Applied Table Theory – Proximity: Long Distance Relationships

Let me start by saying there is no such thing as a long distance relationship.

Sorry. If you’ve never actually met the girl IN person and never spent a significant amount of time interacting with her outside of World of Warcraft, you have no relationship.

If you’re reading this article because that’s what you thought I’d be talking about, get off your computer, become attractive, and go meet some women in real life.

That’s not the focus of this column.

What I’m going to focus on here is a strong relationship that must, for unavoidable reasons, endure periods of distance.

See, what happens to most people, is they get into a relationship, then something happens, and then they end up separated without having broken off the relationship, or defined how it would work given the distance.

The “something” that separates you and your woman could be anything. Could be a new job in a new city that you or she can’t refuse. Could be something like a death in the family, and you’ve gotta fly back home for an indeterminate amount of time to settle the affairs. Could be that the Sith Lords have finally returned to wage war against the Jedi Order, and you’re needed on the outer rim.

Regardless of what causes it, sustained distance causes an undeniable strain on any relationship, and given enough time, will break ANY relationship.

Read more of this post

Quick Dating Tips – 5 Things You Can Do to Build Your Confidence With Women

“All you need is confidence.”

We’ve all heard that before, am I right? Thanks for the advice, internet. Real helpful. Just like all that sarcasm you sling around without context!

But seriously – confidence.

Everyone wants it.

Especially this guy.

Why?

Well, if you had confidence, you’d talk to that girl. You’d finally put on that full body whale suit and ask her to space prom. And also defeat the evil Emperor Zab for dominance of the galaxy. Or something.

Confidence is key – but how do we get it?

Luckily, your boy Vichet is on the case.

Here are 5 Things You Can Do to Build Your Confidence With Women!

Read more of this post

Quick Dating Tips – 5 Date Ideas From 5 Different Hobbies

So, I generalize a lot. Generally speaking.

But, I was having a conversation with a friend just the other night, and as much as inner-game is the universal language of self-development and happiness (it is, that’s not generalizing), sometimes we get too stuck in our own lives and don’t fully use the benefits that good self-development and happiness brings to us when it comes to women. And for good reason – when you have that energy and happy vibe coming along for the ride, it doesn’t really matter how much or how little your specific interests intersect with the girl you’re dating. You just have to vibe – that’s a primal thing, really.

But – and this is me being specific, versus generalizing – that doesn’t mean it can’t help to pay attention to where your interests DO intersect, and capitalize on that in a glorious culmination of fun and sexy time for everyone!

Finally! Lady vagina sex!
Again!

Now, here’s where my Dating Doctrine article about becoming attractive comes in – specifically the last step of that article. If you’ve been working on your inner game, the interests and hobbies you’ve got going on in your life have probably expanded quite a bit. You’ve discovered interests that you could never have predicted you’d be passionate about, because you took a risk, even if it was only a small risk, and threw yourself into some activity you’ve been curious about.

As I said before – you should have hobbies to make YOU happy. It has nothing to do with women – even if, like me, some of your hobbies may have begun as an ill-conceived ploy to find women.

However, having multiple hobbies gives you the added benefit of opening up your social options for things like dates. You now have this new activity that’s full of other like-minded people. And you will click with all of them on at least that level.

So without further ado, here’s how I use MY various hobbies to come up with date ideas for girls who like different things:

Hobby: Dancing
Date idea: Salsa night, dance party, clubs, etc
Cost: $5 to $10 for covers, plus whatever you’re drinking

Well, this one was obvious, wasn’t it? We all know I’m a dancer. I’ve spoken about the social benefits of learning how to dance. So, now we’re using it.

Being able to dance means that you now have a great date activity for ANY girl who likes to dance. And, believe me gentlemen – there are a LOT of ladies who like to dance.

Find a salsa night in your town – most of them have free intro lessons where you can pick up new moves each time you go. All you need is some basic experience, and a sense of rhythm.

As for club dancing, my tip for you is to find the DJs you like in your city, rather than attaching value to the club venue itself. Most spots have a rotation of DJs that play through the week, so what you get will be different depending on the night. If you follow a DJ you really like, though, you will have a consistently good time.

Honestly, venues are venues – when it’s a dance date, it’s the music that really makes the difference. I have a shitty time in really nice clubs if I’m not feeling the DJ’s set. Whereas, you will find me in a hipster dive (nothing wrong with that – I just stick out like a sore thumb there. Which I guess makes me a meta-hipster) if my favorite DJ is bringin’ down the house.

If you know a girl’s musical taste, and that taste vibes with you on some level, then find a DJ in your city who plays that mix – most of them are on FaceBook or Twitter, and will describe the sets they play on a given night at a given venue. Find something you both like, and go!

Hobby: Food and Alcohol
Date idea: Food tastings, wine tastings, beer tastings, one-night cooking class, etc
Cost: $15 to $20 a person for beer and wine tastings, cooking classes vary. If you stay in and cook for the girl, as cheap or expensive as you can make it.

I love food. I love booze. I love cooking. Between those three very related interests, I can find common ground with almost any girl. Who doesn’t like food or booze?

Now, this might not be the case everywhere, but Philly is a food town. Any given week, you can find wine tasting specials at great spots all over the city. Beer flights are a regular thing here on account of the wealth of local breweries. Even better, chefs from around the city regularly host classes at spots like Cook. Baller. You get to relax, have a variety of drinks, and do whatever else it is you want to do.

If it’s more of a fifth date kinda deal, it can be nice to stay in and make a meal for her.

This is even better if you’re both into cooking. Better yet, a lot of times a girl will be into cooking specific things – like baking, or souffle, or, I dunno, bacon-craft. If you are both good at different dishes, bringing those skills together for a single meal can be pretty awesome.

Look into it!

Hobby: Games, both real life and video
Date idea: Game night (combine with drinking), arcades, carnivals, pretty much anything etc
Cost: Cheap arcades still exist, especially if you live in a big city. Carnivals are cheap as hell. Game night at home with a fifth of gin and a competitive partner for Street Fighter is basically free.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ve ripped on gaming as “not a hobby” before. But that’s because, if you’re anything like me, you spent a large portion of your life TOO obsessed with gaming. It wasn’t something that was part of you – it WAS you. And you didn’t see daylight for days on end, much less meet any women or go on dates.

But, if you’ve learned to manage your gaming addiction, it can become a REALLY fun idea for any gamer girl. Or, really, any competitive girl.

True love is spelled “hadoken.”

Point is, gaming as an activity for a date is solid gold with specific girls. Nothing’s more fun than getting liquored up, yelling obscenities whilst having your avatars kick the crap out of each other, and then making out in a release of competitive tension. That was oddly specific, and somehow I now feel shame. Moving on.

Go to a carnival and win your girl a stuffed animal. Or have her win YOU one. Make a (drinking) game out of things – in my house I have a checker set that is all shot glasses. Classy, yo.

Point is, there are endless fun ideas when two people have the gamer instinct – I don’t even know where to begin. If you’re a gamer, and the girl you’re seeing is a gamer, don’t let it just settle into one expression of that hobby.

Think outside the box! Like, competitive strip basketball.

Again, oddly specific, followed by a sense of shame.

Hobby: Comedy
Date idea: Open mics, comedy clubs, improv shows, story slams
Cost: Anywhere from free to expensive – tons of options, depending on where you live, though.

Who doesn’t love a laugh? Boring people, that’s who. And also communists. What humorless dickbags.

Nothing is happy, ever.

But, if you both like a laugh, find out what kinds of humor you’re both into and go see a show. Like wacky, absurd situations that involve audience participation and will possibly make you think about life? Long-form improv show. Want someone to yell at you for an hour about funny things? Standup. Want to hear a whole gamut of 5 minute sets that can be anywhere from awesome to “hey, since this guy sucks, let’s make out?” Open mic night at your local comedy club.

The key here is to see where your humor intersects. Because I’m of the opinion that humor is primal in some way, the intersection of your humor is necessary on some level for chemistry to exist. I have absolutely not substantive data to support this claim, but let’s assume I’m right and say that 90 percent of the women who you’re drawn to and are also drawn to you have, on some level, a similar sense of humor.

Take advantage, and give yourselves a good time!

Hobby: Singing
Date idea: Open mics, karaoke, dueling piano bars, being far too drunk and on the streets
Cost: Mostly free, unless you get a private room for karaoke.

I love singing. I’m not so great at it, but it’s huge fun. Anytime I meet a girl who likes to sing: instant fun activity.

Again, I believe there’s something primal about music. Doesn’t matter what kind you’re into – just sing.

Karaoke is a hugely fun thing – most bars will have a karaoke night with dranky drank specials. Get it. There’s also open mic if you want to be that guy who decides to spit mad rhymes in front of strangers, or just sing along with whoever’s performing.

Then, you know, there’s always just singing along while you’re both walking down the street to some other activity.

If you have any kind of voice, you need to be singing:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaJ7TyH5mrA%5D

 

Conclusion

Now, your hobbies might be different than mine. And, because I focus on self development and personal happiness (inner game) in my blog, I usually say you should have hobbies for your own sake. It makes you interesting.

But let’s move beyond that. How many times have you really gotten yourself to take advantage of the ACTIVE part of your hobby and using it as a date idea?

The usual reaction is “my hobbies are ____ and ____. No girls are interested in doing that!”

Maybe you’re finding the wrong kinda girls, holmes. See, again, the thing about hobbies is that not only do they make you happier, they open all these social doors for you. If you’re a gamer, you can find other gamers. If you’re a dancer, you can find other dancers. If you’re a rock climber, you can go climbing. Are you a gun nut? If she’s into it, shooting range. There’s a whole ton of things you can leverage your hobbies for.

Just, you know, remember that if a girl likes you, and you treat her right (Table Theory), that’s what will keep her around – catering to her tastes is that last 10 percent of the game where she will really get doe-eyed on you.

Thought of the Day

Something to think about if you find yourself alone and thinking “But the first date went so well!”

It looks like your data might not match your hypothesis…

Off the Cuff #5 – “She wants some time to think about it.”

Dear Vichet,

I asked a girl out yesterday, after a pseudo-date, and she said she wanted some time “to think about it.” What does that mean?

To set up the situation, I’m 26, male, and this was a girl I met a year ago in grad school (we’re both still in school). We talked, exchanged contact info, fb – I think there was some chemistry there, but that could just be me being clueless – but lost track for a year.

I called her up a couple weeks ago, to catch up over a coffee or something since we hadn’t seen each other in a year. She agreed, and we met up, grabbed a beer and talked for a couple hours, and by this time I was really interested.

I told her I go out salsa dancing, and she wanted to learn. So, I suggested she accompany me to a salsa party a week later. Which she did. We went there, had a good time. At the end of the night, I asked her out, and she says “Can I have some time to think about it?”

Am I reading too much into this, or is that a flat out NO?

I sincerely think we had a great time together.

John from Philly

Hi John (from Philly. Woo!),

First, I’m filing this as a “this one girl” question. Those kinds of questions are unhealthy if she really is the only girl in your dating pool. I hope that you’re outgoing enough that this girl is the one you ask about out of dozens that you’ve been seeing over the last few months. If you’re not, be more outgoing!

Being more outgoing doesn’t have to mean dates. Just hang with friends. Meet women casually. Get to know them. That will teach you more than anything on my site. I’m just a guide – you have to take the steps.

Anyway, there are a couple of things here that are clear signals to me that you’re placing a whole lot of value on whether or not this woman is interested in you.

I understand that. We’ve all been there, standing on nails waiting for a call, a smile, a compliment, a touch of the hand, a kiss – whatever it is we needed at the time to think “YES! She’s really into me!”

I’m gonna tell you right now that that approach and attitude will not help you.

So, let go of all those unnecessary expectations. She’s a girl. You’re attracted to her. That’s it. You’re not invested yet, so don’t act like you are.

That, and if you continue to be your fun, outgoing, cool self, and she’s into that, you’ll know it in time. All you’d have to do is make a move, and that’d be that.

That said, I need to tell you that I think this girl is on the fence about you. You ARE reading too much into it. On the other hand, her actions are not a flat out “no.” But, if she’s not letting you kiss her, or agreeing right away, you might as well treat it as a flat out “no” – for now.

If you’re really stuck on this girl (we’ve been there), I’ll tell you that it’s not BAD when when a girl is on the fence about you. It’s just not particularly good, either. You can make the right choices, and she’ll get more interested, but that requires you to back off for a bit. I’ll outline some of those below.

What you need to do first is realize overall is that you’re much more interested in her than she is in you, and that can cause you to make certain decisions that will turn her off of you.

If your interest level is much higher than a woman’s, you will tend to do lots of (questionable, ineffective) things to get her to pay attention to you. Some prime examples of what many guys (but not you, because I’ll tell you what to do) in your situation would do:

  • Make lots of concessions, trying to force the date by making it as irresistible and easy (and thus easy to refuse or flake on) for the woman as possible
  • Clearing the schedule to make yourself super available
  • Suggesting tons of things she wants to do and trying to squeeze yourself in
  • Basically, conditioning all of your behaviors on the possible reward of going out with said “one girl”

Sheesh. That sounds like a lot of maneuvering, don’t it? That’s because it is. Like Spiderman on Mary-Jane.

Remember: when a woman is interested, it’s easy to get her to go out with you.

I’m not saying she’ll never be interested in you. She spent time with you – that’s a plus. She’s on the fence. You might be able to make this work.

Here’s how:

  1. Continue being interesting – continue to prioritize your life and your passions as if this girl isn’t a factor (she’s not).
  2. Continue meeting new people, and making more friends. This will keep your mind off of her, and keep you from losing the priorities you’ve so carefully made in step 1.
  3. Continue approaching life realizing it’s so much bigger than your Friday night date plans – you’re in grad school, right? Own it!
  4. Use the zeal from step 3 to keep upgrading yourself. Help your true friends along, too. True friendship is an investment that pays back in spades.

Now, notice how none of that advice had anything to do with this “one girl?”

That’s because you never become more attractive to “one girl.” You never build strategy around “one girl.”

You’re either attractive, or not, and that’s to women in general. It’s an overall trend, not a point on a graph.

Thing is, you follow those steps, and you’ll likely run into another girl, who isn’t on the fence, who meshes with you better.

Or, this girl will come around, see you in a different light, and be down like Charlie Brown.

Either way, you have to employ the same strategy of being cool, fun, outgoing, and driven, because that’s a strategy for your life, and everything in it – including women.

Don’t make this girl a priority. She’s not your girlfriend, and she’s on the fence.

Back off a bit to keep working on you, and she might come around – and even if she doesn’t, hey, you’re becoming cooler and more attractive to women in general.

Hope that puts things in perspective.

-V