis hetero) guys,” which by itself in an imaginary perfect world might have been innocuous.

But we don’t live in a perfect world, and most of this blog honestly upholds the status quo of a lot of systems and social expectations that burden everyone, but especially women, trans folks, femmes, and anyone that is unable to conform to the protective shield of traditional masculinity.

Since writing this blog I’ve done a lot of introspection and listening. I’m lucky to count a lot of women amongst my friends, who have probably given me more patience than I deserve.

Most of the advice on this page is no longer something I feel comfortable repeating. But I refuse to be one of the guys in a long line of deniers who tries to make off like these weren’t my genuine thoughts and attitudes at the time, or that I never said these things.

We must look at ourselves without denying where we can change or where we MUST change.

My advice is now, is to listen. Listen to the women and other groups in your life that are not like you. Listen to the experiences they’ve had, and recognize that they trusted you enough to tell you what has happened to them in the first place.

Honor that trust. Be part of the solution.

Because in a world where all of us are free, we wouldn’t need hyper-masculine dating blogs to turn guys into the “right type of man” to be able to connect with each other.

QDT – To Text, or Not To Text: A Strategist’s Approach

I’m not dead, bitch! I am busy though. And, writing all this crap for free kind of plays second fiddle to doing other things for not free.

Economics. Learn it.

Anyway, today I’m going to talk text. Or at least one specific situation in texting.

We’ve all been in that situation where we get someone’s number after a night out, and then text to make plans. But, then we don’t hear back right away.

The perfect setup!

The perfect setup!

Anyway, you send a girl an invitation for the bacon and biscuits jamboree, and who WOULDN’T expect a girl to be all over that and text back right away? The shit is tight.

Regardless, sometimes you don’t hear back. Which brings us to our impasse:

If you text a girl with some plans and don’t hear back for a couple of days, should you text again?

If you know me in real life, you know I’m a huge opponent of having actual conversations over text. This is because I think every conversation you have over text can be had better in real life, where there’s touching and casual booby massaging involved. That, and I truly believe that a conversation by itself is not an indicator of romantic interest. Either way, if you’re wasting all of your interesting conversation over text, you can’t use it in real life without sounding like a tool.

That said, if you haven’t heard back from a girl in a couple days after texting her about upcoming plans, you should absolutely text again. Here’s why: texting her again will let you know, beyond a doubt, whether she wants to spend time with you.

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DTE – Part XII – Kino, and Indicators of Interest

What is “kino,” you ask?

It’s how pick-up communities refer to physical touching in a romantic/sexual context. A handshake, a hug, an arm around the waist, a playful punch. You know, cootie central type stuff.

Beyond that, kino is key to establishing and developing physical comfort between two people. Assuming both parties want to be physically comfortable in the first place, or are at least curious about whether they would be. Hint: if you’re on a date with someone, that person is usually curious about whether you both would be physically comfortable with each other, so make a move, jerk.

Most people follow what’s called a “kino escalation ladder,” which sorts specific instances of physical contact by their generally accepted level of intimacy. Read more of this post

QDT – 5 Steps to Getting Over Your Approach Anxiety

So, I was out the other night catching up with a friend visiting town, when I complimented a tall blonde on her perfume. Conversation, laughing, and impromptu dancing ensued, but no numbers were asked for because I’m predisposed at the moment (sorry ladies and readers).

Either way, not too far from where I was carrying on with this nice lady and her two equally nice friends, I remember seeing a couple of guys. They didn’t look green with envy, but they were definitely intrigued by the whole situation  – eyes on us the whole time. I can’t say for sure they wished they were the ones carrying on, but I can say I remember a time when I was the guy who was too shy to approach a woman and instead watched as others who didn’t have that problem had all the fun.

How did I fix it? Well, I never really looked up a guide or broke it down into steps, but I do remember saying “enough is enough, I’ve had it with these mothafuckin’ snakes on this mothafuckin’ plane,” or something equally Sam Jackson-esque. Only coming from an Asian man. And maybe while crying myself to sleep.

But, looking back on it, there were some concrete steps I took that really helped take away the jitters I used to get when in the presence of boobinite.

My only weakness!

My only weakness!

So, here they are. 5 Steps to Getting Over Your Approach Anxiety:

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DTE – Part XI – Preselection, Deselection, and “Fairness” in the Dating Game

Every person on this earth has an opinion about you from the first moment they see or hear about you, and it goes from there.

Women included.

This is why we do things like dress nicely (or not), speak nicely (or not), and avoid picking our noses in public (or not).

Let that sink in. Everyone has an opinion about you.

Someone’s opinion of you, right now. He may or may not operate a dating advice website, and be named Vichet.

This is actually an awesome thing, because people’s opinions are very easy to make positive.

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