DTE – Part XII – Kino, and Indicators of Interest

What is “kino,” you ask?

It’s how pick-up communities refer to physical touching in a romantic/sexual context. A handshake, a hug, an arm around the waist, a playful punch. You know, cootie central type stuff.

Beyond that, kino is key to establishing and developing physical comfort between two people. Assuming both parties want to be physically comfortable in the first place, or are at least curious about whether they would be. Hint: if you’re on a date with someone, that person is usually curious about whether you both would be physically comfortable with each other, so make a move, jerk.

Most people follow what’s called a “kino escalation ladder,” which sorts specific instances of physical contact by their generally accepted level of intimacy. Read more of this post

DTE – Part XI – Preselection, Deselection, and “Fairness” in the Dating Game

Every person on this earth has an opinion about you from the first moment they see or hear about you, and it goes from there.

Women included.

This is why we do things like dress nicely (or not), speak nicely (or not), and avoid picking our noses in public (or not).

Let that sink in. Everyone has an opinion about you.

Someone’s opinion of you, right now. He may or may not operate a dating advice website, and be named Vichet.

This is actually an awesome thing, because people’s opinions are very easy to make positive.

Read more of this post

Dating Tropes Explained – Part X – “Being Alpha”

Anyone ever tell you to “be alpha”?

Yeah. If you’ve been reading male dating advice for more than a couple weeks, you’ve surely come across this phrase.

And, when most of us get advice, we do the practical, obvious thing (don’t we?) – we go out and use it.

Thing is, that doesn’t quite work with “being alpha.” Part of it is that “being alpha,” as a doctrine, is very vague and confusing. Here’s what most people (who don’t really understand it) think it means:

  • Alphas act confident.
  • Alphas take charge.
  • Alphas aren’t allowed to talk about feelings, show interest, or do anything that might otherwise seem weak – especially to other Alphas.
  • Alphas don’t take no disrespect
  • Alphas go to the gym and can lift like, 400 lbs!
  • No, no, no, true Alphas don’t care what other people think they look like!
  • You kidding me? Alphas are the most attractive guy in the room, 60 percent of the time, EVERY time!
  • Okay, fine – but you have to agree that Alphas practice THESE particular sports, but not THOSE sports – those aren’t alpha enough!
  • Bullshit! Alphas do what they want, when they want, all the time, without giving a rat’s ass about other people!
  • You’re thinking of sociopaths.
  • ALPHA!

AAAAAAAAAAAALPHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…
… !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See that? That’s a fundamental lack of understanding of what being alpha truly means. If I were to encapsulate the never-ending debate surrounding alpha-ism, most people seem to think that being alpha is a big old circle-jerk of inferiority complexes.

And sadly, based on my vast pool of anecdotal evidence and my own condescending proclivities (hey, you’ve been listening to me insult you directly for 40-some articles, don’t tell me you didn’t know), most people are not far from the truth when they think that about people who are “trying to be alpha.”

But, see, that’s the thing. Looking at someone who is trying (ie failing) at being alpha, and then judging the concept based on that, is like meeting someone who is trying to be a fish and saying that because a man can’t breathe under water, fish suck at life.

But, occasionally, you meet an actual alpha, and you realize you have no idea what the f*ck you’re talking about, because, hey, it’s a normal person. You didn’t realize he was being any particular way because a real alpha is just himself – and who he happens to be is someone who invariably kicks ass at whatever he wants to kick ass at, and doesn’t at whatever he doesn’t. He doesn’t, like, answer to YOU, maaaan.

Let that sink in: Being alpha is all about being the ultimate expression of who YOU are, and is thus whatever the hell you want to make it mean.**

**My job is to make sure you truly know who you want to be. Very rarely is it “prince charming who gets walked all over by everyone in his life because he lacks a spine.”

Haven’t you been reading Dating Doctrine?

“But Vichet,” you protest. “Your site is funny and clever and has really good advice! It CAN’T be about becoming alpha like those douchebags I see at bars who all dress the same and dry hump everything they can get their arms around!”

I’m gonna let you in on a secret: misconceptions like the one you have are why I use terms like the “Ultimate Man” – because such a term doesn’t bring to mind the negative connotations that jaded folks out there have pasted onto seduction advice. In fact, misconceptions like that are why the entire “Dating Tropes Explained” series exists.

Really think about the fact that the way you go about your existence is in your hands, along with the consequences of your actions. If you can be at peace with that, you are on the way to becoming alpha.

No, this is not your license to drop everything and turn back into a whiny bitch.

So, again, look at the Ultimate Man. You think he has any of the following thoughts when he goes out?

  • “I’m not talking to her right now. I should go talk to her. Be alpha!”
  • “I’m not standing cool enough. I need to, like, stand cooler. Be alpha!”
  • “My wang isn’t bulging through my pants enough. I need to readjust. Be alpha!”
  • “Super Secret Forbidden Pick-Up Technique, OCTOBER MAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”
  • “It’s over 9000!”

If you think the Ultimate Man has any of those thoughts, you would be wrong, sir. In fact, the Ultimate Man probably doesn’t have any thoughts about how he should act in the moment at all. He just IS. He acts a certain way, because he IS a certain way.

Chuck Palahniuk already had Tyler Durden (the literary character, not the dating coach, though he probably agrees) say it best: “Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

The Ultimate Man isn’t born – he’s made. He trained himself to be that way. He started out like you or me – with those thoughts, with those doubts, with people telling him to “be alpha.” After many, many, many failures and a lifetime of introspection and shifting mindsets, he has landed on complete freedom from external constructs. He is the Ultimate Man, and doesn’t think about a thing when it comes to how he should express himself. He is the Ultimate Man when he sleeps, when he showers, when he leaves the house, when he’s at work, when he’s talking to a guy, when he’s talking to a girl – in ANY context, he is still the Ultimate Man, because it’s something he has become, not something he thinks about doing.

A tiger doesn’t think about being a tiger. He doesn’t leave his tiger house in the tiger morning for the tiger office job and think “I’m going to be really TIGER today!”

And that’s the difference.

So in conclusion, I want to be very clear when I say this: if you have to think about being “alpha,” then you are not.

Being alpha is an end that becomes a mean. You develop yourself as a person, and internalize those developments, so your attitudes and ways of being are as natural as walking, breathing, or, you know, hadokens.

HADOKEN!

Don’t get me wrong – you don’t become alpha overnight. Your mindset is intertwined with your daily actions and your habits. In order to shift one, you have to shift the other, and vice-versa, little by little, every day.

When you’re shy (assuming you don’t want to be), you need guys like me to make you accountable, giving you that kick in the ass to make moves in spite of your shyness. But a funny thing happens. After a while, you don’t need guys like me anymore for that particular thing. It just becomes natural.

So, things like the techniques and tropes of dating advice are key steps.

Just remember, they’re not the END of your development as a person. When you get to the crossroads with your newfound power, you’ll be thinking “what next?”

That’s when you need to start really listening to yourself, what you want, and who you want to be. And be that every day, in every context, until you want to be something else. THEN, you’d be alpha, in the sense that it should be understood.

Of course, if you’re alpha already, you probably could care less about the title.

Dating Tropes Explained – Part IX – “Relationships Require a Lot of Effort”

You’ve heard this one before:

Relationships require a lot of effort.

A valid concern.

And you know what? It’s true. They do require a lot of effort.

But that doesn’t mean that a good relationship is supposed to be difficult or unrewarding 90 percent of the time!

Why am I mentioning this? Because there’s a problem: a lot of people take the original spirit of this phrase and pervert it into a cop-out.

Picture any of the following scenarios. Some of them might even stack on top of each other:

  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who is an alcoholic that throws up in the bed, and forgets what day it is at least twice a week.
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who can’t take care of herself and makes her problems into your problems
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who picks fights and always makes you out to be a bad guy
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who hits you
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who belittles you, both in private and in public
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who has cheated on you

Have you seen, heard of, or worse, been in one of those situations?

Yes?

Did the phrase “relationships require a lot of effort” come up at some point, too?

Yes?

Oh boy… are you starting to see the problem I was referring to?

I bet you’ve said something like this before, too, one of the thousands of times you’ve complained about your situation while you were in it:

Well, I know she’s not perfectwhen times are good, she really IS sweet to me. I mean, it’s all about compromise, right? If I want things my way all the time, that’d be selfish.

She’ll calm down someday.

Right.

Shit, I’ve done that myself a few times. All while knowing deep down that the girl wasn’t gonna change, at least not for the relationship’s sake – she had a perfectly good sucker (me) to take the load of her terrible personality off her shoulders!

But, okay, I’ll bite – she’s not perfect. You’ve got a good point there. No one’s perfect. We shouldn’t expect a girl to be perfect, because then WE become the abusers.

But, see there are degrees of “not perfect.”

I know this great guy. Let’s call him Jake. Jake is a stand-up fella. He does charity work, has his own things going on in life, and is nice to everyone he meets.

Jake is really shy, though. A lot of times, he won’t talk to a girl he likes, just because. “He’s not perfect.”

Your triflin’ ass woman? Yeah, she’s not perfect. But in the way that a rotten bag of meat isn’t perfect. Meaning she’s a shitty person.

“No one is perfect” is not a license for anyone to be a full-on dickweed, holmes!

Also, what “good times” were you referring to, up there? The 24 hours between beatings?

Has it occurred to you that there are people out there without massively abusive/reckless personalities?

And that THOSE people are calm TODAY, and are calm almost EVERY day? That they won’t need to get their shit together “someday” because they’ve already got it handled now?

Jesus Leper-Loving Christ…

But you know what? I’m gonna turn this situation around. Your significant(-ly broken on an irreparable level) other is not the real dick here.

You are.

Yep, you.

Wanna know why?

Because you can do better, but you actively convince yourself not to.

That other person might have some mental health issue, or something like that. And sure, they can do better, too. But they might have it harder than you.

Either way, their situation is irrelevant, because you can just leave. Why haven’t you?

You don’t owe her anything. I don’t care if she saved you from a burning building. Shit, she probably did that because if she didn’t she’d have to find someone new to beat on.

I can’t stress this enough, guys – if she’s abusive, you LEAVE. Find out where your balls went, go get ’em, and leave.

Remember my article on mutual independence, where I say that you have to be completely independent of your woman so that you can recognize unacceptable behaviors for what they are? How about my article on having life goals, and achieving happiness fulfillment with your own two hands, independent of women – so that way, you stop looking for validation in other, theoretically shitty and abusive people?

Yeah. Read those again.

And anytime you’re in a relationship and you’re thinking “relationships require a lot of effort,” think real hard about why you even had to reassure yourself of that.

Instead, maybe you should use my expanded corollary to this cliche:

  1. Good relationships require a lot of effort from both parties, and are rewarding, making the effort unnoticeable and easy over time.
  2. Bad relationships just plain require YOUR effort, and in return just give you emotional problems.

And if you find yourself in one of those bad relationships, leave. No discussion, no negotiation – just LEAVE.

Stay healthy, fellas, both mentally and physically!

Dating Tropes Explained – Part VIII – “High Maintenance” Women, featuring Carl Brutananadilewski

Remember how I mentioned that Carl Brutananadilewski should totally give dating advice? Yeah, well, now I can’t get his voice out of my head. It’s pretty awesome.

For anyone who doesn’t know, watch this first, and then imagine the same hairy, belligerent Polish-American telling you how to handle yourself around women:

Yeah, so, for the introduction of this article, I’m going to pretend Carl’s narrating it. You don’t have to, but it might be extra funny that way.

Everybody knows that broads what don’t speak English can’t say no, you know what I’m sayin’? Haha, yeah!

So you’re dating this hot lady, easily a 6 outta 10, maybe a 7 when she wears that see-through dress you like and forgets the panties, know what I mean? Haha, yeaaaaah!

Anyways, you go down to the Red Lobster and you order somethin’ real nice for her like the linguini with the little seafood things on top that cost, what, fifteen big ones, and now she’s sayin’ “Carl, you know I’m allergic to seafood!”

Come on, now. We know what’s goin’ on here. You just put in your time and fifteen whole dollars to get this woman a feast of succulent things and pasta and maybe some of that fancy olive oil, and now she’s sayin’ she can’t eat it what ’cause she’s gonna die.

I mean, talk about high maintenance women, am I right? Yeah!

I mean, who needs ’em? Not the Garden State Stud – no way. The only high maintenance woman in my life is 2 Wycked, and she let’s me ride her all day long and don’t talk my ear off about her periods and feelings neither.

This here is the greatest and best thing any woman has ever seen, until she sees my pastrami and meatballs. And by that I mean my penis and testicles. Am I right? Yeaaah!

Avoid the high maintenance ladies, know what I mean?

Alright, so that was an experiment. But, Carl brings up an oft-invoked trope in the dating scene: the high maintenance woman.

But what does it mean, to be high maintenance, exactly?

Some will say it’s a girl who has expensive tastes – not necessarily a gold digger, but a girl who, if you’re going to get her a gift, will only really appreciate something in the expensive range.

Some will say it’s a girl who gets you involved in her fights. An example being making you take sides on arguments she’s having with your friends. This is just plain unacceptable in my view, but hey, some people have different opinions on it. I’ll bite.

Some will say it’s a girl who takes a long time to get ready to do anything, and needs lots of things to get by every day. I mean, we all need things to get by every day, but this kind of girl turns it into a ritual with no margin for error. If anything’s missing from that make-up/coffee/right shoes/right hair, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera routine, then you will damn sure hear about it, and she will be pissed.

I mean, there’s a million definitions out there. Go ahead, Google “High Maintenance Women.” If you’re lazy, I have links here, here, here, and here.

And, to a point, I’d agree that all of these things tend to indicate that a woman is high maintenance.

In its most general definition, I would say that a woman who is high maintenance defines herself by doing the following:

  1. Thinks that McDonald’s and a quickie in the bathroom is not a romantic date. I mean, what the hell? That’s romantic as shit. I seen it in a movie. Or a porno. Hey, pornos are movies. Don’t judge me.
  2. Regularly turns at least 30 percent of her problems into her man’s problems.

So, looking back, having written that list, I would say that really, only the second one is critical. Although bumping tires in a McDonald’s bathroom may or may not still be on my bucket list. Ahem. Ladies, step right up.

Let’s go back to those examples up there.

A woman with expensive tastes – I would assume that if she has the money, she would just get a lot of these things herself. But, why do that when she has a boatload of entitlement and can get a guy to do it? That’s high maintenance of the gold-digging variety.

Or how about the one who picks fights and makes you take sides? I mean, it’s already bad enough to pick fights, but all the sudden she can just enact the draft and you have to get to the front lines? Shucks.

Then we have the innocuous “takes a long time to get ready and needs lots of things” girl. This is the most forgivable of the three examples I gave, but can still be a liability. I understand women need some time to get ready. But it can start to get ridiculous if suddenly that means you have to be late everywhere. Even worse if she just has a bad attitude if one of those things is missing. Ever hear a girl say “I can’t go out looking like this” when she’s already dolled up and really just can’t decide on earrings? Yeah.

“But Vichet,” you say. “Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? I mean, you said we should only forgive 30 percent of a woman’s problems when she shoves them onto us. Isn’t this all about giving?”

Yes. Yes it is. Relationships are about giving. And not only that, but some women who don’t mean to be high maintenance can come off that way if you never discuss this with them – especially later on in the relationship. If you’ve been in a relationship with a girl who was low maintenance, and slowly started becoming high maintenance, talk to her. That’s called maintaining your Table legs (mutual independence and her ability to solve problems that don’t require combined effort, in this case).

But, I’m not talking about those women. I’m talking about the ones who, straight off the first date, start giving you shitty things.

That relationship is about failing, not giving.

And, just to reiterate so that the low maintenance ladies of the world don’t lose their minds, there is nothing wrong with receiving and accepting gifts. There is nothing wrong with having lots of shoes. There is nothing wrong with any of that stuff.

Where things get dicey is when you have problems (“I don’t have enough ______.”) and you expect, nay, demand that whatever man or friends in your life solve those problems (“He should get me all the ______ I need.”) and then get pissed if he refuses to give into your bullshit.

If you’re that kind of woman, I will say this as diplomatically as possible: choke yourself**.

**I do not condone violence on women, or suicide.

As for the “30 percent of her problems” thing, we really don’t need to get into the degrees of “high maintenance” that exist, aside from the fact that every guy has his limit. A smart guy should know what he’s willing to bend for, and what he cannot break for. 30 percent of a person’s problems is a reasonable and magical number where it’s significantly less than half a person’s problems, but still significant enough to recognize as an issue that needs to be addressed. In an ideal relationship, neither party should be bringing that many personal problems to the table.

I mean, do you go dumping your problems onto your woman?

Yes?

Well, stop it, dickweed!

If you don’t do that, though, and you happen to be a patient, forgiving guy (both incredibly useful traits around the RIGHT woman), you will have a tendency to get walked all over by a high maintenance woman dumping more and more problems onto you.

That’s the other thing: high maintenance women instinctively test the limits of your providing. If you put up with 3 problems one day, they will try 4 the next.

I don’t know if it’s because they intend to do this or not, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a sucker’s game, and you shouldn’t play it when you recognize it for what it is.

“But Vichet,” you say. “I’m a patient, forgiving guy. Can’t I just deal with it?”

Do you hear yourself? Did you read what I just said? Don’t you think you can do better?

Sure, the first time she starts loading problems onto you, it might not stress you out. It might not even stress you out after a hundred times. But one day, you’ll get tired of it. Or she’ll decide that you’re not attending to her in a satisfactory manner. And it’ll happen so gradually that you won’t even be sure it’s because of her, or you, or whatever. Not until there’s enough drama and ammo on both sides of the camp – for you, all the things she makes you thanklessly do, and for her, all of those things she thinks you could be handling better – for the war to go nuclear.

And that’s when the Table would break.

In terms of Table Theory, a high maintenance woman is the double-whammy girl who both lacks mutual independence (the ability to solve her own problems) AND continually places more and more weight on the Table than she can clear off. That means that the surplus of drama packages on the Table becomes the man’s responsibility, if he wants to keep the Table from buckling under the weight.

Does that make sense? If problems are appearing on the Table faster than they can be cleared off, the Table will break.

At the crux of the issue, this is why so many guys are able to stay in relationships with high maintenance women for a while – because they can focus their energy on removing those problems from the top of the table. But, even the Ultimate Man a man can only do so much, and all men, nay, all people are terrible multi-taskers. If all of your effort all of the time is spent dealing with her problems, who is looking after the Table legs of proximity, mutual independence, chemistry, and non-conflicting life goals?

Doesn’t matter how patient you are, bro. A high maintenance woman is the bunker buster of patience fallout shelters. She was DESIGNED to break you. The Table is nothing compared to her problem generating might.

I mean, really, you shouldn’t need to be a saint for your relationship to work. And, if you are a saint – and I use the word “deserve” so rarely that it almost doesn’t exist to me – you “deserve” better.

To temper the above statement before you start thinking you’re entitled to things, and thus preventing you from becoming a high maintenance man, I’ll quote Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven:

Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.

Regardless of what you “deserve”, if you let a high maintenance woman into your life, you’ll get just one thing –  a whole mess of problems.

But really, to quote Carl Brutananadilewski: “Linda, I care about you. And I respect you. So where, uh, where am I gonna do ya?”

I don’t need no instructions to know how to ROCK!