Quick Dating Tips – 5 Things You Can Do to Build Your Confidence With Women

“All you need is confidence.”

We’ve all heard that before, am I right? Thanks for the advice, internet. Real helpful. Just like all that sarcasm you sling around without context!

But seriously – confidence.

Everyone wants it.

Especially this guy.

Why?

Well, if you had confidence, you’d talk to that girl. You’d finally put on that full body whale suit and ask her to space prom. And also defeat the evil Emperor Zab for dominance of the galaxy. Or something.

Confidence is key – but how do we get it?

Luckily, your boy Vichet is on the case.

Here are 5 Things You Can Do to Build Your Confidence With Women!

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Off the Cuff #6 – “I’m worried my depression will make me date a guy I don’t feel attracted to.”

Hi Vichet,

I met this guy through a mutual friend and I never thought he was attractive enough for something to happen between us. Call it shallow, but he not really the kind of guy I want to be with.

So, since I didn’t feel any type of romance for him, becoming friends was pretty easy. We got along well enough but it wasn’t anything like “I’m so glad we’re friends!”

As time goes on, he admitted that I spun his head around (in the good way) and thought I was amazing. He begins to throw more flirtatious compliments out there and it gets to the point where it makes me angry. My gut would twist up, I would picture myself screaming at him to stop. It was.. creepy in a way.

Now, when we met, I wasn’t lonely or searching for any type of love. But, for the past couple months, I’ve been in a depression/anxiety spell. I also am home schooled so I didn’t have a lot of friends. Any person who gave me good attention, I fell in a love trance with, even if it wasn’t romantic. I adored anyone (still kind of do) who I have a good time with.

Because of this, I almost got into a relationship with another guy, but he left due to wanting different things.

This crushed me.

After that, I was extremely happy one moment, extremely depressed another. It was terrible. I lost a sense of who I was, and what I really wanted, and what wasn’t wanted. One day I want to be independent, and the next I feel like if I had friends and a boyfriend, I could be content.

Now, here’s the problem.

I’ve been thinking about the guy I’m not interested in. And I don’t want to. I almost feel like he unintentionally is manipulating my brain to like him.

When I’m too bored and alone for a while, he’s all I think about, and I hate it.

I’m scared that since I’m so desperate, I’ll take a chance with him, and he’ll be a good boyfriend to the point I would never leave and never get to experience all of the types of guys I dream about being with.

Some people have said take a chance. But what if I take a chance and realize I couldn’t like him at all and he would be let down, again? Worse, what if I take a chance and confuse myself into liking him, and never leave?

I deeply apologize for the length, but I thought you should know everything, for you to have a final answer.

Confused Girl from Reddit

Hi Confused Girl from Reddit,

I’m gonna cut to the chase – your depression is the real problem. Not the guys who left. Not the guy who annoys you. Depression.

Get rid of your depression in ANY way you can. See a counselor/therapist, take up more hobbies, follow your passions, pursue life, do what you need to do. If you are depressed, and I speak from experience, everything you do will be affected by it, in many cases completely ruined by it.

Now, before you get all scared by what I just said, let me clarify something. Depression is a HUGE problem, yes, but only if you let it be one. You have a choice in how you let it affect your day-to-day life, even if it’s so bad you think you can’t do anything about it.

In my experience, my biggest success battling depression was to make sure my feelings didn’t keep me from doing what I have to do in order to be happy.

Some days I would wake up and lay in bed thinking “what’s the point?” The reasons would be different every day – “no one cares,” “nothing’s going my way,” “nothing’s going to change.” That kind of stuff. It was like that on and off for a couple years during high school and college, and then really severe after I graduated college.

So, listening to those thoughts and feelings, I would make bad decisions based on them.

I stopped eating healthily and stopped exercising. Stuff like that took work and thought, and who wants to do work and put in effort when they’re feeling down? So, I decided to give up my good habits, just because I felt depressed.

As usual, the bad effects then made me feel MORE depressed. I gained weight, had all sorts of weird health problems, and was tired all the time. More than 3 days a week, I would literally lay in bed all day, doing nothing, or otherwise spending my time playing video games so I wouldn’t have to think.

I managed to graduate anyway, pouring what little effort I had left into the one thing I still enjoyed doing: writing. Things got worse, because like you, the person I loved at the time broke up with me.

On top of all of that, I didn’t have a job – and returning home without one became a huge factor in my depression. I felt like I owed people – my parents, my school (who gave me a TON of money to attend), my friends and family who all felt like I was going somewhere big. I felt like I disappointed them. I felt talentless, useless, and like a waste of space.

That’s depression – persistent negative feelings that you feel like you just can’t shake.

And, I would use those feelings as an excuse not to apply for jobs, or do anything worthwhile, because I wouldn’t see the point.

You could see how this contributes to a vicious cycle.

All that was small fries compared to this one, BIG misconception that depression had me believing: I began to look for other people that I thought could get me out of it. I started clinging onto girls just because I thought maybe they’d make me happy.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, and I wasted three years doing that, when I could have been getting better.

You CANNOT put your happiness on other people. They will not only resent you for it, but they can’t provide that for you even if they wanted to.

So, I reached a breaking point. That’s when, luckily, my mom gave me a book. Larry Winget’s “Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life“. A lot of the things he said resonated with me.

Specifically, and I forget the exact quote, but I’ll try to get the gist of it here:

If I continued living my life trying to avoid difficulty and any kind of hard work to make my life better, using the excuse that I’m avoiding bad feelings, I would just make those bad feelings worse.

Somehow, one day, I just decided that enough was enough.

I started doing all the things that my depression made me give up. I made myself make choices that I’d been avoiding every day for years. They were tough choices to make, because when you’re depressed and don’t want to do anything – well, you don’t want to do anything.

But, see, that’s the big trick of depression – you’re asking yourself “what’s the point” because you think that unless something makes you happy right away as you do it, it’s not worth it and will never contribute anything to your life.

Problem is, the best pay-offs in life aren’t immediate. This is where Larry Winget’s philosophy came in big: “It’s called work for a reason,” he says. You have to put in the time to get the pay-off. Sometimes, you’ll get no pay-off, sure, and that’s just life. But the one guarantee in life is that if you do nothing, you’ll get nothing.

I took that and ran with it. I started eating right. I started exercising. I applied for 15 jobs a day. I wrote furiously. I took dance classes. I stayed busy with the things I knew I loved, even though my depression was trying to tell me every day that I didn’t want to wake up and do all that work because “it’s pointless.”

It didn’t change overnight. It was hard, and I fell off the wagon a lot. But I kept at it for months. Then years. Now, it’s how I live.

But eventually, I did notice changes. I started smiling more. I started thinking less about how “there was no point.” I started noticing that I was good at things again. I started noticing that I liked DOING things again.

I’ve had ups and mild downs since then, but overall, every down was followed by a more powerful UP, and it’s because I’m making good decisions for myself.

It’s not about being perfect. I fail a lot. But I learn every time, and the biggest thing I’ve learned was to not let negative, self-defeating attitudes keep me from doing what I need to get done to be happy.

I know it’s tough, but you CAN do it, and when you break the vicious cycle, your life starts spiraling UP instead of down.

Remember – what you do today has an effect on how you feel tomorrow. If you make bad decisions because you feel bad today, you will feel worse tomorrow.

Everyone has bad days – but bad days turn into depression when we use them as excuses for bad decisions like “I don’t feel well enough to do that today,” or “I’m going to eat two whole pizzas because I feel sorry for myself” (the second is something I’ve done multiple times per week in college).

This is the only point I will speak to because it’s the root of EVERY single issue you brought up to me.

You’re depressed. You’re looking for a way out, but you’re looking for that way out from other people instead of yourself.

This has you thinking about the guy you don’t like, but who is willing to bolster your self-esteem. That may work for a little while, but ultimately, you’ll resent him again because you will feel like you owe him for being around.

Some people have said take a chance.

Yes. Take a chance – but not on HIM. Take a chance on YOU. Take a chance on finding out what YOU want out of life, and what YOU want to be able to say about yourself before you die. We all end up in the same place in the end – but trust me, you will care about how you get there.

Men are not what you need right now. You need to be independent and HAPPY.

Then the men you choose to spend your time with will truly be a choice based on preference, rather than a choice based on perceived necessity.

I know you’re a girl, but you need to read the entire “Dating Doctrine” series that I wrote, and also my article on “Mutual Independence.”

You also sound young – this is a good thing because you have so much of your life ahead of you. Reaching these fight or flight moments earlier, even though they’re really tough, can be a good thing – the triumphs, and even the failures, will put you ahead of others your age.

Never be afraid to take a chance on yourself, because failure isn’t the end of the world. Take that from an Asian guy who would get grounded for A- work when he was younger.

Hope it all works out for you – even better, it will work out for you because you will make the choices you need to make to be happy, regardless of how you feel at the time of action.

-V

Applied Table Theory – Proximity: How much is too much?

Proximity.

Most of you know the obvious – in order to have a successful relationship, you need to spend time with your girl.

Simple, right? I mean, what else could proximity mean?

See that? I’m baiting you. Because proximity as a concept means so much more than “spend time with your girl.”

And the reason I’m writing this is that, if I were to generalize, most relationships don’t end from a lack of proximity, but rather too much of it. Some call that situation “lack of boundaries” or “loss of identity” – I choose not to, because that conflates proximity issues with other separate problems.

“Too much proximity? Preposterous!” you say.

Not at all. I’ll say it again: seeing too much of your girl can be a huge problem.

“No way, Vichet, she’s the bees’ knees!”

The bees’ knees she may be, but I guarantee you, spend every spare moment you have with bees’ knees, and you will get sick of ’em.

Or, equally sucky, SHE’LL get sick of YOU.

Here’s an analogous situation for you: ever have a best friend who you could hang out with once or twice a week and be best buds, getting into trouble and farting in each others’ faces?

Then, at some point, you decide you might want to move in with your friend. You bring it up, he’s super excited, you find a place, and next thing you know you’re smoking bud while singing “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley. But not “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin (not Bob Marley).

It’s great at first. You’re seeing your friend every day, and the good times continue for days, weeks, maybe even months, and it’s awesome.

But, at some point, you will probably start to realize that you’re just doing more and more of the same. You guys come back to the apartment and have nothing to talk about because you see each other all the time. Going out has become routine, and boring. You feel like you’re in a funk, or worse – that you’re ignoring other very important parts of your life.

Grim, huh?

And it’s grim, even if you assume that the roommate in particular has no bad habits that piss you off. People having bad habits that you never have to deal with if you don’t live with them – that’s a very specific boundary we can get into later.

Assuming no annoying habits, the only problem there is that you see too much of each other, and then unconsciously started making “just seeing each other” such a high priority in your life (as a habit) that you start to lose the parts of your life you once enjoyed on your own – the things that made each of you the person you wanted to share with the other.

Where’s the balance?

Well, here’s good news.

Remember how I said each person has to have their own independence, their own non-conflicting life goals, and a good amount of chemistry, all aside from proximity?

Well, all you have to do to keep any relationship fresh is to maintain those three: mutual independence, non-conflicting life goals, and chemistry.

The place where most guys f*ck up is when they decide to give up some of these things so that they can spend another measly hour per day doing nothing with their girl. I know guys who have dropped their favorite sport, or the few hours a week where they catch up with their friends, or some goal they had to travel and see the world (shoot, you can even bring the girl on that one), all so they could spend more time sitting in the same room as their girl.

That’s a big no-no.

One, it makes you less interesting to be around.

Two, if you have nothing new to contribute when you do spend time together, that often begins to feel like a waste of time!

So that this makes more sense, an example of not having such boundaries would be if I quit my job (something I do for me) in favor of trying to spend more time with who I’m going out with.

I know that sounds crazy. That’s because it is. And if you think it doesn’t happen, it does. When it does, it’s a case of bad proximity boundaries.

Trust, me, even if you live with someone, there is a way to continue having your own life, and working on yourself as an individual if you prioritize it properly. Your relationship won’t suffer because you both decide to take some “me-time” to keep yourselves happy as individuals. Honestly, having your own life and things going on outside the relationship makes spending time with each other that much more satisfying.

One of the worst things that can happen to a relationship is complacency fed by proximity – meaning you start to take each other for granted because you assume the person will always be around. As human beings, when you see your couch in the same spot in your house every day, you begin to expect it to stay there. It becomes a part of your mental map.

We view people in our lives kind of the same way. You think, “She’s here now, she’ll be here tomorrow.” And you think that spending time with her gives you some sort of high score based on hours you sit in the same room.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t spend any time with your woman. I’m saying to spend GOOD time with your woman. Both of you can decide on how often that is, but all those times you spend together should be good times!

I know people who see each other once a week and are perfectly happy, and mad about each other. I know people who live with each other, and spend 80 percent of their waking hours together every day – that’s a LOT of time! But, they wisely spend that other 20 percent being on their own and making sure the needs that they have to provide for themselves (fulfillment, overall life happiness, personal goals, etc) are being met. They stay mutually independent and fulfilled even though they are together all the time. Instead of becoming each others’ crutches, they help each other build higher than they could on their own.

So, before I leave you to ponder what the right balance and boundaries are, here are quick questions you can ask yourself that will help you find that right balance and boundaries.

Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Do I have things that I MUST get done right now, that I will otherwise be extremely disappointed/unhappy about? Get those things done first! Your problems will become your relationship’s problems if you don’t take care of them.
  2. Are we going to be just sitting in the same room with nothing to talk about, or are we doing something that adds to the relationship? Even something simple like taking a walk adds to your relationship. Make a plan, do an activity, find something that adds value to your time with each other, because time is all we really have.
  3. Do I find myself giving up lots of things, or having her give up lots of things, in order to spend time together? That’s the opposite of balance. Both of you should be very aware of what you’re willing to give up for the relationship. Honestly, if you have to give up anything important at all, that’s kind of weird. Relationships should add to your life, not take away.
  4. Am I excited to see her, or am I doing it out of habit and obligation? If you aren’t excited, that means the quality of your time together is low. Back some of it off and add more value!

Don’t get me wrong – it’s awesome to meet someone who you want to spend all your time with. I mean, that’s what we’re looking for, right?

Thing is, to keep that all fresh, you have to make sure you spend the right kind of time together.

Proximity, people. It’s about balance and boundaries!

Dating Tropes Explained – Part VII – Shit Tests and Crazy Women

So, a lot of guys who come to me for advice are actually part of what you’d call the pick-up community.

“Gasp,” you think. “Is Vichet a PICK UP ARTIST?”

His popularity! His suave presence! I knew it!

Irrelevant.

And I’ll say this in critique/defense of the pick-up community: like any self-help oriented community out there, it has its share of snake oil salesmen. But, there are also lots of genuinely good guys looking out for genuinely good guys, too. So you take the good and ignore the bad.

Anyway, the story is always the same, when a guy comes to me for advice. It’s because something didn’t work out the way he wanted.

And, usually, he’ll start like this:

Hey Vichet, I went on a date with this girl and it seemed to be going pretty well, cause she went dancing with me after, but then when I dropped her off at home she didn’t invite me upstairs. A couple of times during the date she mentioned that she never sleeps with a guy on the first date. I mean, why would she mention that? Was she shit testing me to see if I would try to make a move anyway? Did I fail?

Well, yeah, bro. You did fail. If you define success as getting laid, anyway.

Furthermore, if we wanna take this girl at her word (why not?), you’ve got a TON of leeway between doing nothing, which is what you did up there, and having sex on the first date. I mean, I assume that most girls don’t bang on the first date until they prove otherwise (I make it a point to present the opportunity). But there’s nothin’ wrong with asking if she’d like to have another drink upstairs, and seeing where the boundaries are (remember that “no means no,” and “no that means yes” really just means “crazy”).

But that’s neither here nor there. The main star of this article is the ever-crazy shit test.

For my uninitiated readers, a shit test is defined as the following:

shit test (n) – any situation manufactured and manipulated by a woman to judge the inner character of a man

also…

shit test (v) – to administer said shit test (n)

Above: A classic example of a woman shit testing a man to see if he has an Oedipus complex, and is thus attracted to her because she resembles his mother.

That sounds f*ckin’ crazy, don’t it? That’s because it is exactly that: crazy.

And, since most women aren’t crazy, you really don’t need to worry about this 95 percent of the time. Especially because most of the time, when a guy thinks a woman is crazy, it’s really just because she’s not that into him but is trying her hardest not to be a dick about it.

A shit test is essentially the verbal version of smacking someone in the face just to see what they’ll do. Most women don’t actually do that. Some do.

In almost every case of you getting rejected, shit test or no, you’re still standing there, with this hopeful, boyish, stupid look on your face.

And then you ask…

“But Vichet! How can I PASS the shit test to gain access to her sweet sweet underparts?”

God, damnit! She wasn’t shit testing you! She probably was just not into you!

But fine. I’ll bite. I’ve known, taken out, and even banged some women who have that kind of shit-testy way about them, where they’re thinking “I’m going to put this person in this situation and see what he does.” It happens. When it does, it’s like you’ve won the lottery of having to deal with shitty people.

And there are ways to pass the tests. It involves you lying, not being yourself (because that’s what she’s shit testing), and playing a Cold War game of sexual chicken to see who gives in first. If you’re capable of being more manipulative than a shit-testing woman (good luck), then congrats, you get to spend even more time with this harpy – in BED!

Although I will say all that tension and anger might make the carnal gymnastics a little more interesting, if you’re into that.

Still, back to my point – giving any advice about how to pass a bona-fide shit test is tantamount to putting out fires on a sinking ship – it’s a bad situation you cannot fix by staying on the damned boat!

Let me repeat: women that actively employ shit tests are CRAZY.

Unrepentant, bat-shit crazy with a side of f*ck-up-your-life-and-eat-your-dog insane.

And you want to sleep with this theoretical woman? Or see them more than once?

I mean, have you IMAGINED what being in a relationship with this kind of woman would be like? It’d be torture!

Her – “Hey baby, can you pass the black pepper?”

You – “Sure, babe. Here.”

Her – “You son of a bitch! You KNOW I’m allergic to black pepper! I’m gonna put a baseball in a sock and beat the shit out of you when you fall asleep!”

You – “Aw, man…”

Back in high school, we used to say “bitch be triflin’.”  For all of my non inner-city readers, that can be translated into technical English thusly: “That woman regularly manufactures conflict from non-issues.”

Or maybe you prefer Shakespeare: “Her affectations are the fury of a raging fire! No man or boy hath water ’nuff to quench! That and she a straight up bitch.”

So, advice of the century: if your woman legitimately engineers situations where you will be made a fool if you don’t act in exactly the way she wants, then dump her manipulative, triflin’ ass.

No exceptions. No excuses. For every physically attractive shit testing woman, I can find you an equally physically attractive woman who doesn’t have the narcissistic personality disorder.

I mean, really, come on! Do you need to get laid that badly? Well, here’s a tip:

Now, as a caveat, I will say this. Every woman I have ever met is indeed MUCH more observant than the average guy. But not because she shit tests. She just pays attention. A skill EVERY man needs to have.

My theory is that women are much more observant because they are, in our society, generally put under much more social pressure to look, act, and speak certain ways. This means they have to pay attention to themselves, their own actions and attitudes (and any ties between the traits) much more than the average guy who can get away with farting in front of his friends. The average woman is thus much more able to pick out traits implied by others’ behaviors.

So, if you’re being an dickhead, and you get rejected by twenty woman for being a dickhead, don’t immediately think that they were shit testing you, because you might actually be a dickhead. Ask yourself “are there legitimately things I can improve about myself?”

But, if you’re not a dickhead, you can learn from this. A good woman observes things like whether you’re rude to waitresses, whether you have a bad relationship with your parents, whether you hang out with worthless people, and so on and so forth. She doesn’t shove you into a room with these situations and observe you through a one way mirror – she just lets it happen naturally and chills the f*ck out about it.

You should do the same. Observe women, and be chill. You will see what she’s about. The information will reveal itself without you spending all your effort looking under stones and in dark corners, so you’ll be much less neurotic in action and mind.

This will help you filter out the crazies and the not-crazy-but-incompatible people in your life. You will also filter in the people you can generally get along well with and who understand you.

So there you have it. When it comes to shit tests the only way to pass is to dump her triflin’ ass!

The more you know!