The Table Theory Guide for the Cornell University Class of 2017

So, I was reading some stuff about my alma mater and got all nostalgic. Then I went on Reddit thinking I was going to write a short little thing about my own experiences 10 years ago first setting foot on campus. What was supposed to be a 5 minute stream of consciousness deal turned into a 30 minute rendition of what a drunken half-brother of Chuck Palahniuk would say, according to my imagination.

It's like this, but with more snow and tears. Of joy. Ahem.

It’s like this, but with more snow and tears. Of joy. Ahem.

A lot of this will sound obvious. Well, fuck you, because I didn’t know this shit as a 17 year old straight-laced tightwad nerd who was getting his first taste of freedom.

(For reference, I’m now a 27 year old tightwad nerd… though much less straight laced and probably a little drunk).

Read more of this post

Quick Dating Tips – 5 Ways You Can Avoid Sounding Like A Talentless Dickweed

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Yeah. We’ve all had those moments.

There we are, celebrating that royal beat down we gave to the laws of physics when we pulled that totally sweet parkour and rescued the president from ninjas! We’re knocking a few back at the bar, and a gorgeous lady with legs up to her neck walks over.

“Hey fellas,” she says. “What are you all celebrating?”

Then, it happens. “Uhh… hi. Brian. I’m Brian. My friend Vichet, we’re… parkour. President. Saved from ninjas! Number?”

“What?” she asks, put off by your slurring.

Okay, so that never happens exactly like that. One, because you’re likely the kind of guy that women don’t approach off the bat (work on that), and two, because no one actually fumbles over words that much.

Oh, but people, you DO fumble over words. And it makes you look like an asshole. Not in the good way.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but in the information age, it’s really important that you don’t have recordings of you sounding like a retard, because between Facebook and Youtube, that shit will follow you around like herpes.

So, this is more life advice – but, this advice applies any time you’re interacting and talking with ANYONE in ANY CONTEXT. Job interviews, dates, meeting new friends, impressing coworkers, you name it – you will get much farther EVERYWHERE with a silver tongue.

And no one’s born with it. So here it is: 5 Ways You Can Avoid Sounding Like A Talentless Dickweed

Read more of this post

Quick Dating Tips – 5 Date Ideas From 5 Different Hobbies

So, I generalize a lot. Generally speaking.

But, I was having a conversation with a friend just the other night, and as much as inner-game is the universal language of self-development and happiness (it is, that’s not generalizing), sometimes we get too stuck in our own lives and don’t fully use the benefits that good self-development and happiness brings to us when it comes to women. And for good reason – when you have that energy and happy vibe coming along for the ride, it doesn’t really matter how much or how little your specific interests intersect with the girl you’re dating. You just have to vibe – that’s a primal thing, really.

But – and this is me being specific, versus generalizing – that doesn’t mean it can’t help to pay attention to where your interests DO intersect, and capitalize on that in a glorious culmination of fun and sexy time for everyone!

Finally! Lady vagina sex!

Now, here’s where my Dating Doctrine article about becoming attractive comes in – specifically the last step of that article. If you’ve been working on your inner game, the interests and hobbies you’ve got going on in your life have probably expanded quite a bit. You’ve discovered interests that you could never have predicted you’d be passionate about, because you took a risk, even if it was only a small risk, and threw yourself into some activity you’ve been curious about.

As I said before – you should have hobbies to make YOU happy. It has nothing to do with women – even if, like me, some of your hobbies may have begun as an ill-conceived ploy to find women.

However, having multiple hobbies gives you the added benefit of opening up your social options for things like dates. You now have this new activity that’s full of other like-minded people. And you will click with all of them on at least that level.

So without further ado, here’s how I use MY various hobbies to come up with date ideas for girls who like different things:

Hobby: Dancing
Date idea: Salsa night, dance party, clubs, etc
Cost: $5 to $10 for covers, plus whatever you’re drinking

Well, this one was obvious, wasn’t it? We all know I’m a dancer. I’ve spoken about the social benefits of learning how to dance. So, now we’re using it.

Being able to dance means that you now have a great date activity for ANY girl who likes to dance. And, believe me gentlemen – there are a LOT of ladies who like to dance.

Find a salsa night in your town – most of them have free intro lessons where you can pick up new moves each time you go. All you need is some basic experience, and a sense of rhythm.

As for club dancing, my tip for you is to find the DJs you like in your city, rather than attaching value to the club venue itself. Most spots have a rotation of DJs that play through the week, so what you get will be different depending on the night. If you follow a DJ you really like, though, you will have a consistently good time.

Honestly, venues are venues – when it’s a dance date, it’s the music that really makes the difference. I have a shitty time in really nice clubs if I’m not feeling the DJ’s set. Whereas, you will find me in a hipster dive (nothing wrong with that – I just stick out like a sore thumb there. Which I guess makes me a meta-hipster) if my favorite DJ is bringin’ down the house.

If you know a girl’s musical taste, and that taste vibes with you on some level, then find a DJ in your city who plays that mix – most of them are on FaceBook or Twitter, and will describe the sets they play on a given night at a given venue. Find something you both like, and go!

Hobby: Food and Alcohol
Date idea: Food tastings, wine tastings, beer tastings, one-night cooking class, etc
Cost: $15 to $20 a person for beer and wine tastings, cooking classes vary. If you stay in and cook for the girl, as cheap or expensive as you can make it.

I love food. I love booze. I love cooking. Between those three very related interests, I can find common ground with almost any girl. Who doesn’t like food or booze?

Now, this might not be the case everywhere, but Philly is a food town. Any given week, you can find wine tasting specials at great spots all over the city. Beer flights are a regular thing here on account of the wealth of local breweries. Even better, chefs from around the city regularly host classes at spots like Cook. Baller. You get to relax, have a variety of drinks, and do whatever else it is you want to do.

If it’s more of a fifth date kinda deal, it can be nice to stay in and make a meal for her.

This is even better if you’re both into cooking. Better yet, a lot of times a girl will be into cooking specific things – like baking, or souffle, or, I dunno, bacon-craft. If you are both good at different dishes, bringing those skills together for a single meal can be pretty awesome.

Look into it!

Hobby: Games, both real life and video
Date idea: Game night (combine with drinking), arcades, carnivals, pretty much anything etc
Cost: Cheap arcades still exist, especially if you live in a big city. Carnivals are cheap as hell. Game night at home with a fifth of gin and a competitive partner for Street Fighter is basically free.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ve ripped on gaming as “not a hobby” before. But that’s because, if you’re anything like me, you spent a large portion of your life TOO obsessed with gaming. It wasn’t something that was part of you – it WAS you. And you didn’t see daylight for days on end, much less meet any women or go on dates.

But, if you’ve learned to manage your gaming addiction, it can become a REALLY fun idea for any gamer girl. Or, really, any competitive girl.

True love is spelled “hadoken.”

Point is, gaming as an activity for a date is solid gold with specific girls. Nothing’s more fun than getting liquored up, yelling obscenities whilst having your avatars kick the crap out of each other, and then making out in a release of competitive tension. That was oddly specific, and somehow I now feel shame. Moving on.

Go to a carnival and win your girl a stuffed animal. Or have her win YOU one. Make a (drinking) game out of things – in my house I have a checker set that is all shot glasses. Classy, yo.

Point is, there are endless fun ideas when two people have the gamer instinct – I don’t even know where to begin. If you’re a gamer, and the girl you’re seeing is a gamer, don’t let it just settle into one expression of that hobby.

Think outside the box! Like, competitive strip basketball.

Again, oddly specific, followed by a sense of shame.

Hobby: Comedy
Date idea: Open mics, comedy clubs, improv shows, story slams
Cost: Anywhere from free to expensive – tons of options, depending on where you live, though.

Who doesn’t love a laugh? Boring people, that’s who. And also communists. What humorless dickbags.

Nothing is happy, ever.

But, if you both like a laugh, find out what kinds of humor you’re both into and go see a show. Like wacky, absurd situations that involve audience participation and will possibly make you think about life? Long-form improv show. Want someone to yell at you for an hour about funny things? Standup. Want to hear a whole gamut of 5 minute sets that can be anywhere from awesome to “hey, since this guy sucks, let’s make out?” Open mic night at your local comedy club.

The key here is to see where your humor intersects. Because I’m of the opinion that humor is primal in some way, the intersection of your humor is necessary on some level for chemistry to exist. I have absolutely not substantive data to support this claim, but let’s assume I’m right and say that 90 percent of the women who you’re drawn to and are also drawn to you have, on some level, a similar sense of humor.

Take advantage, and give yourselves a good time!

Hobby: Singing
Date idea: Open mics, karaoke, dueling piano bars, being far too drunk and on the streets
Cost: Mostly free, unless you get a private room for karaoke.

I love singing. I’m not so great at it, but it’s huge fun. Anytime I meet a girl who likes to sing: instant fun activity.

Again, I believe there’s something primal about music. Doesn’t matter what kind you’re into – just sing.

Karaoke is a hugely fun thing – most bars will have a karaoke night with dranky drank specials. Get it. There’s also open mic if you want to be that guy who decides to spit mad rhymes in front of strangers, or just sing along with whoever’s performing.

Then, you know, there’s always just singing along while you’re both walking down the street to some other activity.

If you have any kind of voice, you need to be singing:




Now, your hobbies might be different than mine. And, because I focus on self development and personal happiness (inner game) in my blog, I usually say you should have hobbies for your own sake. It makes you interesting.

But let’s move beyond that. How many times have you really gotten yourself to take advantage of the ACTIVE part of your hobby and using it as a date idea?

The usual reaction is “my hobbies are ____ and ____. No girls are interested in doing that!”

Maybe you’re finding the wrong kinda girls, holmes. See, again, the thing about hobbies is that not only do they make you happier, they open all these social doors for you. If you’re a gamer, you can find other gamers. If you’re a dancer, you can find other dancers. If you’re a rock climber, you can go climbing. Are you a gun nut? If she’s into it, shooting range. There’s a whole ton of things you can leverage your hobbies for.

Just, you know, remember that if a girl likes you, and you treat her right (Table Theory), that’s what will keep her around – catering to her tastes is that last 10 percent of the game where she will really get doe-eyed on you.

Reddit delivers!

Today, out of boredom, I asked the /r/picrequests subreddit to make me a picture of a unicorn riding a donut, punching Tom Cruise while Bruce Lee shreds guitar in the background.

Not even an hour later, Reddit delivers:


Thank you, internet.

More funny comics!

This is from Rob over at Cyanide and Happiness – one of my favorite web comic series. I check it every morning.


Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @