Dating Doctrine – Step 4 – Give Up on Perfection and Embrace Failure

I teach competitive Latin dance – you know, that stuff you see on Dancing with the Stars.

Pics or it didn’t happen.

I specialize in teaching people who have never danced a day in their lives.

You know what the first thing they say to me is, even before we begin?

Can you guess?

Well, here’s a selection of things that people tell me (and themselves) even as they’re walking into my class:

“I can’t dance.”

“I’m not coordinated.”

“There’s no way I can learn this.”

“I’m not talented in that way.”

Basically, the same damn thing I told myself the first two years I started doing Latin, 8 years ago.

So, I know where they’re coming from.

Usually, what they’re thinking when they say “I can’t do that,” is that they’re imagining the end goal. So they see something like this…

… and they think “I’ll never get there.”

They see a dance like that video up there, and to them it’s perfect and unattainable. It’s not even worth it to try.

Of course that happens. They’re beginners. They’ve never danced before. And usually, because I teach at a top tier University, they’re also really damn smart. So, it really frustrates them when I explain something with words, and they understand it, but they still can’t do it.

So, here’s where a lot of different neuroses, habits, and hidden downsides of “self-perceived aptitude” all come together in a perfect storm of getting nothing done: the illusion of perfection makes it impossible for you to improve as a person in any endeavor.

You tell yourself “Well, if I was good at it, I’d already be good at it.”

And then you don’t try. Because people who are good at things don’t lose.

As if no one has ever lost at tennis, basketball, or jello wrestling, right?

See, there’s something about our culture that reviles failure. As in, you fail at something – even something small, like a spelling test in first grade – and that’s it for you. You carry that shit around like luggage.

In modern civilization, you are not allowed to fail.

Let that marinate for a bit. Really let that sink in.

“But Vichet,” you say. “We’ve all failed in some way or another!”

Yeah, I know we have. I’m the one writing this, remember?

But really think about it. How openly do we allow ourselves to talk about our failures? How strong is that reaction in the pit of your stomach that makes you think “oh no, I better not mention that time I _______.”

What’s going on there?

Shame? Regret? Anger? Despair?

Sheesh. Where did that come from, right?

All of this, because for some reason, we all feel the need to be “perfect.” Whatever that means.

Got it?

Now, think of someone who is the paragon of their field.

Richard Feynman. Michael Jordan. James Brown. Anyone. Think of people who are world champions, renowned artists, leaders.

Now, think about the fact that when they were young, they were pretty much just like every other kid around them, and very likely, they were getting their asses handed to them at whatever it was they became known for.

You think Michael Jordan won every basketball game in his life, ever? Even when he was 6?

You think he was born knowing how to play?

It’s more likely he started playing when he was young, sucked at it for a while. Someone was dunking on him. Someone was breaking his ankles with a sick crossover. Someone was making him walk home and think “maybe I should get into something else.” Someone made him feel the way anyone who ever started fresh at something has felt, ever.

Right. Now why do you expect that your life would turn out any different?

I’ll tell you why.

You expect yourself to be perfect.

You think you’re a Betty Crocker Instant Expert kinda person. You think there’s some skill out there that you haven’t discovered yet, and that skill is your calling, and you’ll be better at it than anyone else in the world, instantly, because – well, because you think perfection is what you deserve.

Sounds really weird when you voice that opinion out loud, don’t it?

Well, you’re not. No one is instantly good at something. Well, Mozart, maybe. But, really, are you saying you think you’re f*cking Mozart? Ego much?

What this really comes down to is how often we let our pride make decisions in our lives for us.

Your pride is what tells you that you have to be perfect at this or that, and if you’re not, well, get out of there because you can’t let people see your “weakness” or “failures.”

Let me tell you this. I started ballet and modern dance less than 2 years ago. I’m in classes with people who are both very talented, and have been doing it for longer.

Twice to three times a week, I step into a place where I am measurably one of the worst people in the room.

But I don’t let that matter.

Because if you want to be good at everything, you have to embrace the fact that you will suck at it for a long time.

Those were just two examples of things I’ve been new at. After I got over my pride, I discovered I could be new at ANYTHING and just do it without being embarrassed. I got in control of my life instead of my life controlling me.

So really think about it. Where are those moments that you allow fear of failure to make decisions for you?

Yeah. Get rid of those. The only way you’ll get better at anything is to commit to failing for a while. If you’re starting at a 1 out of 10, you’ve gotta go through 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 – all failing grades – before you get to 7.

So, live it. Become it. Be it.

Jake the Dog agrees.

Dating Doctrine – Step 3 – Be a Whole Person and Live a Balanced Life. That, and Something About a Pie.

Hello, America.

I’d like to talk to you today about a problem that I encounter very often when giving advice.

That problem is being too detail oriented. Yes, you can be too detail oriented, and it will put the brakes on everything you want to get out of life.

I’m not usually one to forecast gloom and doom, but too often, people come to me looking for the one piece of advice that, by itself, will make everything better – the cheat codes to pick-up and dating, if you will.

And then I confuse the hell out of them by telling them to do something that has nothing to do with women. “Fix your life!” “Have passions!” “Become independent!”

What happened there?

Well, I’ll tell you what – no one single piece of advice, especially in pick-up, will make everything better, except for me saying “use your head” to a smart, experienced person who has already had some measures of success, and knows the value of hard work and persistence.

But, again, the belief that there is one mantra that will work for everything comes out whenever people oversimplify advice to make things seem easier. Which is, like, all the f*ckin’ time, because the response I get 9 times out of 10 to “fix your life” is “but Vichet I just want girls lolololol.”

Right. Then guys like that go and read the following gems:

  • Confidence is everything.
  • You just have to look good, smell good, and dress well.
  • Forget about everything else, just use kino!
  • Sexual frame! It’s all about sexual frame!
  • Be alpha!
  • Be cocky and funny!

And, you know, none of those statements are wrong by themselves. They all have merit.

It’s just that, by themselves, they’re not terribly helpful either.

How do you tell a man who has nothing going for him to just “act confident?” How do you tell a guy who has no confidence that all he needs to do is look good? How can you ignore thousands of years of human verbal and non-verbal interaction to focus solely on touch? How do you explain a sexual frame to a person who isn’t having enough sex? And what the hell does “being alpha” mean (hint: whatever the hell the person saying it means)?

See what I mean? Each of those details requires other things to be in place before they can start to work. By focusing too much on the small details as “the one thing you need to do,” you will stop doing all the other things that make “that one thing” work in the first place.

That’d be like if you were a knife maker making your greatest knife ever, and you spent all your time honing the blade without realizing you didn’t attach a handle, but not only that, forgetting that you need a handle in the first place. Really great blade, but without being complete, that shit is useless by itself.

A knife only requires two parts, though.

Pick-up, and beyond that, happiness in general – well, that requires a few more parts.

So, because I love cooking, I’m going to use a different metaphor here.

Being a complete, balanced, happy, attractive person is like being a well-made apple pie.

You can’t argue that this is completely true and accurate.

If you don’t like cooking, well, you can pretend I’m talking about well-made cars or something.

It might get strange when I start talking about allspice and cinnamon, which have no uses inside a car. Unless you built an oven into the glove box, and start making apple pies in there.

You can think of the different techniques (kino, frame, eye contact, leading, etc – the real PUA stuff), doctrines (how you conduct yourself overall in life, regardless of women), and strategies (mindset, philosophies, overall outlook on life that affects your doctrine) as ingredients in the pie.

In my view, some ingredients, like doctrine and strategy, are more important than others, like techniques. That’s because techniques only apply to very specific situations in your life.

An example being that kino applies to women who are already intrigued by you, and want to know more about you. That’s very specific. As you become more attractive, kino might be more universal, but if you’re reading my blog, chances are that you aren’t there quite yet.

Thing is, not all of your life is very specific situations. Most of it is open-ended, and you will find yourself wasting a lot of time if you’re staring at everything through a magnifying glass thinking “what could I have done better during that particular five minutes of that one day last week in that situation that will likely never happen again?”

But how do we avoid getting too caught up in details?

Well, by living your life through balance.

The pie is a good way to look at this. To make a pie, you need all the ingredients, right?

So what happens when you say something like “it’s all about kino”?

Well, that’d be like making a pie that only has cinnamon in it. Cinnamon’s f*ckin’ awesome, but ever have a spoonful by itself? That shit is nasty. Cinnamon by itself doesn’t make a pie. No one would eat it. Maybe someone who likes cinnamon a whole hell-of-a-lot would take a lick. But that’s it.

Okay, so you can’t have just cinnamon. What about if you add the apples? That’s what makes an apple pie, right? Baked apples with cinnamon are frickin’ awesome. Put a little sugar on there, now we’re getting somewhere! Let’s say that having spiced, baked apples in your pie is representative of having cool things going on in your life. You’ve got that, now.

Great! Who wants to buy spiced, baked apples from the store?

A lot more people than whoever wants to buy plain cinnamon – this is true.

But, there’s still something missing. The presentation. The charm. The look of the pie. The thing that makes people look at the pie and wonder what it tastes like.

That’s where crust comes in. Crust can be, for pick-up purposes, your overall look and presence. People will see a good crust and think, “That’s a nice pie.”

But remember, if all you have is a nice crust, you just LOOK like a nice pie. You’re not actually that great. If you don’t have the spices and the apples in there, you’ll be the kind of guy who gets lots of numbers and first dates, but very few seconds.

You gotta have it all. You don’t have to be the best at everything, no, but you have to at least take care of every part of your life.

I’m not saying make everything the same priority – there are things in your life that are more important than others. But, just because you prioritize something now, doesn’t mean you forget about everything else after that.

You need to realize that pick-up and dating and relationships are more than about one technique, one conversation, or one date. There’s a bigger picture you’re missing if all you’re doing is thinking that you only need to be doing one thing in your life to achieve success. You have to be a whole man. Not just someone who’s good in a conversation

And, beyond that, this is just part of life. One single tiny part of your life. What are you doing to take care of your life? Pick-up?

Not such a good idea, bro. I firmly believe that focusing too much on picking up women is plain destructive and a waste of time, because it’ll make you focus on women as a solution to a problem that you have with yourself. A problem that no woman or other person can fix.

Don’t get me wrong – if I didn’t believe this stuff was important and that people needed to know it, I wouldn’t be writing hundreds of pages of advice.

But pick-up… it’s just a small part of your life, man. 15 percent at MOST. And, you’re not going to build a whole life by focusing JUST on pick-up and pick-up techniques, or even my dating advice. Think about it – do you really want to put 85 percent of your life effort into something that’s only worth 15 percent?

Please. Do that, and you’ll ruin your game, and ruin your life.

I’ve probably said this in 10 different articles, but the key to good relationships is to have the foundation of a good life. Period. You can argue 15 ways from Sunday about this technique or that technique and about how one pulls more girls or whatever, but if you don’t have your shit together, all of that stuff is just splitting hairs.

Details don’t really matter if you’re failing at life, because the solution to a failing life is always the same – handle your shit. Get your shit handled, and then suddenly, almost everything you do is golden, pick-up or otherwise. THEN you can work on techniques, because they become the difference between good and great, versus the difference between failing miserably and not failing quite as miserably.

There’s a reason why guys who are happy with their lives don’t have lady troubles. Here’s to you finding out, and living out that reason.

Dating Doctrine – Step 2 – Mastering Your Life: What Would the Ultimate Man Do (WWUMD)?

Okay, you have life goals, and you’ve become attractive.

Now what?

“Well, Vichet, you said that we would score with the ladies!”

Having sex can make a nice man out the meanest!

Right. That’s true. If you have goals, and are attractive, and are also tearing shit up wherever you go, you will get laid. Even by pretty attractive women, to boot.

It’s inevitable. I mean, people have been having sex since the dawn of man. You and I wouldn’t be here if they hadn’t. Now that you’re attractive and driven (and thus, usually, happy on your own), your potential partners will be that much more attractive, too.

But, that doesn’t make you invulnerable to lady troubles. Even the most attractive, put-together men can be thrown completely off track by the right kind of wrong woman.

“Vichet, you surely jest! If such a woman were I to encounter, I would avoid such trouble with the guiding light of Table Theory! Also, why did I switch into iambic speech? Wicked cool.”

Well… yes. To all of that, yes. But, Table Theory isn’t the answer to everything.

“Hogwash! You have an entire segment on your site called “Dating Doctrine!” What is it, if not the answer to every situation you could face when dealing with women?”

Well… true. There are a lot of answers here. I’m just saying they aren’t the “be all, end all” of running your life – more like very practical guidelines built from my own and multiple other, much wiser men’s experiences.

“But… but then what? I don’t have the cheat code to life anymore, if it’s not Table Theory! Who will I turn to for advice?”

The clouds part in an awesome ray of blinding light and, I dunno, rose petals and shit.

“Well, I think you know who you should turn to,” says the mysterious stranger as he dusts himself off and does some totally boss karate moves.

“Whoa!” you exclaim. “Who is this guy? He looks like me, but there’s something different about the way he walks, talks, and does karate! So familiar, yet so awesome!”

I’ll tell you who that is, sport – the Ultimate Man!

The Ultimate Man flexes casually and says “I don’t have to show off my muscles, but I will anyway because f*ck you.”

“Wow,” you say, impressed. “Why does he look like a cooler version of me?”

Well, that’s because the Ultimate Man is an ideal. He’s like Santa Claus, minus the child slavery and sweat shop managing. He represents the best of you. The guy who knows what he needs to do and does it intelligently, effectively, and with urgency – but not panic.

“I also don’t take myself too seriously,” says the Ultimate Man. “For example: everybody poops. This one time…”

Ooookay, Ultimate Man, let’s not get too far into that.

“Fine,” says the Ultimate Man. “I’m totally telling this story later, though.”

Sure you are.

You look at the Ultimate Man, and then in a mirror. “So he’s like the super-ego,” you remark.

Shut up. Kind of. Whatever. Anyway, what the Ultimate Man really is, is your better nature. Name a problem you procrastinated about last week.

“Let’s see… oh, I didn’t want to wash my dishes, so I left them in the sink for 2 or 3 days.”

Okay. That’s a double whammy of gross and mundane, but what say you, Ultimate Man?

“That shit’s already done. What I’m REALLY working on is learning all the different languages I need to know for my backpacking trip across the Mongolian steppe.”

“Whoa!” you utter. “He’s actually DOING that? I always just considered that a pipe dream.”

Well, of course he is. He’s you. Just the version of you that will actually fight a little bit every day to achieve what he wants to achieve.

Your eyes light up with a twinkle, and you trip over yourself in glee with your next thought. “What can he tell me about getting womens?!”

All of them!

“Hmph,” the Ultimate Man scoffs. “True happiness come from within, Grasshopper. I get all the women by being my awesome self.”

That’s right, young padawan. The Ultimate Man doesn’t focus on getting women. They just hop along for the ride, and he lets them stay if they’re cool.

“What?” you ask in disbelief. “How do you deal with lady problems, then?”

“I don’t,” says the Ultimate Man.

“Do you have a set of rules? Guidelines? A Dating Doctrine, perhaps?” you ask, pleading.

“Well, guidelines, yes,” the Ultimate Man says. “There’s only one: be the Ultimate Man.”

You sit there and ponder the perfect circularity of his proposition. “Can you be more specific?”

The Ultimate Man rolls his eyes, bored with tedium, but acquiesces. “Fine. Here’s a samurai slash of truth on what it means to be the Ultimate Man – this has nothing to do with women in and of itself.”

  • Never make decisions based on fear of failure.
  • If you must make compromises to accommodate a weakness, find a way to fix the weakness as soon as possible.
  • Not everything that is urgent is important.
  • Consider others’ opinions without being ruled by them. Seven times out of ten, they might just be assholes. The other three, you might be the asshole.
  • You will always have to deal with the consequences of your actions – maybe not today, but someday.
  • There are no rules that will cover every situation – use your head.

“Now, based on that,” the Ultimate Man begins, “I’ll show you how I deal with relationship problems from the standpoint of the Ultimate Man.”

  • I face (significant) disagreements with any female friend head on.
  • I am never afraid to be alone – if a relationship must end, it must end.
  • If I am willing to compromise, I do – I am not willing to compromise on everything.
  • I always have my own friends, my own dreams, my own money, and my own life. A woman must have all those things and be part of mine if we are to be compatible.
  • I don’t yearn for days past or exes, because I take and appreciate the lessons I’ve learned from them and move on.
  • After a break up, I don’t let nostalgic emotions (the fear of being alone) make decisions for me that will ultimately make me even less happy.
  • When I mess up, I learn from it and do what I can to repair the mistake. If the mistake irreparably damages the relationship, then so be it.
  • Life is too short for grudges and crazy women – happy men understand this.

“There’s probably some other pointers, too, but I mostly just play it by ear. So, that’s pretty much it,” the Ultimate Man says. “When it comes to women, at some point you just start using your head, and you’re mature enough to take risks and accept mistakes, and learn from them. To know that relationships are full of gray areas, and that there’s no way to plan for every situation like most of the rule books say there are. When was the last time you pulled out the rule book, Vichet?”

Not since I started writing one of my own, Ultimate Man.

“Ahh, rulebooks. I remember when I needed one,” the Ultimate Man says wistfully. “Well, off again I go to kick ass and be happy. Til next time, the power is yours!”

You stare in awe as the clouds part again, with a fresh lemony scent – and also maybe lightning because that’s cool, too – and the Ultimate Man departs into parts and panties unknown. “Did he just quote Captain Planet?” you ask.

Shut up. No. Whatever.

Anyway, do you see what I mean when I say that really, there are no rules, and that Table Theory is just one method among many to reaching a state of being your own master? And that, when you are your own master, you will never have questions about women again – only your own actions and observations?

“I guess so,” you say.

Good. The point of all this isn’t to make you dependent on any one doctrine or mode of thought. It’s to make you realize that you’re capable of sound judgment, and of accepting any woman’s response to your being and doing.

To use myself as a non-Ultimate Man example, after a while, I no longer needed to ask my mentors endless questions about what I need to do in this situation or in that one. Sure, I pick their brains now and then – but I, like they, realize that ultimately, I alone am the Captain of the KAB (Kick-Ass Boat) Vichet. My choices are my own. I make my own decisions, with my own reasoning, and my own goals in mind, and I do it in such a way that I am always play to my better nature, and addressing my weaknesses head-on. When I fail, I fail smartly, and take note for what pitfalls I can avoid next time, and I don’t let failure jade me.

Remember how I said nothing is less attractive than a bitter misogynist? Yeah.

No more short cuts, no more excuses, no more social crutches so that I don’t have to deal with my problems. Just me, my actions, and this big question that is life.

That’s what Ultimate Vichet would do.

And that’s the 3rd and final step of the Dating Doctrine series.

Now, what would your Ultimate version do?

“I think I know,” you say.

So, go out there and get it!

Dating Doctrine – Step 1 – Becoming Attractive

I’ve touched on a groundwork for this article in my post on not being creepy. Let’s say you’ve taken that advice, along with my advice about having life goals and being a generally cool dude.

This means you’ve finally woken up and starting focusing on your own life. You’ve got interesting things going on, you’re happy enough on your own, and you’ve got the wisdom and drive to keep moving higher and higher.

Well, congratulations, because now you’re ready to “score with the ladies!”**

**Disclaimer: Any phrase that begins with “score” and ends with “with the ladies,” when spoken, will ultimately result in not scoring with the ladies. This tip is brought to you by the tireless human trials of Vichet Ou.

But wait! Of course you’re ready. At least, ready in terms of where you are in life.  Problem is, you might still be completely clueless about what to do and how to be when Ms. Awesome is standing in front of you.

I mean, how does one become attractive to the ladies in ways that are immediately apparent? It’s not like she’s asking you right away what your life goals are, or who you are deep down inside (ha!). Actually, asking any of that right away would be kind of creepy. The only thing creepier than that is some guy who, without being asked, volunteers such personal information, under the false assumption that doing this with a stranger will make him look (ahem) interesting  or attractive in some way.

Lucky for you, your boy Vichet has a short list of practical (for once) skills and attributes that most women (that Vichet knows) find attractive:

  1. Be fit.
  2. Be well groomed/styled. Whatever style you have there is a way to do it that makes you not look like an idiot. If looking like an idiot is your style, welcome to Not Getting Laid – Population: you.
  3. Be confident – that means being okay with yourself, and okay with other people having opinions about you.
  4. Speak clearly, directly, and concisely. No passive-aggressive pussy-footing. Don’t utter every useless thought that comes to your head – unless that thought is hilarious. Then you can utter 1 out of every 5 of those thoughts. As you can tell, I have problems adhering to this one.
  5. Have a circle of really fun, equally driven and interesting male friends.
  6. Have some good looking female friends that you’re not attracted to (who also aren’t attracted to you), who are also fun.
  7. Make your time valuable by being busy with what you love.
  8. Have your own place.
  9. Know how to cook.
  10. Be competent at some sort of hobby, be it music, dancing, sports, etc.

There may be one or two more things that can be added to the list. Or even ten. This is not comprehensive.

1-6 are things that are immediately apparent upon first talking to you in a social setting, be it a bar, a party, a soap-box derby or good old fashioned gladiatorial death match (“Terminus est!”).

7-10 are things that can become quickly apparent as a woman gets to know you, be it on a “first date” (we’ve talked about that), a first bang (woohoo!) or a first breakfast (did she not notice the cab money on the dresser?).

However, every item in this list is battle-tested by yours truly, and many other cool guys that I know. These are things that continually get a guy’s foot in the door, and eventually some other things, too (Keurig tm coffee maker in the door? Ottoman in the door? Special Edition Blu-Ray of Predator in the door?).

Even better, every single item in this list is something that you can work on and get better at!

So how do we achieve these pillars of male attractiveness?

1) Be Fit

First, let me talk about what being fit does NOT mean.

Being fit doesn’t mean being a 2 pound set of sinew and bones.

On the other extreme, being fit doesn’t mean being a 2000 pound, muscle-bound, roid-rage gorilla with a tree trunk for a neck.

It just means having a practical level of physical competence that will allow you to do pretty much anything you’d need to in life, aside from highly competitive sports. Those naturally require a higher level of fitness.

There are lots of ways to do achieve various levels of fitness (Google “male fitness guide“), but it all comes down to you. Only your commitment to being fit really makes any difference. I’ve seen dozens of my own acquaintances give up on this over the course of their lives, not because they were incapable (maybe one or two of them had a gland problem), but because they didn’t make it a priority. No big, their choice. BUT, if you want to play the game, you have to pay the price.

“But Vichet, I see big guys with hot women all the time!”

Exceptions, my friend. Not rules. They might be super successful in ways that you don’t know. Also, I bet they would have had an easier time introducing themselves if they weren’t gigantic.

All I’m saying is this – if you want to be attractive overall to the largest set of women out there (not necessarily “set of largest women”), you will need to be fit.

I mean, I hate that I even suggested just now that you should use women as motivation here, because come on, people! It’s YOUR health we’re talking about. Make a commitment to yourself to be healthy and make good choices. Make it a lifestyle. This isn’t a 4 week bootcamp, it’s not a fad diet. Make being healthy and fit your lifestyle. Eat right (see a nutritionist, or at least do research) and exercise.

If you’ve never done any sports or physical activity ever, here’s an arbitrary list of fitness goals that you can consider as the bare MINIMUM SURVIVAL SKILLS you need to have to be alive – also, just in case the zombie apocalypse (zompocalypse) comes:

  • 30 consecutive crunches
  • 30 consecutive calf-raises
  • 20 consecutive push-ups
  • 20 consecutive squats
  • 5 consecutive pull-ups
  • Be able to jog 1 mile in under 10 minutes

Those numbers up there aren’t even that large. I’m going easy on you. You are capable of MUCH MORE over time. If you think you aren’t capable, statistics and thousands of years of human history would prove you wrong.

In fact, most personal trainers would probably tell you that you need to be able to do 2 or 3 sets of those numbers to consider yourself “fit enough” to handle most situations without bustin’ your ass.

And all I’m asking is that you be “fit enough” to deal with physical emergency, without someone stronger and more physically competent having to swoop in and lift your useless carcass out of danger.

And that’s why I always suggest calisthenics as a starting point. These are exercises where the only source of resistance is your own body weight. Calisthenics make sense in terms of practicality because, hey, you have a body, and should be proficient at moving it around in various ways under various circumstances if you need to. Not only that, but your body is MADE to be able to do these things. I mean, if you’re running from a pack of wild dogs and need to climb a tree, you better be able to do a goddamned pullup – shit, be able to do 5 just to be sure you’d be able to pull it off under pressure!

The only reason I’m putting so much effort into making this look like an unprecedented priority in your life is because so many people fight me on the merits of being physically capable. Shit, I used to think that way, too!

“I don’t need to be able to do 20 pushups.”

Really? Is this how little we expect of ourselves? It’s not about whether you NEED to. You don’t need women either, but you still whine about not having one. So make a goddamn positive decision in your life, get off your ass, and get fit!

I’ll assume that after reading the last few paragraphs that you’ve seen the light, and you’re ready to take your first steps. But, you’ve never done these exercises growing up, so on your first try, you will not get anywhere near those numbers I just posted.

It’s okay, though. If you can only do 10 push-ups before your arms start to hurt, push yourself to do 12. Then, when you get used to 12, do 14. And so on, and so on. If you find yourself having a lot of trouble, go see a trainer.

Ask anyone (ESPECIALLY athletes) how they get to where they are, and they will tell you it’s a series of small steps over a long period of time. They all started where you are, and maybe had a little more innate physical understanding or ability. But the majority of their skill comes from practice, not innate talent.

I mean, do you think athletes are just born being able to dunk a basketball, or run a 6 minute mile? They’re not, and if you think that, wake up. They’d be insulted to hear that from you, after working so hard for so long to do what they do.

No, those people committed to pushing themselves a little farther every day for as long as it took to get where they wanted to be.

I guarantee you that if you commit to solving your fitness problems, and seek help when you reach obstacles, you will at least get to a level of competence (I’m saying competence… you don’t have to get to Olympic level) with your own body – we’re built with the potential to do this. Anyone who says differently either got the shitty end of the deal in the genetic lottery (and I can’t even express how sorry I feel for them), or is a useless nay-saying sack of shit who is reinforcing the belief that you can’t achieve physical competence.

2) Dress well

Everyone has a different way of dressing. I want to highlight that before I write anything about this, go re-read what I just wrote up there about being fit.

Because honestly, clothing is just decoration.

I know you’ve told this story as a guy before:

“Man, this whale was walking down the street, and she was a mess! Her pants were easily three sizes too small, and she had some kind of mutant muffin-top going on.”

Well, okay, Dolph Lundgren. Are you fit? Are you dressing sharp? Because more likely, you’re the male version of what you’ve so condescendingly described.

The statistics don’t look good in America. Lots of obesity. That’s a major problem for you if you’re a guy – once again it’s a HEALTH problem, not an issue that keeps you from getting ladies. Get your priorities right.

Assuming you’ve committed to the fitness thing and are maintaining what you feel is an optimal level of fitness, how do you dress well?

Let me start by saying what works for me.

Clothes:

  • Pressed button-downs, mostly solid colors, but some with pinstripes or patterns.
  • If I’m feeling casual/douchey, nerdy t-shirts with words on them.
  • Side vent blazers – I love these. I have them tailored to fit like a blazer should.
  • Minimal jewelry. One or two accessories. Three if I’m feeling like a douche (ring, bracelet and chaaaaain, whaaaaaat?).
  • Nice jeans and khakis. Khakis must be pressed. I wear everything on the slimmer side, and straight leg or boot cut.
  • 5 pairs of shoes (it’s practical, trust me) – snow boots, walking shoes, athletic shoes, brown dress shoes, black dress shoes
    • On another note – DO NOT WEAR ATHLETIC SHOES OUT. Unless you want a woman to think you’re 14.
    • “But Vichet, that’s my STYLE!” – yep… and it won’t get you laid.

Grooming (way more important):

  • Smell – cologne only when I’m going to a function or on a “date.” I wear Nautica and Hugo Boss. Otherwise, soap and water is good enough for me.
  • Clean shave – I can’t grow a good beard, so I have to keep things stubble free. If you do want to keep facial hair, don’t let looking casually scruffy turn into looking busted and dirty.
  • Hair – since I try to have all my clothes very coordinated, I usually just run my hands through my hair with a little gel. It’s short enough that the messy look works
  • Teeth – I can’t stress this enough. Brush twice a day. Floss if you need to. Carry gum with you. Seriously.
  • Nails – Because I’m weird, this is an even bigger issue for me than teeth (which I brush at least twice a day). Cut that shit! If it’s long enough to get crusty shit stuck under it, it’s long enough to give her an infection from finger-banging, you inconsiderate ass.
  • Skin – if you have ashy elbows, use some lotion so you’re not cracking off flakes everywhere you go. F*ck the improvement to your look, that’s just being considerate.

Ladies, if you know me, feel free to chime in about what you think works and doesn’t work about my style.

Like I said, the above is just what works for me. I’ve never heard a woman say that I do my particular style poorly – even if she doesn’t agree with my sense of style, she’ll concede that I do my particular style justice.

So, find your personal sense of style and hone it to a razor edge. If you’re not sure what that is yet, look around at other people who you think dress well, and find the pattern in what you like.

Also – don’t let yourself get pigeonholed into one look for years and years. I was a jeans and t-shirt kinda kid for until I was about 22. As you grow up and become more self-actualized, your style will evolve to reflect those changes. Let it happen naturally.

Ultimately, your sense of style is about expressing your confidence in being yourself. It’s not about putting on a costume to try to impress people. Unless your name is Bruce Wayne and that costume’s name is Batman.

One last thing – I have to be a traditionalist and say that as a man, you MUST own one quality, tailored suit ensemble. Two, if you can afford it (one black and one grey will get you through anything).

3) Be confident

We’ve already touched on this in my last article about “first dates.” I used Sean Connery as James Bond as an example of what it means to be confident versus acting confident.

As it applies to women, confidence is that sense of satisfaction, fun, and raw social energy that you have in your life that makes a woman feel curious about what you’ve got going on that makes you walk around the badass way that you do.

This is why it’s so important to be working on something that you love.

Practical advice – what you love doesn’t have to be your job. Not any single aspect of your life need define your entire existence. What do I do for a living? I fix and administrate computers. I wouldn’t say that’s who I am. The job is cool – it pays well, and offers great benefits and opportunities. But what I love the most about it is that it finances my dreams. I’m a writer. I’m a dancer. I get money for those things by working 9-5 in a job that’s not bad at all.

And so, the satisfaction I get from doing the things I love bleeds out into the rest of my life.

I’m confident, period. My confidence doesn’t depend on what women or anyone else think of me, because I’m the one earning my own happiness.

This kind of confidence allows you to do a lot of things that unhappy guys can’t.

With true confidence, you can:

  • … start a conversation with anyone you want to, under almost any circumstance (and have things to say, to boot!).
  • … start out at a baseline of happiness, so that your mood doesn’t sour if a girl’s not into you.
  • … be direct – ask for numbers, give compliments, keep eye contact.
  • … stop asking so many questions about how to approach a girl and just goddamn do it, because you realize it’s NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
  • … seriously just go talk to her, and be okay with whatever outcome occurs.

There’s a Zen-like effect that happens here – when you remove yourself from caring about whether women will like you, more of them tend to like you!

The only tool you can use to achieve this independence from women is confidence, and the path to confidence is competence – mastery of your own life.

4) Speak clearly, directly, and concisely

This one is tied into confidence a lot, but is active rather than passive (something you do, rather than something you are).

A lot of guys feel the need to step around the real point of their conversation. It’s called circumlocution, and it never got anyone laid.

They do this so much, that 50 percent of most sentences will mean dick shit. They might even start talking about things they don’t find interesting in there, just to top off the lameness.

Now, I understand. You don’t want to be too forward. You don’t want too be obnoxious, or offensive. I’m not telling you to be curt, or impolite. “Damn baby, those are some fine titties. What color your nipples?” is not socially acceptable unless it’s coming from me.

But, at the same time, you don’t need to feel like you’re always padding your conversation because you’re afraid to talk about what you actually want to talk about. There’s a big gray area between idiotic extremes where life and happiness happen. Find it.

Example of you circumlocuting: “I was wondering if maybe you might want to grab a coffee or something, sometime.”

All those things in bold were things you didn’t need to say. Things that, by saying them, showed the woman that you’re nervous. To her, you’re way too anxious about what her response might be, so you’re trying to pad the question by making it sound less direct and more ambiguous. Like you’re making adjustments on the fly, as if you’re landing a burning plane. And she knows instinctively that it’s the stupid part of your brain trying to trick her into a coffee date by making it sound as little like a date as possible.

And then you’re confused later when she thought you were going out as “just friends.” Or when she said “no,” because your shit was weak.

Part of it was because you were pussy-footing.

Try saying this instead: “Let’s get coffee.”

If it’s me, I might even add an “I like you” to the beginning just to be clear.

You might be thinking I was coming on strong. You might be a pussy.

“But Vichet, you can’t lay all your cards on the table!”

Bitch, I wasn’t telling her my life story, I just said “I like you, let’s get coffee.” It’s not like I was lowering my head to kiss her ass, or buying her Cristal. It was just throwing up a signal.

And honestly, assuming she has a reason to say yes (meaning she’s interested enough in you to say yes), what well-adjusted woman will be offended by the statement “I like you, let’s get coffee”? That’s ridiculous, and if she finds my frankness offensive (I didn’t exactly say “I wanna be on you,” though Ron Burgundy’s lines are hilarious), I find her to be a little bit high-strung and stuffy, neither of which makes for a fun time.

Finally, guys, you don’t need to vocalize every thought you came across. Don’t start conversations off like this:

“So I was sitting at home thinking, ‘man I wonder what I’m gonna do tonight.’ So I called my boy Justin and we were talking about different plans…”

Does that story have a point? No? Then, why are you telling it? Catharsis?

Don’t get me wrong, that’s a conversation you can have with close friends. But for someone you’re getting to know? Geez. You don’t have to be talking ALL the time. If anything, you should be asking HER questions, getting to know HER. Women LOVE to talk (don’t even try to play like you don’t, ladies) about their goings on.

They don’t like it when men do that. Take note.

5) Have a circle of really fun, equally driven and interesting male friends.

“But Vichet, you told me all of the things in your list were things I can work on!”

Yes, I did.

“I can’t change my friends!”

No, you can’t change the friends you have now. If they’re not too outgoing and tend to stay in a lot, nothing wrong with that if that’s what they wanna do.

I’m not telling you to stop being their friend either. If they’re not destructive forces in your life, there’s no reason to cut them out.

However, consider that you can find a group of drinking buddies that like having a good time over a few beers, cocktails, glasses of wine, and public nudity citations.

“Where do I find them?”

I dunno. Try a new activity. Go take a judo class, attend an art history lecture, or take a beer-tasting course or something. Is there something you’ve wanted to try for a long time? Try it! And talk to the people who are doing it because you probably have something in common. Befriend some guy there. Get a drink with him, see if he’s fun. See if he helps you socialize at the level you like to socialize.

My rule of thumb is that I can’t go out with people who are WAY more loud than I am, just as much as I can’t go out with people who are WAY shyer than I am.

I go out with people who are at my level. We talk to girls, we talk to each other, we just focus on having a good time.

You should go out with a group of guys who are in sync with your level of energy, and who maintain or raise that level of energy as a group.

It sounds new-age hippy-ish, but it works. You’d be surprised how much more fun something as simple as catching up over beers is when everyone wants to be there just as much as you do.

Plus, when you’re in company of a bunch of guys who both a) love you and b) help you keep that balance between delusions of grandeur and selling yourself short, rejection from women is much easier to take. They’ve been there, too, and they’ll be ready to help you get right back out there.

6) Have some good looking female friends that you’re not attracted to (who also aren’t attracted to you), who are also fun.

This one is tough for weaker guys who have little going on in their lives, because they often have oneitis for this particular female friend. She’s good looking, she’s fun, and she’s not interested in him. She’s willing to be his friend – but even if he were awesome, she might just not be attracted to him. It’s not like in Hollywood where two people eventually “realize they love each other.” If the attraction’s not there in the beginning it very likely will not appear later unless the guy disappears for a while to become awesome.

However, if you’re a guy who can handle having attractive, fun female friends who are not attracted to you, and you are not so desperate that you are trying to bang them every chance you get, then I have good news for you!

Fun, attractive female friends are the ULTIMATE wingmen.

You heard me.

I mean, look at it from a woman’s perspective: she sees a guy who is fit and well groomed, walking in with a bunch of guys who look like they’re having fun, flanked by three or four attractive women.

Not just ANY attractive women.

I’m talking “I’ve-already-started-comparing-myself-to-these-women” type attractive women.

I mean, that’s the effect attractive people have on other people. The “comparison effect.”

This is not a mental trick. This is not manipulating women. If you were fun and cool enough (and NOT creepy and trying to bang a woman who’s not interested) to have these attractive female friends in the first place, then that becomes a VERY good highlight on your social resume when you enter any establishment.

All it is is showing some strangers that you’re not a creeper.

7) Make your time valuable by being busy with what you love.

At this point, we’re getting into “you’re already seeing a girl” territory. She saw you, you were fit, well-groomed, well-spoken, confident, and had cool friends. You guys have been spending some time together. She likes you, you like her. Good times!

And even better, she’s even called you about spending time together.

And you’re thinking “I should drop all of my things to get coffee/have lunch/get a drink with her every day.”

No.

No, no, no.

Nooooooo.

She’s not your wife yet, holmes. She’s not even your girlfriend yet. And in either of those cases, each person in the relationship should still have his or her own life.

Also, the reason she liked you in the first place was because you had things going on. And of course she wants to see you, and of course you want to see her, but it’s not a race. All in due time.

Honestly, for the first month or so, once to twice a week is fine. Get used to that idea. I would be worried about you (and your bank account) if you had time to be going out 4 days a week.

Also, seeing each other less means you’ll appreciate the time more. You’ll put more effort into finding things to do.

Cause if you get into a routine of seeing each other too often before a level of social effort is established, it can sort of morph into this weird “let’s sit at home and watch TV” kind of pattern. Don’t get me wrong, doing that once in a while is cool. Sometimes it’s nice to just recharge your batteries with your lady. But if that becomes the majority of the time you spend together, and starts eating into the things that she liked about you in the first place… well, then you’re chipping away at your own independence. And then you got problems.

8) Have your own place

If you don’t know why this would be a big plus, I’m not sure I can explain anything else to you.

I’ll even say that it’s okay to have responsible roommates, as long as you have your own place.

But, regardless of what reason you might have for doing this, living with your parents is the anti-poon.

You might be coming from an Asian background and think “but it’s normal for families to stay in the same house.”

That’s true.

But, you know, in most Asian cultures, the order of the day used to be arranged marriage, and this thing called dating never happened.

So if you have a dating life, gentlemen, have your own place.

On the other side of the same coin, be VERY hesitant to date any woman who DOESN’T also have her own place.

As for how having your own place can make you more attractive, the way you maintain it will give her questions to ask about you. Who are the people in those photos? How long have you been living there? Where else have you lived? What are all those things hanging up? Having a woman be curious about you is never a bad thing… unless you’re bringing her to your house and she’s wondering why the hell you’re still living with your parents.

9) Know how to cook

You don’t have to be an iron chef.

Shoot, you don’t even need to know how to make anything complicated. Be able to set an egg well, place it on some well-buttered toast and you’ll be the King of Breakfast.

But, in my traditionalist belief, every man should know how to make 3 or 4 dishes, and make them well.

Reasons:

  • It’s economical
  • It’s a life survival skill
  • It’s a good way to both enjoy a process and its end result, giving you a Zen intuition for short term and long term satisfaction
  • Women appreciate it

It’s not that hard. My rule is any time I try to cook a new dish, I try making it twice for myself, seeing if it’s good enough, then serve it to other people.

Not only do you get competent at cooking, you gain a new conversation topic, and more people will want to hang around you because you make some kickass grub.

Foods that people love me for:

  • Guacamole
  • Stir fried rice noodles
  • Home-made burgers
  • Black bean soup

It only takes an hour or so per week to start getting good at cooking, and most of the learning is done by doing it. There are classes you can take, too – just look them up online. Or, you can be like me and just volunteer to help other people around the kitchen when they’re cooking, as well as reading and following recipes, Youtube videos, and good ‘ole experimentation.

If you don’t know how much staying power you get by being able to cook, you need to try it.

10) Be competent at some sort of hobby, be it music, dancing, sports, etc

Once again, forget about why this makes you attractive to women for a second. Just realize that, when you think about what life’s about, why WOULDN’T you go out and gain competency at something you like doing?

Is it against the rules somewhere?

It only makes you a better, more interesting person. And, unless it’s extremely expensive, is worth whatever time you put into it.

Everyone has a hobby that they either gave up, or always wanted to try.

Well, a lot of those same people gave up their hobbies before they became really competent, and a lot of the people who have always wanted to try something are afraid they won’t be any good at it.

This is the heart of the problem – we’re always finding reasons not to do the things we enjoy. Why is that?

I mean, is it too much to ask that you take a f*ckin’ risk once in a while? To put your pride down for a minute so you can get something done that you would actually be proud of? To realize that it doesn’t matter whether you fail right away or not because at heart, it’s what you want to do?

Come on, people. Others have figured it out, so can you.

If you always wanted to dance but say you have two left feet, fix it. Try twice a week for half a year, and if you still have two left feet, try another three months. THEN maybe you should try another hobby.

But to try something that you’ve been thinking about for months, only do it for a week, decide you’re not cut out for it and then puss out… that’s just weak.

Push yourself farther than you think you can go for once. It IS something you’ve wanted to try, right? Or something you’ve loved before? Don’t quit until you decide you’re GOOD enough at it to move on.

That’s how life skills are built. And, when you happen to be skilled at something, the ladies will find it attractive.

In conclusion…

That’s pretty much it. There are lots of things out there that you can do to help you attract women.

But, assuming the activity/attribute is attractive to women, you should also ask yourself the following:

  1. Does this activity make me happier and more functional regardless of women?
  2. Is this activity something that can be improved over time with concentrated effort?
  3. Is it something I can afford to spend at least 5 hours per week doing?

If it’s yes on all accounts, you have no reason not to do it.

Once again, my list is just stuff that’s worked for me. If these are all things you can do (spoiler: you can), I just did you a huge favor by showing you how to raise the quality of your life AND make you more attractive to the ladies.

You can thank me later, guys. With prostitutes.

Dating Doctrine – Step 0 – Having and reaching life goals

What’s up, dude?

“Hey Vichet. Wait… what are you doing in my room?”

Just hangin’ out. Don’t pay me no mind. I do want you to do something, though.

“Okay… you’re not gonna ask me to bend over, are you?”

Of course not. Take a look in the mirror.

“Alright…”

Do you like what you see?

“Yeah, I guess? I’m pretty cool with myself.”

Good. That’s step one. Now look deeper. Are there any things you’d like to improve?

“Well, yeah, of course. But I don’t know if I can do anything about it.”

Why not?

“Well, I dunno. It just seems like ______, _______, _______ and all that is holding me back. And I don’t know if I can.”

Have you tried?

“Uh… kind of. Maybe? I dunno.”

Hmm… you’re starting to sound less satisfied with yourself.

“Well, yeah, now that you bring it up, asshole.”

Okay, sorry. Been kinda rough on you these last few weeks. Let’s do one more thing – assuming you are capable of making the changes you want to make in your life, what would you need to DO and how would you do it?

“Oh, well, Vichet, now that you ask that way, it’s a lot easier. Assuming it’s in my genetics to get fit, I would go to the gym and work out more, and eat right. Assuming I’m capable of getting a promotion at work, I would work harder and prove to my boss that I’m capable of taking on the responsibilities in the new position. Assuming I have the time, I would take up my old hobbies that I gave up because I come home from work drained and just feel like watching TV. I’d do lots of things, assuming I was capable.”

Really? Well… what if I told you you’re capable of most if not all of those things, and that almost any goal where you’re the primary driver (as in it doesn’t hugely depend on other people’s actions) is achievable?

“I’m calling bullshit. I’m not Superman – how the hell would you know what I’m capable of?”

Because all of the people who are better than you were in your position once, wondering if they would be able to the things they wanted to do. They’ve all done “impossible” things because they decided they would try. And if they failed they would try again. They took their goals and ran with them, seeing how far they could go. Only if they’ve failed utterly and miserably more times than they could count on two hands have they reconsidered the nature of their goal, or whether they were capable.

Sure, they’re all talented in some way. But every single one of them could point to someone else they knew who was better at it, but not as determined to succeed.

Because honestly, we’re all pretty comfortable surviving in mediocrity. I mean, you really are living a blessed life if you are healthy, surviving with enough food to eat, a shelter over your head, and people who care about you. I don’t mean that sarcastically because my family was in Cambodia while THIS was happening. If you have internet access and are reading this, be aware that people in other parts of the world don’t have those things I listed up there, and THEY’RE the ones who have real excuses when you ask them what they’ve done to achieve their dreams.

Side by side, your excuses will look… disingenuous. First world problems much?

Case in point – some guys come to me, dissatisfied with their love lives. I tell them what to do. They tell me it makes sense. They come up with a list, like this:

  • Get back in shape.
  • Get back into my sport hobby/music hobby/art hobby.
  • Meet new people.
  • Get that promotion.

And then I watch. Some make the changes – they get happier. They make more changes. They keep pushing the limit of what they can do, and stop asking themselves “whether they’re capable,” because that question is really only necessary if lives are hanging in the balance. Are you a bomb defusal expert – if you’re not, then you really don’t need to ask yourself those self-doubting questions. 90 percent of the population is in an occupation where no one will die because someone didn’t stop to turn into a movie cliche and say to themselves “I don’t know if I can do this.”

Bottom line: most of the internal changes you (yes, YOU) want to make in your life are pretty simple, and will make you a LOT happier.

Inconvenient truth: knowing that, 75 percent of you (yes, YOU) will do nothing, even if the changes are good for you, because you’re cool enough with where you are and don’t want to sweat for it. Can’t hate on you for that, but if you’re this type, stop asking for advice until you’re ready to work.

Caveat: some of you may be clinically depressed or have some other chronic mental health issue. If that’s the case, then you are probably already much more aware of what you need to be doing to cope with your particular situation, and don’t need my advice.

Now ask yourself – is there something you’ve been wanting to do?

You know there is.

You can think of at least 5 things.

Now ask yourself if it’s really a mystery how to achieve these things?

Because some of you have asked about my goals, I’ll lay this little exercise out for myself:

I want to:

  • Be as fit as I can possibly be. This is related to my next goal…
  • … which is to be the best dancer I can be.
  • I want to finish writing my novel.
Those are all simple goals that depend on ME. Here is what I’m doing to achieve them:
  • Fitness – eat right and exercise. This is not complicated. Might be more so if I had depression or a full on disorder. Either way, I’m of sound enough judgment to eat what I need. No fad diets (though balancing all of my meals with what nutrients I need IS important) – just self-discipline. I asked my nutritionist friend what I needed to do. He told me, and I did it. It worked.
  • Dance – I go to at least 3, sometimes as many as 5 hour and a half long dance classes per week, not including the time I spend practicing with my dance partner or rehearsing for shows. When I’m sore and aching, I remind myself that, actually, yes, I am happy when I’m moving.
  • My mentor reminds me of this at least twice a month: you finish your novel by writing it. There’s nothing complicated about this. I already know everything about it that I need to know. I just need to finish writing it. I’m 1/5th of the way through.

So look at what you want to do. Are there reasons that you’re not already on your way to getting them done?

Here are common responses when I challenge my friends to find a way to achieve their goals.

  • I don’t have enough time.
  • I don’t have enough money.
  • I’m not capable.
  • It’s not important enough.

Sometimes the excuse is legit, sometimes it’s… not.

Even less often, sometimes people are smart about it – if they have 10 goals but can only achieve 5, they pick their most important 5. Those people don’t really need to read this advice.

The point is, if you know what obstacles are in your way, and something is important enough to you, you will try to find a way to remove those obstacles.

See, it’s almost never a question of what to do or how to do it. I don’t care what your goal is:

  • Become a singer.
  • Become a rocket scientist.
  • Become a sports star.
  • Become _________

Someone has done it before, or something related to it, and there’s a knowledge base and community pumping these people out.

Some of you will call BS on some of these goals:

“Vichet, I’m not Michael Jordan/Carl Sagan/Frank Sinatra – those guys were just GOOD!”

Yeah. They were good. But that wasn’t common knowledge until after they got famous.

Remember, at some point they weren’t successful yet. At some point, they were probably wondering about whether they could make it.  Michael Jordan was just another kid in North Carolina, who didn’t make his High School basketball team when he first tried out, Carl Sagan was just a curious kid who wanted to know what stars were, and Frank Sinatra was just a greasy nightclub singer getting by.

You think any of them knew how big they were gonna be before they made their big breaks? You think that someone was telling them “you’re destined to be the f*ckin’ man?”

No. More likely there were lots of people telling them that they weren’t sure they were capable.

At best – and don’t get me wrong, this is a HUGE help – a select two or three people were telling them to ignore their doubts for a bit. To stick with it. To see how far they could go, because they hadn’t REALLY reached limit yet. Being discouraged doesn’t mean failure, and someone was probably reminding them of that.

Each of them tried, and tried, and tried. Then they made it. And then – surprise – worked their asses off the remainder of their professional lives to keep up with their own standards for themselves.

It helps to remember that everything in the human experience has pretty much been defined by someone else already having done it. There’s some luck in there, and there’s some timing, and there are a handful of genuine unique experiences that no one has ever encountered before. But by and large, success (not money – success… whatever it is you’d be proud to have done before you die) is hard won, and to think otherwise is insulting to the people who have attacked their goals.

Also, anyone telling you that success isn’t hard work is LYING. If it were easy, EVERYONE would do it. Being mediocre is easy. Success, and maintaining it, makes your life objectively harder.

But it’s not impossible. At least two or three of your goals are doable, unless you’re really living in fantasy land. If you’ve never tried to reach those goals, then you have no idea how empowering it is to know that you can make something for yourself in this world.

Practical advice – get a mentor. Someone who has done what you want to do. Ask them what steps they took.

Then, stop thinking about whether you’re capable, and just try. Reality and results will tell you if you’re capable.

In the experiment of being alive, your hypothesis means nothing. Where is the data? Go out and get it.

You might surprise yourself.

On a final note, what does this all have to do with getting women?

This article is step zero. Don’t you get it by now? This is about being happy. Happiness doesn’t start or end with a woman, and anyone who tells you that is trying to sell you something.

Be happy with yourself. It comes from you. Master yourself, and then I can work with you.