Dating Tropes Explained – Part X – “Being Alpha”

Anyone ever tell you to “be alpha”?

Yeah. If you’ve been reading male dating advice for more than a couple weeks, you’ve surely come across this phrase.

And, when most of us get advice, we do the practical, obvious thing (don’t we?) – we go out and use it.

Thing is, that doesn’t quite work with “being alpha.” Part of it is that “being alpha,” as a doctrine, is very vague and confusing. Here’s what most people (who don’t really understand it) think it means:

  • Alphas act confident.
  • Alphas take charge.
  • Alphas aren’t allowed to talk about feelings, show interest, or do anything that might otherwise seem weak – especially to other Alphas.
  • Alphas don’t take no disrespect
  • Alphas go to the gym and can lift like, 400 lbs!
  • No, no, no, true Alphas don’t care what other people think they look like!
  • You kidding me? Alphas are the most attractive guy in the room, 60 percent of the time, EVERY time!
  • Okay, fine – but you have to agree that Alphas practice THESE particular sports, but not THOSE sports – those aren’t alpha enough!
  • Bullshit! Alphas do what they want, when they want, all the time, without giving a rat’s ass about other people!
  • You’re thinking of sociopaths.
  • ALPHA!

AAAAAAAAAAAALPHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…
… !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See that? That’s a fundamental lack of understanding of what being alpha truly means. If I were to encapsulate the never-ending debate surrounding alpha-ism, most people seem to think that being alpha is a big old circle-jerk of inferiority complexes.

And sadly, based on my vast pool of anecdotal evidence and my own condescending proclivities (hey, you’ve been listening to me insult you directly for 40-some articles, don’t tell me you didn’t know), most people are not far from the truth when they think that about people who are “trying to be alpha.”

But, see, that’s the thing. Looking at someone who is trying (ie failing) at being alpha, and then judging the concept based on that, is like meeting someone who is trying to be a fish and saying that because a man can’t breathe under water, fish suck at life.

But, occasionally, you meet an actual alpha, and you realize you have no idea what the f*ck you’re talking about, because, hey, it’s a normal person. You didn’t realize he was being any particular way because a real alpha is just himself – and who he happens to be is someone who invariably kicks ass at whatever he wants to kick ass at, and doesn’t at whatever he doesn’t. He doesn’t, like, answer to YOU, maaaan.

Let that sink in: Being alpha is all about being the ultimate expression of who YOU are, and is thus whatever the hell you want to make it mean.**

**My job is to make sure you truly know who you want to be. Very rarely is it “prince charming who gets walked all over by everyone in his life because he lacks a spine.”

Haven’t you been reading Dating Doctrine?

“But Vichet,” you protest. “Your site is funny and clever and has really good advice! It CAN’T be about becoming alpha like those douchebags I see at bars who all dress the same and dry hump everything they can get their arms around!”

I’m gonna let you in on a secret: misconceptions like the one you have are why I use terms like the “Ultimate Man” – because such a term doesn’t bring to mind the negative connotations that jaded folks out there have pasted onto seduction advice. In fact, misconceptions like that are why the entire “Dating Tropes Explained” series exists.

Really think about the fact that the way you go about your existence is in your hands, along with the consequences of your actions. If you can be at peace with that, you are on the way to becoming alpha.

No, this is not your license to drop everything and turn back into a whiny bitch.

So, again, look at the Ultimate Man. You think he has any of the following thoughts when he goes out?

  • “I’m not talking to her right now. I should go talk to her. Be alpha!”
  • “I’m not standing cool enough. I need to, like, stand cooler. Be alpha!”
  • “My wang isn’t bulging through my pants enough. I need to readjust. Be alpha!”
  • “Super Secret Forbidden Pick-Up Technique, OCTOBER MAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”
  • “It’s over 9000!”

If you think the Ultimate Man has any of those thoughts, you would be wrong, sir. In fact, the Ultimate Man probably doesn’t have any thoughts about how he should act in the moment at all. He just IS. He acts a certain way, because he IS a certain way.

Chuck Palahniuk already had Tyler Durden (the literary character, not the dating coach, though he probably agrees) say it best: “Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

The Ultimate Man isn’t born – he’s made. He trained himself to be that way. He started out like you or me – with those thoughts, with those doubts, with people telling him to “be alpha.” After many, many, many failures and a lifetime of introspection and shifting mindsets, he has landed on complete freedom from external constructs. He is the Ultimate Man, and doesn’t think about a thing when it comes to how he should express himself. He is the Ultimate Man when he sleeps, when he showers, when he leaves the house, when he’s at work, when he’s talking to a guy, when he’s talking to a girl – in ANY context, he is still the Ultimate Man, because it’s something he has become, not something he thinks about doing.

A tiger doesn’t think about being a tiger. He doesn’t leave his tiger house in the tiger morning for the tiger office job and think “I’m going to be really TIGER today!”

And that’s the difference.

So in conclusion, I want to be very clear when I say this: if you have to think about being “alpha,” then you are not.

Being alpha is an end that becomes a mean. You develop yourself as a person, and internalize those developments, so your attitudes and ways of being are as natural as walking, breathing, or, you know, hadokens.

HADOKEN!

Don’t get me wrong – you don’t become alpha overnight. Your mindset is intertwined with your daily actions and your habits. In order to shift one, you have to shift the other, and vice-versa, little by little, every day.

When you’re shy (assuming you don’t want to be), you need guys like me to make you accountable, giving you that kick in the ass to make moves in spite of your shyness. But a funny thing happens. After a while, you don’t need guys like me anymore for that particular thing. It just becomes natural.

So, things like the techniques and tropes of dating advice are key steps.

Just remember, they’re not the END of your development as a person. When you get to the crossroads with your newfound power, you’ll be thinking “what next?”

That’s when you need to start really listening to yourself, what you want, and who you want to be. And be that every day, in every context, until you want to be something else. THEN, you’d be alpha, in the sense that it should be understood.

Of course, if you’re alpha already, you probably could care less about the title.

Random Thought – What should I call what I do?

So I was wondering what I should call what I do here.

My original idea was “mansulting” – man+consulting = consulting for males.

But what about “mangineering?”

A few other choices:

  • manology
  • mating advice – like dating advice, but bonier. Ha!
  • masculism (like feminism, but with more penises)
  • iterative dong testing

Thoughts? Other suggestions? Leave ’em in the comments!

Dating Tropes Explained – Part VII – Shit Tests and Crazy Women

So, a lot of guys who come to me for advice are actually part of what you’d call the pick-up community.

“Gasp,” you think. “Is Vichet a PICK UP ARTIST?”

His popularity! His suave presence! I knew it!

Irrelevant.

And I’ll say this in critique/defense of the pick-up community: like any self-help oriented community out there, it has its share of snake oil salesmen. But, there are also lots of genuinely good guys looking out for genuinely good guys, too. So you take the good and ignore the bad.

Anyway, the story is always the same, when a guy comes to me for advice. It’s because something didn’t work out the way he wanted.

And, usually, he’ll start like this:

Hey Vichet, I went on a date with this girl and it seemed to be going pretty well, cause she went dancing with me after, but then when I dropped her off at home she didn’t invite me upstairs. A couple of times during the date she mentioned that she never sleeps with a guy on the first date. I mean, why would she mention that? Was she shit testing me to see if I would try to make a move anyway? Did I fail?

Well, yeah, bro. You did fail. If you define success as getting laid, anyway.

Furthermore, if we wanna take this girl at her word (why not?), you’ve got a TON of leeway between doing nothing, which is what you did up there, and having sex on the first date. I mean, I assume that most girls don’t bang on the first date until they prove otherwise (I make it a point to present the opportunity). But there’s nothin’ wrong with asking if she’d like to have another drink upstairs, and seeing where the boundaries are (remember that “no means no,” and “no that means yes” really just means “crazy”).

But that’s neither here nor there. The main star of this article is the ever-crazy shit test.

For my uninitiated readers, a shit test is defined as the following:

shit test (n) – any situation manufactured and manipulated by a woman to judge the inner character of a man

also…

shit test (v) – to administer said shit test (n)

Above: A classic example of a woman shit testing a man to see if he has an Oedipus complex, and is thus attracted to her because she resembles his mother.

That sounds f*ckin’ crazy, don’t it? That’s because it is exactly that: crazy.

And, since most women aren’t crazy, you really don’t need to worry about this 95 percent of the time. Especially because most of the time, when a guy thinks a woman is crazy, it’s really just because she’s not that into him but is trying her hardest not to be a dick about it.

A shit test is essentially the verbal version of smacking someone in the face just to see what they’ll do. Most women don’t actually do that. Some do.

In almost every case of you getting rejected, shit test or no, you’re still standing there, with this hopeful, boyish, stupid look on your face.

And then you ask…

“But Vichet! How can I PASS the shit test to gain access to her sweet sweet underparts?”

God, damnit! She wasn’t shit testing you! She probably was just not into you!

But fine. I’ll bite. I’ve known, taken out, and even banged some women who have that kind of shit-testy way about them, where they’re thinking “I’m going to put this person in this situation and see what he does.” It happens. When it does, it’s like you’ve won the lottery of having to deal with shitty people.

And there are ways to pass the tests. It involves you lying, not being yourself (because that’s what she’s shit testing), and playing a Cold War game of sexual chicken to see who gives in first. If you’re capable of being more manipulative than a shit-testing woman (good luck), then congrats, you get to spend even more time with this harpy – in BED!

Although I will say all that tension and anger might make the carnal gymnastics a little more interesting, if you’re into that.

Still, back to my point – giving any advice about how to pass a bona-fide shit test is tantamount to putting out fires on a sinking ship – it’s a bad situation you cannot fix by staying on the damned boat!

Let me repeat: women that actively employ shit tests are CRAZY.

Unrepentant, bat-shit crazy with a side of f*ck-up-your-life-and-eat-your-dog insane.

And you want to sleep with this theoretical woman? Or see them more than once?

I mean, have you IMAGINED what being in a relationship with this kind of woman would be like? It’d be torture!

Her – “Hey baby, can you pass the black pepper?”

You – “Sure, babe. Here.”

Her – “You son of a bitch! You KNOW I’m allergic to black pepper! I’m gonna put a baseball in a sock and beat the shit out of you when you fall asleep!”

You – “Aw, man…”

Back in high school, we used to say “bitch be triflin’.”  For all of my non inner-city readers, that can be translated into technical English thusly: “That woman regularly manufactures conflict from non-issues.”

Or maybe you prefer Shakespeare: “Her affectations are the fury of a raging fire! No man or boy hath water ’nuff to quench! That and she a straight up bitch.”

So, advice of the century: if your woman legitimately engineers situations where you will be made a fool if you don’t act in exactly the way she wants, then dump her manipulative, triflin’ ass.

No exceptions. No excuses. For every physically attractive shit testing woman, I can find you an equally physically attractive woman who doesn’t have the narcissistic personality disorder.

I mean, really, come on! Do you need to get laid that badly? Well, here’s a tip:

Now, as a caveat, I will say this. Every woman I have ever met is indeed MUCH more observant than the average guy. But not because she shit tests. She just pays attention. A skill EVERY man needs to have.

My theory is that women are much more observant because they are, in our society, generally put under much more social pressure to look, act, and speak certain ways. This means they have to pay attention to themselves, their own actions and attitudes (and any ties between the traits) much more than the average guy who can get away with farting in front of his friends. The average woman is thus much more able to pick out traits implied by others’ behaviors.

So, if you’re being an dickhead, and you get rejected by twenty woman for being a dickhead, don’t immediately think that they were shit testing you, because you might actually be a dickhead. Ask yourself “are there legitimately things I can improve about myself?”

But, if you’re not a dickhead, you can learn from this. A good woman observes things like whether you’re rude to waitresses, whether you have a bad relationship with your parents, whether you hang out with worthless people, and so on and so forth. She doesn’t shove you into a room with these situations and observe you through a one way mirror – she just lets it happen naturally and chills the f*ck out about it.

You should do the same. Observe women, and be chill. You will see what she’s about. The information will reveal itself without you spending all your effort looking under stones and in dark corners, so you’ll be much less neurotic in action and mind.

This will help you filter out the crazies and the not-crazy-but-incompatible people in your life. You will also filter in the people you can generally get along well with and who understand you.

So there you have it. When it comes to shit tests the only way to pass is to dump her triflin’ ass!

The more you know!