DTE – Part XII – Kino, and Indicators of Interest

What is “kino,” you ask?

It’s how pick-up communities refer to physical touching in a romantic/sexual context. A handshake, a hug, an arm around the waist, a playful punch. You know, cootie central type stuff.

Beyond that, kino is key to establishing and developing physical comfort between two people. Assuming both parties want to be physically comfortable in the first place, or are at least curious about whether they would be. Hint: if you’re on a date with someone, that person is usually curious about whether you both would be physically comfortable with each other, so make a move, jerk.

Most people follow what’s called a “kino escalation ladder,” which sorts specific instances of physical contact by their generally accepted level of intimacy. Read more of this post

DTE – Part XI – Preselection, Deselection, and “Fairness” in the Dating Game

Every person on this earth has an opinion about you from the first moment they see or hear about you, and it goes from there.

Women included.

This is why we do things like dress nicely (or not), speak nicely (or not), and avoid picking our noses in public (or not).

Let that sink in. Everyone has an opinion about you.

Someone’s opinion of you, right now. He may or may not operate a dating advice website, and be named Vichet.

This is actually an awesome thing, because people’s opinions are very easy to make positive.

Read more of this post

Quick Dating Tips – 4 Bad Habits You Learn From Video Games, And How They Affect Your Love Life

Remember my article last week about 5 Useful Things You Learn From Video Games Applied to Dating?

Well, it actually started out as a bigger, unreadably long article.

It actually seemed like a good idea at the time.

It actually seemed like a good idea at the time.

Well, in that bigger article, I also detailed 4 bad habits you learn from video games that will fuck you up for a long time if you allow them to transfer to real life, but I split it off from the main article because it was too much awesome in one place. Lucky you, I’m going to get into that right now!

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Applied Table Theory – Proximity: Long Distance Relationships

Let me start by saying there is no such thing as a long distance relationship.

Sorry. If you’ve never actually met the girl IN person and never spent a significant amount of time interacting with her outside of World of Warcraft, you have no relationship.

If you’re reading this article because that’s what you thought I’d be talking about, get off your computer, become attractive, and go meet some women in real life.

That’s not the focus of this column.

What I’m going to focus on here is a strong relationship that must, for unavoidable reasons, endure periods of distance.

See, what happens to most people, is they get into a relationship, then something happens, and then they end up separated without having broken off the relationship, or defined how it would work given the distance.

The “something” that separates you and your woman could be anything. Could be a new job in a new city that you or she can’t refuse. Could be something like a death in the family, and you’ve gotta fly back home for an indeterminate amount of time to settle the affairs. Could be that the Sith Lords have finally returned to wage war against the Jedi Order, and you’re needed on the outer rim.

Regardless of what causes it, sustained distance causes an undeniable strain on any relationship, and given enough time, will break ANY relationship.

Read more of this post

Off the Cuff #8, Hurricane Edition – “Where do my emotions come in?”

Hey Vichet,

A while back I read your blog about oneitis, and it made so much sense to me.It explained to me why I put these girls (whom I had thought at the time to be the “one”) in a certain light.

After that I started reading more about inner game and outer game (not too extensive but enough to get me to put myself out there) and as a result ended up meeting some great women.

However oneitis, among other things, had slowly crept back into my life and it has once again gotten me hurt. It’s difficult not to invest so much into women you put your time into.

I feel that if I don’t put my emotions into a situation where I want to move more towards a relationship then I won’t get anything out of it. However, I still end up failing and getting hurt.

Do you have any recommendations on how to possibly deal with your emotions when seeing women?

– “Jeff” from Reddit

Hey Jeff,

You ask a very good question. I mean, a lot of the advice I give is to protect you from (needless) heartache in the dating game.

But, if you’re supposed to put all your emotions aside and stay cool and calm about everything while you’re dating a lady… what’s the point?

If the dating game is all about putting up your guard and never trusting anyone, ever… why do it?

A good question indeed. Luckily, it’s got a VERY simple answer.

See, for you, the dating game is a scary, unpredictable place where you can get hurt, and that’s terrible and you have to avoid it at all cost.

For guys like me, the dating game is an unpredictable place, where getting hurt occasionally is okay, and if it happens, meh. We get over it.

The difference between you and me, is a concept you’re already familiar with – inner game.

In the context of Table Theory, it’s all about mutual independence.

See, right now, for you, a large part of your happiness is based on how well you do in dating. You’ve also gotten enough outer game down where you’ve been able to meet some cool women with moderate success.

But, where do you go from there?

The answer is wherever you want. But you’re still new at this. You need guidance.

For veterans, almost none of their overall happiness depends on whether or not they’re dating one, two, ten or a hundred girls.

It really doesn’t matter.

Know why?

Inner game.

I’ll use myself as an example. I have hobbies. I have a job. I keep busy with things that I love, that fulfill my life, that don’t depend on other people to fill in any “happiness gaps.”

Fill your life with the things you love (that have nothing to do with women), and that does two things.

  1. You bring a lot of value to the dating game. You become a happy, fun, interesting guy.
  2. When a girl leaves you for whatever reason, you have something to fall back on so that you don’t go into that “what do I do now” kind of depression I know you’re feeling.

Now, don’t get me wrong – when you really vibe with a girl, you will be invested in her. I don’t care how awesome you are as a person, if you meet a girl that you like, and you date, and she leaves, you’ll feel it.

What you need to realize is that that’s okay. You’ll get over it. It might take longer or shorter, but again, I guarantee you that if you have cool things going on in your life, the shitty post-relationship period that you’re experiencing is a lot easier to deal with.

At some point, if you want people to invest in you, you’ve got to invest in them. It is what it is. But, if the only things you have in your life are things other people are giving you – that’s what makes it so hard to let go and move on if those people take those things away.

Stand on your own two feet.

Having your own life outside of that person is simultaneously one of the biggest factors in moving on from a break-up, and also one of the biggest factors in keeping a girl from breaking up with you in the first place.

Hope that sheds some light. Be well, brotha!

-V