Quick Dating Tips – The “First Date,” featuring Sean Connery as James Bond

“Vichet! Vichet!”

What up wit’ it?

“I got a DATE!”

Congrats, bro. What’chu need?

“Well… I was wondering what I should do for my first date?”

I dunno man, whatever you want.

“… Grab her boobies?”

Okay. I was thinking more along the lines of “drinks at a nice pub” or “watching Shakespeare in the park,” but that’s just me. This is gonna be one of those conversations, huh?

Well, sure. Bold move, sir. Grab her boobies***. At the very least, her reaction will tell you a LOT about her, and sex offender status is for life.

*** Don’t try this on a first date without explicit invitation. Though if you’re smooth enough to get the invite laid out for you, you probably don’t need the advice in this article.

“Alright! Boobie-town for me!”

Right. Boobie-town for you.

For the rest of us, here are my overall guidelines for going out with anyone at anytime:

  • Be fun. There are millions of ways to do this. Figure it out by looking at options and selecting something, instead of always asking for orders from guys like me. Basically, stop being a p*ssy and make your own choices about what to do for once.
  • Have an interesting background. This will give you things to talk about.
  • If she’s standing real close, laughing a lot, and touching you, don’t be afraid to reciprocate.
  • Don’t let your hopes and expectations (“I wonder if this is my dream girl?” Yuck.) turn you into someone who’s not fun.
  • Don’t suddenly change your behavior now that you’re on a “date” with the girl. Easy examples are to become more polite than you normally are, or more rude than you normally are, both to get a reaction. Just be the person that she agreed to spend time with – you – and show her more of the picture.
  • ALWAYS have a backup plan – she might flake. Many times, a broken date is just an opportunity to go out with your boys.
  • Remember – it’s okay to want sex. It’s not okay to feel like a girl OWES you sex. Not only is that patently false, there’s a certain WTF factor in that belief that keeps guys who have it from getting laid. TRUST me.

Pretty simple, right? That’s because it is.

Let’s rehash what’s happened so far:

  1. You met her.
  2. You asked her out.
  3. She said yes.

That’s all we know. That’s it. There will be no conjecture about future events here (Marriage? Baby names?), only reasonable deductions based on what we know, and certain assumptions we can make based on knowing what kind of woman you’d like to be with.

Let’s remember she agreed to the date. If she agreed to go out with you, and if she’s not completely insane (we talked about red flags) or just looking for a free dinner (pay to play), you can probably say that she could imagine some sort of scenario where she’d bang you. I mean, she’s not super sure yet. That’s what these little “dates” are for. She needs to know that you’re also not completely insane.

Well guess what? If you read my red flags article, it’s really easy to tell when a girl is off her rocker!

So where does that leave us?

Oh, right. You were cool enough for her to look at you and say “You know what? Spending time with this guy might be fun.

“Wow, Vichet! Awesome! I’m on the train to Sexytown for sure, now!”

Aaaaaaand that attitude is how guys like you f*ck it up.

There’s something about the realization that a woman might actually sleep with you that turns a lot of guys into spineless idiots. They go from being the cool, not-weird guy who was able to get the date in the first place, to the creepy desperate guy who is always trying to prove himself to a woman that he’s “good enough to sleep with.”

For shame. You know who would never do that?

Sean Connery as James Bond, that’s who (you know, the one who doesn’t smack women in the mouth for no reason).

Well hello, there. This may get very interesting between us. “Very Interesting” is the name of my penis, by the way, hahahaha!

I mean, for one, James Bond would never refer to anything as a “first date.” He’d just call it what it is – two people figuring each other out.

If it progresses, it progresses. If it doesn’t, he moves on. The bottom line here is that an experienced guy treats women with a level head, instead of constantly placing baseless expectations on them. Sure, he’s optimistic – I mean, there had to be SOME reason he wants to go out with the girl, right? But he doesn’t let that optimism go from “I want to find out more about this girl” to “This could be the greatest and best thing to ever happen to me! SEX!”

Secondly, James Bond has nothing to prove to anyone, ever – except himself. He’s an impressive man, not because of his confidence, but because of his accomplishments. He HAS confidence BECAUSE he has done impressive things. Most people get this backwards. They think they can’t do something because they’re “not confident enough.”

Wrong, buddy. Mystery, whatever you may think of him, was right on when he said that “competence breeds confidence.”

Such is the case with James Bond. He is competent at what he does, and has found great success in it. That sense of accomplishment informs his confidence, which becomes independent of what others think of him. And when a person like that enters a room, people will be impressed. He doesn’t have to try any fancy lines (though he does so to hilarious effect). He’s just being James Bond.

And so, he is impressive without trying to impress anyone.

So if our boy James were to go on a “first date” with a woman, he would just be himself. The same self that the woman was curious about in the first place. The same self that got her thinking “I could see a situation in which I’d sleep with this guy.” The same self, whereupon the woman discovers that he’s genuinely cool, who is actually capable of getting the girl, while at the same time not caring too much if he doesn’t.

And then he moves onto the next woman, never to mention the previous one again. Ahem. Whether you choose to do that is your beef, holmes. I’m not the morality police. Ladies, beware!

Bottom line – you’d never see the best James Bond ever to appear on screen whining about how a girl didn’t have sex with him. Or maybe you would, I’m kind of just making things up about Sean Connery at this point.

That brings me to my final, counter-intuitive point – James does not need sex.

You heard me right.

Don’t get me wrong. He enjoys it. He’s always… err… up for it. But not in the sweaty, shifty, anxious way that you are.

That sweaty, shifty, anxious way that you feel about sex – what I call the “I-need-to-get-laid” (INTGL) vibe – is like a fire alarm for women. They can literally smell this on guys.

And if the first thing they notice about a guy is “he’s got a huge boner (metaphorical OR literal… or both) for me,” instead of “this guy is really fun,” guess what? This will be another disappointing night for that man. It’ll play out something like this:

“Jane, I’d like to take you on a date. To be clear, I want to specifically highlight the fact that I’m thrilled that there is a possibility that you and I will have sex. ”

Jane looks at John like he just cut a fart at the pope’s funeral. “Not anymore there isn’t, John.”

Granted, you might not SAY something like that out loud if you’re really excited to be seeing a girl you’ve just met. But your body language will say it. It’ll be screaming “please have sex with me,” because your mind is so dependent on that outcome.

The point is, placing such irrational expectations onto a first meeting with a girl will inevitably end in you not getting laid.

So that said, just have fun. Have the same kind of fun you were having that got the girl curious about you in the first place, and give her more to be curious about. Be like a good spy thriller novel (James Bond?) minus the misogyny and racism.

Because if you’re a fun guy, and the woman wants to have fun with you back, chances are she likes you enough to go out again, and again – and eventually ride the train to Sexytown. Yes, with you.

When this happens, you won’t be asking me questions about how you’re “not sure if she wants to have sex.”