DTE – Part XI – Preselection, Deselection, and “Fairness” in the Dating Game

Every person on this earth has an opinion about you from the first moment they see or hear about you, and it goes from there.

Women included.

This is why we do things like dress nicely (or not), speak nicely (or not), and avoid picking our noses in public (or not).

Let that sink in. Everyone has an opinion about you.

Someone’s opinion of you, right now. He may or may not operate a dating advice website, and be named Vichet.

This is actually an awesome thing, because people’s opinions are very easy to make positive.

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Dating Tropes Explained – Part IX – “Relationships Require a Lot of Effort”

You’ve heard this one before:

Relationships require a lot of effort.

A valid concern.

And you know what? It’s true. They do require a lot of effort.

But that doesn’t mean that a good relationship is supposed to be difficult or unrewarding 90 percent of the time!

Why am I mentioning this? Because there’s a problem: a lot of people take the original spirit of this phrase and pervert it into a cop-out.

Picture any of the following scenarios. Some of them might even stack on top of each other:

  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who is an alcoholic that throws up in the bed, and forgets what day it is at least twice a week.
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who can’t take care of herself and makes her problems into your problems
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who picks fights and always makes you out to be a bad guy
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who hits you
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who belittles you, both in private and in public
  • You’re in a relationship with a woman who has cheated on you

Have you seen, heard of, or worse, been in one of those situations?

Yes?

Did the phrase “relationships require a lot of effort” come up at some point, too?

Yes?

Oh boy… are you starting to see the problem I was referring to?

I bet you’ve said something like this before, too, one of the thousands of times you’ve complained about your situation while you were in it:

Well, I know she’s not perfectwhen times are good, she really IS sweet to me. I mean, it’s all about compromise, right? If I want things my way all the time, that’d be selfish.

She’ll calm down someday.

Right.

Shit, I’ve done that myself a few times. All while knowing deep down that the girl wasn’t gonna change, at least not for the relationship’s sake – she had a perfectly good sucker (me) to take the load of her terrible personality off her shoulders!

But, okay, I’ll bite – she’s not perfect. You’ve got a good point there. No one’s perfect. We shouldn’t expect a girl to be perfect, because then WE become the abusers.

But, see there are degrees of “not perfect.”

I know this great guy. Let’s call him Jake. Jake is a stand-up fella. He does charity work, has his own things going on in life, and is nice to everyone he meets.

Jake is really shy, though. A lot of times, he won’t talk to a girl he likes, just because. “He’s not perfect.”

Your triflin’ ass woman? Yeah, she’s not perfect. But in the way that a rotten bag of meat isn’t perfect. Meaning she’s a shitty person.

“No one is perfect” is not a license for anyone to be a full-on dickweed, holmes!

Also, what “good times” were you referring to, up there? The 24 hours between beatings?

Has it occurred to you that there are people out there without massively abusive/reckless personalities?

And that THOSE people are calm TODAY, and are calm almost EVERY day? That they won’t need to get their shit together “someday” because they’ve already got it handled now?

Jesus Leper-Loving Christ…

But you know what? I’m gonna turn this situation around. Your significant(-ly broken on an irreparable level) other is not the real dick here.

You are.

Yep, you.

Wanna know why?

Because you can do better, but you actively convince yourself not to.

That other person might have some mental health issue, or something like that. And sure, they can do better, too. But they might have it harder than you.

Either way, their situation is irrelevant, because you can just leave. Why haven’t you?

You don’t owe her anything. I don’t care if she saved you from a burning building. Shit, she probably did that because if she didn’t she’d have to find someone new to beat on.

I can’t stress this enough, guys – if she’s abusive, you LEAVE. Find out where your balls went, go get ’em, and leave.

Remember my article on mutual independence, where I say that you have to be completely independent of your woman so that you can recognize unacceptable behaviors for what they are? How about my article on having life goals, and achieving happiness fulfillment with your own two hands, independent of women – so that way, you stop looking for validation in other, theoretically shitty and abusive people?

Yeah. Read those again.

And anytime you’re in a relationship and you’re thinking “relationships require a lot of effort,” think real hard about why you even had to reassure yourself of that.

Instead, maybe you should use my expanded corollary to this cliche:

  1. Good relationships require a lot of effort from both parties, and are rewarding, making the effort unnoticeable and easy over time.
  2. Bad relationships just plain require YOUR effort, and in return just give you emotional problems.

And if you find yourself in one of those bad relationships, leave. No discussion, no negotiation – just LEAVE.

Stay healthy, fellas, both mentally and physically!

Quick Dating Tips – 6 Things That Nice Guys Can Learn from Assholes

I’ve covered some of the incongruities of the typical “nice guy” in my DTE article “Nice guys finish last, and assholes get the girl, featuring Peter Parker and Tony Stark… and Rocky Balboa.”

In that article, I explained why supplicant, people-pleasing, doormat type behaviors don’t enable attraction to grow between people. What’s worse, it usually kills attraction.

But, what can the helpless nice guy, who is genuinely nice at heart but often clueless when it comes to women, do to make sure he puts his best nice-foot forward?

Well, that’s where the assholes come in.

Assholes always accept the challenge.

I’ve compiled a short, sweet list of 6 Things That Nice Guys Can Learn from Assholes.

1) Be more selfish.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. You’re a nice guy, and when you were young, you were told that selfish behavior was a cardinal sin.

But now you’re older, and you may not have noticed, but there aren’t a ton of people looking out for you, dawg. Sure, there’s your good friends, who do good for you and expect the same – they’re looking out for you. But what about the hangers on? The people who always seem to need something, but are never around when you’re in a spot?

Well, in short, f*ck ’em.

See, this is something assholes, being naturally selfish, are VERY good at doing. If someone doesn’t bring value to the table almost immediately, the asshole doesn’t give him or her the time of day.

You might say that’s crass. You might say that’s rude. You might say that’s Draconian.

But hey, you’re a nice guy. Aren’t you always doing something nice or putting your best foot forward when you first meet someone.

Is it so unfair to others to expect the same?

Your heart says yes while your brain says no. Listen to your brain, it’s what keeps you from doing a lot of stupid shit.

Furthermore, assholes know what they want, and aren’t spending all their time thinking about other people’s opinions… which brings me to my next point.

2) Stop putting value on the opinions of strangers, and others who aren’t close/helpful to you.

Look, I’m not saying that you should ignore everyone’s opinions and do what you want ALL the time. That would make you a full-on asshole. We don’t want that.

I AM telling you, however, that if someone is nay-saying you about something important, and that person has done the equivalent of jack-shit when it comes to contributing to your life, then you need to cut that person out.

What was that phrase I used up there? Oh yeah, f*ck ’em.

Assholes, again, are great at this. They know who is helping them with their goals, and who isn’t. They cut out all non-hackers in their life, and just move on.

3) Have a slightly unreasonable measure of confidence in yourself.

Know how we got to the moon?

Some assholes strapped themselves to a seat in a metal tube, attached to another metal tube carrying thousands of tons of explosive material, while being directed by other geeky assholes who made some calculations about the likelihood that the assholes in the metal tube would even survive ignition, all at the request of some American government assholes who were embroiled in the biggest pissing match of the 20th century with some Russky assholes, because god damnit if we were gonna let the Russkies get there first!

I’m gonna go hang out where there’s no air. For America.

Okay, that might be oversimplifying it a bit.

But, do you think any of that would have gotten done if everyone was thinking with their nice guy caps?

At some point, each person in the whole space program (and every other great human achievement) was like “this is totally going to work.”

I mean, yes, GREAT engineers and the finest minds of the time were all involved in the planning process. But some asshole has to say “okay, we’re doing it,” because all the planning in the world wouldn’t have meant diddly-shit if something unpredictable like a 1 lb space rock happens to hit the rocket on the way up.

If you need another example of great human achievement that involved assholes, look at computers. Think of the asshole who was like “man, f*ck all this math. I want to build a machine that harnesses the primal forces of nature to do all this shit, so I can give less of a shit every day about it.”

When it comes to personal development, it ALWAYS pays to be an asshole, because you’re not even risking other people. You’re only risking yourself.

So with that in mind, be an asshole when it comes to your own goals. And on that note…

4) Be okay with being out of your comfort zone, and take other people out of their comfort zones just for a second to size them up.

This will help you greatly with women.

The comfort zone is that special place where you don’t want to get anything done. Well, you “want” to. But you won’t, because you’re comfortable.

Man, f*ck that.

You think assholes are comfortable? Hell naw! They’re assholes! Most of the time they KNOW they’re assholes. They’re kind of okay with that, though, even if other people aren’t. And, when they get over their egos, they become very powerful, very mobile assholes.

You should be one of these.

See, if you’re already out of your comfort zone by forgoing the shelter of other people’s opinions, all while holding yourself up to your own ambitions, you will just get stuff done.

You’ll be the guy who walks up to the girl and gets her number, instead of telling yourself “nah, she’s not interested,” or “I don’t want to bother her.”

Sure someone might say “you can’t just walk up to a girl without invitation or a written affidavit that says she wants to talk to you!”

Well, f*ck that guy. It’s okay to invade someone else’s comfort zone for two seconds to introduce yourself. You don’t have to be the asshole who sticks around after he’s clearly told that he’s not welcome, but you DO have to be the asshole who puts himself out there if you want to meet people.

5) Take a risk, and be okay with making mistakes.

Assholes mess up all the time. They’re okay with that. Nice guys are the ones who go to pieces when things don’t work out, or don’t even start because things might not work out.

To an asshole, the reward is worth the risk.

To a nice guy, the risk is always too great.

Is it a wonder why assholes get the girl?

Are you, as a nice guy, really going to let that asshole get the girl because YOU think the odds are too long for you to risk embarrassment by going up to the girl and starting the conversation?

Well, if you’re going to be a nice guy about it, you WILL let the asshole get the girl.

And then you’ll be this.

6) Quit taking everything so seriously and have more fun.

Again, fun and unpredictability are where the asshole excels. Nice guys are always trying to be mild-mannered, polite, and predictable. That shit’s boring.

Assholes spice it up. They take very few things seriously. They play a lot of games. Not mind games (well, not always) – actual games. Like tag. Or grab-ass. Or doctor. Bow-chicka-bow.

They’re in touch with their inner child, and, again, know what they want out of life, and are selfish enough to go for it.

Just don’t be in touch with outer children.

Did you know she was 16?

The grain of salt: It is possible to take on all of these positive asshole qualities without being a dickheaded sociopath who steps all over everyone so that he can have a little fun. Just remember you can’t please everyone all the time and you shouldn’t try to.

Again, there’s a big grey area between “knowing what you want and having the resolve to ignore nay-sayers,” and being a balls-to-the-wall asshole about stomping on other people.

I like to call the difference between harmless assholery and harmful assholery “being a dickhead.”

Don’t be a dickheaded asshole.

Do be a fun, driven, risk-taking asshole who knows what he wants in life and actively seeks out those who will contribute to the ride!

Dating Tropes Explained – Part IV – Nice guys finish last, and assholes get the girl, featuring Peter Parker and Tony Stark… and Rocky Balboa

“Vichet!”

Why, hello, movie version of Peter Parker who is not as convoluted as the comic version of Peter Parker.

“Why does Mary Jane always go for asshole jocks like Flash Thompson?”

Wow.

No “How are you?”

No “I need your help to defeat the Green Goblin?”

You just roll up in here with your broke ass, and straight up rap to me about your personal problems? Shit, man, I was getting robbed last week. Where were you? How come whenever I’M getting robbed, Peter Parker is too busy?

“Oh… I was saving Mary Jane.”

Yeah, see? That’s the problem right there. You’re a “nice guy.”

“What’s wrong with being a nice guy?”

No, I didn’t say nice guy. I said “nice guy.”

Pete, the nice guy that makes you put on the mask to stop crime, you know, Spiderman? Nothings wrong with him. He’s genuinely nice, and I’m not talking about him. I don’t mean this about any nice guy who is genuinely nice.

No, what I’m talking about here is a “nice guy” who’s trying to be “nice” because women like to say they “want a nice guy.” Guys like you, Peter Parker, who take that cliche and run with it, hoping their routine will somehow teleport their spider-boner into her pants.

No one wins in this situation.

Here is an example of things I’m sure you’ve done to be “nice” (to try to get into a woman’s pants):

  • Holding doors open
  • Going shopping with her
  • Paying for everything
  • Listening to her personal problems (sometimes even about her asshole boyfriend)
  • Bailing her out of jail
  • Driving her to her appointments
  • Doing tons of things that are strictly her responsibility
  • etc etc etc

“Wha? What’s wrong with doing those things? I’m just a nice guy!”

You know, Spidey IS a nice guy. That’s not what I’m knocking down. All of those things up there are nice things. But Spidey would do them without expecting anything in return. Any guy could do those things (occasionally) for his closest and truest friends (guys and girls – though girls can get the wrong idea because of people like Peter Parker). Those kinds of guys are genuine nice guys.

But see, I’m talking to YOU, Peter Parker. And you’re not being totally honest with yourself or Mary Jane when you’re doing those things up there, because you’re trying to do those “nice” things in the hopes of banging Mary Jane, which makes you a) deceitful, and b) a pussy (again, sorry for the slur, ladies), neither of which are attractive qualities.

“But Vichet, I heard that women love it when guys do that stuff!”

Ha! Who’d you hear that from? A woman?

“…”

Yeah. Thought so. It’s true, women love getting that kinda treatment. But that doesn’t make them attracted to the person who is giving them that treatment. If anything, it makes them LESS attracted to the person, because he’s less a man and more a lap dog. These supplicant behaviors are just not the type of thing that creates attraction.

Readers – you’ve probably done all those things up there for some girl, and then when you finally tried to make a move, she probably said “let’s just be friends,” followed by “I don’t want to complicate our friendship.” I know I’ve had my share of those conversations, whoo-whee.

Consider this: if a woman who you weren’t attracted to (let’s say she smells REALLY bad) started doing nice stuff for you expecting sex or a romantic relationship in return, you’d think she was out of her f*ckin’ mind. Or at least you would, if you were getting laid more regularly. With a “nice guy” like you, I can’t tell how low you’d stoop. At least to doormat level.

How do I know? I’ve been there.

But back to you, Pete.

“Wait… so should I be an asshole to her, like Flash?”

No! Only low quality women stick around with assholes.  In my unprofessional, uncertified experience, it’s because they lack the self-esteem to hold themselves to a higher standard and strive for better. Women like this are the female equivalent of “nice guy” men – like you, Peter Parker – who are too afraid of being alone to learn how to become real men, and instead try to use women and romantic relationships as a band-aid for their personal problems.

“Oh, I get it. So I shouldn’t go for girls who are into assholes – I’m too high quality for them, right? ”

Hold on there, chief. If Flash is an asshole, and Mary Jane is the low quality woman picking him over you, where does that put YOU?

“Oh dear god. How am I supposed to woo Mary Jane as a low quality man?!”

Pete, we’ve discussed your oneitis and how, if you were a better man, you probably wouldn’t even be considering Mary Jane “No Self Respect” Watson.  You said it – you’re a low quality man. If anything, Flash Thompson is at worst an immature man-child, but at least he knows what he’s capable of and what he can get. You’re the real asshole for being capable of better, but not expecting more of yourself.

“Vichet! How can I fix this?”

Well, that’s easy. Conceptually, anyway. Let me introduce you to my boy, Tony Stark.

“Hi there.” Tony waves and cracks a grade-schooler grin the size of Texas.

“Vichet,” Peter says, with a hint of embarassment. “I already know Tony. He’s Iron Man.” Pete whispers that last part, as if not everyone already knows.

“Haha,” Tony laughs. “You’ve got it backwards, Parker – Iron Man is me. My creation. All Tony.”

That’s right Pete. Don’t confuse the man’s symbol for the man’s success. Success is deeper than what you see.

“Bah,” Pete says, incredulously. “Tony’s an asshole just like Flash, though!”

Well, yeah, he is kind of an asshole. But definitely not like Flash is.

“You flatter me, Vichet,” Tony agrees.

Ya damn right, Tony. Only I could flatter an imaginary billionaire genius inventor.

“Touche,” Tony says.

So Pete, listen up – here’s what we know about Tony:

  • Crazy smart
  • Very successful in all the fields he cares about
  • Has the drive to go for what he wants and work for it
  • Has the wisdom to recognize what he doesn’t want (granted, after he almost died and had the arc reactor installed in his chest) and leave it behind
  • Is widely considered to be a ladies’ man or womanizer/man-whore (by the never-ending string of women he has left in his wake)

Now let’s see how Tony’s behavior manifests in how he treats women:

  • Women are a part of his life, not his whole life
  • Women flock to him because they are fascinated by his achievements – I mean, come on! Imaginary billionaire genius inventor! The guy is basically Batman by Marvel.

“Hey now,” Tony says. “I’m way more fun than Batman. I mean, he’s got the whole darkness thing going on, it’s pretty cool. Suits him. Huge tight-ass, though.”

Okay, okay. Batman mashed up with the Joker, minus the homicidal tendencies. Happy?

“… a little better, yeah. Say, got any gin? I’m feelin’ a Tom Collins.”

I love Tom Collinses, Tony. There’s a handle of Tanquerey in the back – shake ’em up!

“Will do.” Tony heads over to the imaginary bar across the room we’re both standing in with Peter Parker. Oh, and Aquaman is here, too.  Just chillin. Not many super villains in the ocean.

Back to the description of Tony’s relationship with the female half of the race:

  • Because Tony is a jet-setting, busy man saving the world and inventing things, he rarely has time for relationships
  • The women he sleeps with choose him because he’s awesome
  • He treats them well – why wouldn’t he?
  • He keeps it casual
  • If he has to leave, he has to leave
  • Some women consider him a womanizer, because he has to leave often.

“I don’t see how that justifies his womanizing,” Pete says.

“Actually,” Tony says, “I turn down quite a few women. I’ve gotten really good at telling which ones are crazy. Actually, I’ve got a heuristics processor in my suit that gives me a weighted running average of any woman’s potential craziness as I’m speaking to her. I only sleep with the ones who won’t try to stab me later.”

Exactly, Pete. What you need to understand is that for a guy as successful as Tony, his “womanizing” is a product of his environment. It’s not like he’s “on the hunt” for women. Women are on the hunt for him! In fact, he’s not doing anything besides being himself (successful, normal people are allowed to do that). He shows them a good time, because HE’S a good time. And then guys like you vilify him for not wanting to be nailed down to a relationship when he knows that 90 percent of the time it wouldn’t be worth his effort with a particular person.

Just because marriage isn’t his number one goal in life and he isn’t willing to just randomly settle for the first woman who shows any sort of interest in him… sheesh! You ever think that maybe some of these women weren’t up to HIS standard?

Tony comes back with two Tom Collinses and a cosmopolitan. He hands the cosmo to Pete. “For the lady,” he says.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, Tony, that was cold! Don’t kick Pete while he’s down. I already did!

“Won’t his accelerated spider healing – that sounds about right – fix him up or whatever?”

You’re thinking of Wolverine.

“Right. Where’s he? I could use a cigar.”

Pete sips his cosmo as I shrug. Insulted as he is, Pete can’t help but give Tony a thumbs up for making a damn good cocktail. Which is another reason why Tony Stark is awesome. We raise our glasses.

Just remember, Pete, if a woman he leaves calls him a player, or womanizer, she’s forgetting that she chose to sleep with him too, and it’s not as if she didn’t know his priorities – they can’t expect to just walk into his life and neuter him on the first date. The man is Tony Stark – and he got successful and became Tony Stark by having his priorities straight.

That means bending over for nobody – not a man, not a woman, no one. Sure, he offers a helping hand to those in need, but that doesn’t include being their doormat. He’s still a pretty nice guy. And if he chooses to stick with a woman, you can be damn sure she’ll worth his time.

“Hmm…” Pete hums. “I never thought of it that way.”

“Well, you’re not a billionaire genius inventor,” Tony quips.

Tony…

“Oh, right,” he apologizes. “Imaginary billionaire genius inventor.”

I smack my forehead.

You know, Pete – successful as he is, you do have a point about some guys being a little too full of themselves.

“I’m so full of myself I had to build a high-tech iron – actually a poly-carbide hyperalloy (Just kidding. A regular alloy, proprietary to Stark Industries, super strong) suit to hold my ego.”

Your Iron Man suit?

“No – special condoms.”

Touche, Tony, Touche.

So to recap:

  • Doormat type behaviors do not enhance your viability as a mate, because they just show a woman that you have nothing going on in your life
  • Being a happy, successful guy (part of this is how you define it) who knows what he wants out of life (outside of women) is what really makes you attractive to the type of woman best suited for you (and also a ton of women NOT suited for you)
  • Prepare to have a lot of holier-than-thou haters when you start becoming successful – there is a crazy reasoning and rationale behind their angst, but it does you no good trying to understand it, and it’d be destructive to you to actually listen to them (unless they’re more successful than you are)
  • “If you know what you’re worth, go out and get what you’re worth” -Rocky Balboa

Thanks for that last one, Rock.

“No problem, ‘Chet.” Sly Stallone as Rock raises his beer. “Say – could I maybe invite Bruce Willis and Dolph Lundgren over here, too?”

Hell yeah! 80s action star party, go!