Dating Tropes Explained – Part VIII – “High Maintenance” Women, featuring Carl Brutananadilewski

Remember how I mentioned that Carl Brutananadilewski should totally give dating advice? Yeah, well, now I can’t get his voice out of my head. It’s pretty awesome.

For anyone who doesn’t know, watch this first, and then imagine the same hairy, belligerent Polish-American telling you how to handle yourself around women:

Yeah, so, for the introduction of this article, I’m going to pretend Carl’s narrating it. You don’t have to, but it might be extra funny that way.

Everybody knows that broads what don’t speak English can’t say no, you know what I’m sayin’? Haha, yeah!

So you’re dating this hot lady, easily a 6 outta 10, maybe a 7 when she wears that see-through dress you like and forgets the panties, know what I mean? Haha, yeaaaaah!

Anyways, you go down to the Red Lobster and you order somethin’ real nice for her like the linguini with the little seafood things on top that cost, what, fifteen big ones, and now she’s sayin’ “Carl, you know I’m allergic to seafood!”

Come on, now. We know what’s goin’ on here. You just put in your time and fifteen whole dollars to get this woman a feast of succulent things and pasta and maybe some of that fancy olive oil, and now she’s sayin’ she can’t eat it what ’cause she’s gonna die.

I mean, talk about high maintenance women, am I right? Yeah!

I mean, who needs ’em? Not the Garden State Stud – no way. The only high maintenance woman in my life is 2 Wycked, and she let’s me ride her all day long and don’t talk my ear off about her periods and feelings neither.

This here is the greatest and best thing any woman has ever seen, until she sees my pastrami and meatballs. And by that I mean my penis and testicles. Am I right? Yeaaah!

Avoid the high maintenance ladies, know what I mean?

Alright, so that was an experiment. But, Carl brings up an oft-invoked trope in the dating scene: the high maintenance woman.

But what does it mean, to be high maintenance, exactly?

Some will say it’s a girl who has expensive tastes – not necessarily a gold digger, but a girl who, if you’re going to get her a gift, will only really appreciate something in the expensive range.

Some will say it’s a girl who gets you involved in her fights. An example being making you take sides on arguments she’s having with your friends. This is just plain unacceptable in my view, but hey, some people have different opinions on it. I’ll bite.

Some will say it’s a girl who takes a long time to get ready to do anything, and needs lots of things to get by every day. I mean, we all need things to get by every day, but this kind of girl turns it into a ritual with no margin for error. If anything’s missing from that make-up/coffee/right shoes/right hair, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera routine, then you will damn sure hear about it, and she will be pissed.

I mean, there’s a million definitions out there. Go ahead, Google “High Maintenance Women.” If you’re lazy, I have links here, here, here, and here.

And, to a point, I’d agree that all of these things tend to indicate that a woman is high maintenance.

In its most general definition, I would say that a woman who is high maintenance defines herself by doing the following:

  1. Thinks that McDonald’s and a quickie in the bathroom is not a romantic date. I mean, what the hell? That’s romantic as shit. I seen it in a movie. Or a porno. Hey, pornos are movies. Don’t judge me.
  2. Regularly turns at least 30 percent of her problems into her man’s problems.

So, looking back, having written that list, I would say that really, only the second one is critical. Although bumping tires in a McDonald’s bathroom may or may not still be on my bucket list. Ahem. Ladies, step right up.

Let’s go back to those examples up there.

A woman with expensive tastes – I would assume that if she has the money, she would just get a lot of these things herself. But, why do that when she has a boatload of entitlement and can get a guy to do it? That’s high maintenance of the gold-digging variety.

Or how about the one who picks fights and makes you take sides? I mean, it’s already bad enough to pick fights, but all the sudden she can just enact the draft and you have to get to the front lines? Shucks.

Then we have the innocuous “takes a long time to get ready and needs lots of things” girl. This is the most forgivable of the three examples I gave, but can still be a liability. I understand women need some time to get ready. But it can start to get ridiculous if suddenly that means you have to be late everywhere. Even worse if she just has a bad attitude if one of those things is missing. Ever hear a girl say “I can’t go out looking like this” when she’s already dolled up and really just can’t decide on earrings? Yeah.

“But Vichet,” you say. “Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? I mean, you said we should only forgive 30 percent of a woman’s problems when she shoves them onto us. Isn’t this all about giving?”

Yes. Yes it is. Relationships are about giving. And not only that, but some women who don’t mean to be high maintenance can come off that way if you never discuss this with them – especially later on in the relationship. If you’ve been in a relationship with a girl who was low maintenance, and slowly started becoming high maintenance, talk to her. That’s called maintaining your Table legs (mutual independence and her ability to solve problems that don’t require combined effort, in this case).

But, I’m not talking about those women. I’m talking about the ones who, straight off the first date, start giving you shitty things.

That relationship is about failing, not giving.

And, just to reiterate so that the low maintenance ladies of the world don’t lose their minds, there is nothing wrong with receiving and accepting gifts. There is nothing wrong with having lots of shoes. There is nothing wrong with any of that stuff.

Where things get dicey is when you have problems (“I don’t have enough ______.”) and you expect, nay, demand that whatever man or friends in your life solve those problems (“He should get me all the ______ I need.”) and then get pissed if he refuses to give into your bullshit.

If you’re that kind of woman, I will say this as diplomatically as possible: choke yourself**.

**I do not condone violence on women, or suicide.

As for the “30 percent of her problems” thing, we really don’t need to get into the degrees of “high maintenance” that exist, aside from the fact that every guy has his limit. A smart guy should know what he’s willing to bend for, and what he cannot break for. 30 percent of a person’s problems is a reasonable and magical number where it’s significantly less than half a person’s problems, but still significant enough to recognize as an issue that needs to be addressed. In an ideal relationship, neither party should be bringing that many personal problems to the table.

I mean, do you go dumping your problems onto your woman?

Yes?

Well, stop it, dickweed!

If you don’t do that, though, and you happen to be a patient, forgiving guy (both incredibly useful traits around the RIGHT woman), you will have a tendency to get walked all over by a high maintenance woman dumping more and more problems onto you.

That’s the other thing: high maintenance women instinctively test the limits of your providing. If you put up with 3 problems one day, they will try 4 the next.

I don’t know if it’s because they intend to do this or not, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a sucker’s game, and you shouldn’t play it when you recognize it for what it is.

“But Vichet,” you say. “I’m a patient, forgiving guy. Can’t I just deal with it?”

Do you hear yourself? Did you read what I just said? Don’t you think you can do better?

Sure, the first time she starts loading problems onto you, it might not stress you out. It might not even stress you out after a hundred times. But one day, you’ll get tired of it. Or she’ll decide that you’re not attending to her in a satisfactory manner. And it’ll happen so gradually that you won’t even be sure it’s because of her, or you, or whatever. Not until there’s enough drama and ammo on both sides of the camp – for you, all the things she makes you thanklessly do, and for her, all of those things she thinks you could be handling better – for the war to go nuclear.

And that’s when the Table would break.

In terms of Table Theory, a high maintenance woman is the double-whammy girl who both lacks mutual independence (the ability to solve her own problems) AND continually places more and more weight on the Table than she can clear off. That means that the surplus of drama packages on the Table becomes the man’s responsibility, if he wants to keep the Table from buckling under the weight.

Does that make sense? If problems are appearing on the Table faster than they can be cleared off, the Table will break.

At the crux of the issue, this is why so many guys are able to stay in relationships with high maintenance women for a while – because they can focus their energy on removing those problems from the top of the table. But, even the Ultimate Man a man can only do so much, and all men, nay, all people are terrible multi-taskers. If all of your effort all of the time is spent dealing with her problems, who is looking after the Table legs of proximity, mutual independence, chemistry, and non-conflicting life goals?

Doesn’t matter how patient you are, bro. A high maintenance woman is the bunker buster of patience fallout shelters. She was DESIGNED to break you. The Table is nothing compared to her problem generating might.

I mean, really, you shouldn’t need to be a saint for your relationship to work. And, if you are a saint – and I use the word “deserve” so rarely that it almost doesn’t exist to me – you “deserve” better.

To temper the above statement before you start thinking you’re entitled to things, and thus preventing you from becoming a high maintenance man, I’ll quote Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven:

Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.

Regardless of what you “deserve”, if you let a high maintenance woman into your life, you’ll get just one thing –  a whole mess of problems.

But really, to quote Carl Brutananadilewski: “Linda, I care about you. And I respect you. So where, uh, where am I gonna do ya?”

I don’t need no instructions to know how to ROCK!

Dating Tropes Explained – Part VII – Shit Tests and Crazy Women

So, a lot of guys who come to me for advice are actually part of what you’d call the pick-up community.

“Gasp,” you think. “Is Vichet a PICK UP ARTIST?”

His popularity! His suave presence! I knew it!

Irrelevant.

And I’ll say this in critique/defense of the pick-up community: like any self-help oriented community out there, it has its share of snake oil salesmen. But, there are also lots of genuinely good guys looking out for genuinely good guys, too. So you take the good and ignore the bad.

Anyway, the story is always the same, when a guy comes to me for advice. It’s because something didn’t work out the way he wanted.

And, usually, he’ll start like this:

Hey Vichet, I went on a date with this girl and it seemed to be going pretty well, cause she went dancing with me after, but then when I dropped her off at home she didn’t invite me upstairs. A couple of times during the date she mentioned that she never sleeps with a guy on the first date. I mean, why would she mention that? Was she shit testing me to see if I would try to make a move anyway? Did I fail?

Well, yeah, bro. You did fail. If you define success as getting laid, anyway.

Furthermore, if we wanna take this girl at her word (why not?), you’ve got a TON of leeway between doing nothing, which is what you did up there, and having sex on the first date. I mean, I assume that most girls don’t bang on the first date until they prove otherwise (I make it a point to present the opportunity). But there’s nothin’ wrong with asking if she’d like to have another drink upstairs, and seeing where the boundaries are (remember that “no means no,” and “no that means yes” really just means “crazy”).

But that’s neither here nor there. The main star of this article is the ever-crazy shit test.

For my uninitiated readers, a shit test is defined as the following:

shit test (n) – any situation manufactured and manipulated by a woman to judge the inner character of a man

also…

shit test (v) – to administer said shit test (n)

Above: A classic example of a woman shit testing a man to see if he has an Oedipus complex, and is thus attracted to her because she resembles his mother.

That sounds f*ckin’ crazy, don’t it? That’s because it is exactly that: crazy.

And, since most women aren’t crazy, you really don’t need to worry about this 95 percent of the time. Especially because most of the time, when a guy thinks a woman is crazy, it’s really just because she’s not that into him but is trying her hardest not to be a dick about it.

A shit test is essentially the verbal version of smacking someone in the face just to see what they’ll do. Most women don’t actually do that. Some do.

In almost every case of you getting rejected, shit test or no, you’re still standing there, with this hopeful, boyish, stupid look on your face.

And then you ask…

“But Vichet! How can I PASS the shit test to gain access to her sweet sweet underparts?”

God, damnit! She wasn’t shit testing you! She probably was just not into you!

But fine. I’ll bite. I’ve known, taken out, and even banged some women who have that kind of shit-testy way about them, where they’re thinking “I’m going to put this person in this situation and see what he does.” It happens. When it does, it’s like you’ve won the lottery of having to deal with shitty people.

And there are ways to pass the tests. It involves you lying, not being yourself (because that’s what she’s shit testing), and playing a Cold War game of sexual chicken to see who gives in first. If you’re capable of being more manipulative than a shit-testing woman (good luck), then congrats, you get to spend even more time with this harpy – in BED!

Although I will say all that tension and anger might make the carnal gymnastics a little more interesting, if you’re into that.

Still, back to my point – giving any advice about how to pass a bona-fide shit test is tantamount to putting out fires on a sinking ship – it’s a bad situation you cannot fix by staying on the damned boat!

Let me repeat: women that actively employ shit tests are CRAZY.

Unrepentant, bat-shit crazy with a side of f*ck-up-your-life-and-eat-your-dog insane.

And you want to sleep with this theoretical woman? Or see them more than once?

I mean, have you IMAGINED what being in a relationship with this kind of woman would be like? It’d be torture!

Her – “Hey baby, can you pass the black pepper?”

You – “Sure, babe. Here.”

Her – “You son of a bitch! You KNOW I’m allergic to black pepper! I’m gonna put a baseball in a sock and beat the shit out of you when you fall asleep!”

You – “Aw, man…”

Back in high school, we used to say “bitch be triflin’.”  For all of my non inner-city readers, that can be translated into technical English thusly: “That woman regularly manufactures conflict from non-issues.”

Or maybe you prefer Shakespeare: “Her affectations are the fury of a raging fire! No man or boy hath water ’nuff to quench! That and she a straight up bitch.”

So, advice of the century: if your woman legitimately engineers situations where you will be made a fool if you don’t act in exactly the way she wants, then dump her manipulative, triflin’ ass.

No exceptions. No excuses. For every physically attractive shit testing woman, I can find you an equally physically attractive woman who doesn’t have the narcissistic personality disorder.

I mean, really, come on! Do you need to get laid that badly? Well, here’s a tip:

Now, as a caveat, I will say this. Every woman I have ever met is indeed MUCH more observant than the average guy. But not because she shit tests. She just pays attention. A skill EVERY man needs to have.

My theory is that women are much more observant because they are, in our society, generally put under much more social pressure to look, act, and speak certain ways. This means they have to pay attention to themselves, their own actions and attitudes (and any ties between the traits) much more than the average guy who can get away with farting in front of his friends. The average woman is thus much more able to pick out traits implied by others’ behaviors.

So, if you’re being an dickhead, and you get rejected by twenty woman for being a dickhead, don’t immediately think that they were shit testing you, because you might actually be a dickhead. Ask yourself “are there legitimately things I can improve about myself?”

But, if you’re not a dickhead, you can learn from this. A good woman observes things like whether you’re rude to waitresses, whether you have a bad relationship with your parents, whether you hang out with worthless people, and so on and so forth. She doesn’t shove you into a room with these situations and observe you through a one way mirror – she just lets it happen naturally and chills the f*ck out about it.

You should do the same. Observe women, and be chill. You will see what she’s about. The information will reveal itself without you spending all your effort looking under stones and in dark corners, so you’ll be much less neurotic in action and mind.

This will help you filter out the crazies and the not-crazy-but-incompatible people in your life. You will also filter in the people you can generally get along well with and who understand you.

So there you have it. When it comes to shit tests the only way to pass is to dump her triflin’ ass!

The more you know!