Quick Dating Tips – Morning Delight… or Sex… or Whatever (Hide and Seek: Penis Edition?)

Hey there, fellas.

So, today, I’m going to talk about morning sex, which is awesome, but has to be done right.

You, this morning, after having sex.

“Mothaf*ckin’ sweet with a side of titties,” you exclaim. “What awesome bedroom tips are you going to give me that will put me in the hospital?”

Hold on there, guy. I’m not giving you tips for the actual sex part. There’s this thing called the internet for that, and I’m pretty sure some of my relatives read my blog.

See? I DO have shame. A lifetime of growing up Asian will do that to you.

Instead, I’m going to talk about morning sex etiquette. Mostly because I’m tired of hearing this gross stuff that goes on in the morning between people who are not me. Some of the things in this article are so obvious (yet not getting done) that I was almost shocked to hear them. A lot of these complaints come from my lady friends about their boyfriends/f*ck buddies/hired escorts, but these tips are equally crucial for the ladies. I mean, what the f*ck ladies? Sometimes you do this ridiculous shit, too!

Without further introduction, I bring to you the Dos and Don’ts of Morning Sex. It’s a short list.

Do have mints and drinking water (you need both) near the bed, or brush yo teef.

This goes for both ladies and men. Do I really need to explain this? I mean, you wake up, and I don’t care how bad your sense of smell is, if it feels like your mouth is full of tar, trust me – that shit stank.

Or how about this? ASSUME it stinks!

I mean, really. Do you wake up every morning and actually ask yourself if your breath smells bad enough to warrant brushing your teeth? As if you wouldn’t otherwise? Are you f*cking kidding me?  Don’t get all ashamed of it. Just fix it. Have one of those mints and drinking water on your nightstand, or brush your teeth. Simple. Takes 2 minutes, and your screwing will go smoothly.

Oral? Quickly wash your junk.

For me this is easy, because first thing I do in the morning is go to the bathroom. And if you, the male reader, want her to put her mouth on it (who knows, you might not) then have the courtesy of giving it a quick soap and water treatment beforehand. If you have a bidet, awesome. If not, just squat in the tub for 15 seconds. Make sure you wash from the top of your butt crack to the bottom of the belly button. I would still recommend this even if you don’t really care about blowjobs in the morning. But hey, if there is no oral in the morning, this is probably skippable.

Man, I wish I had a bidet.

You gotta wake up on time.

Don’t get me wrong – morning sex is awesome. But it shouldn’t be interfering (regularly) with the rest of your life, or it will quickly become argument fodder.

If you have to show up to work on time every day, and you know you don’t have enough time for quickie anal between taking a shower and commuting to work, then you might want to waylay the morning sex until the weekend, or maybe wake up 30 minutes earlier next morning.

I will say that, once in a while, it’s nice to be late to work because of sex . Just don’t get fired.

Have snacks available for after.

Know how you’re hungry in the morning?

You will be at least 3 times hungrier after morning sex (the zero calorie snack). It’s nice to have cereal bars or something small to munch on so that the morning romp doesn’t make you go out and buy food you’ll regret later that day.

See? I told you it was a short list. With these simple considerations, reader, you can keep your woman/man from complaining to me about the grossness of touching you in your private parts in the morning.

Now go out there and bang someone in the morning while smelling nice and having snacks.

Dating Tropes Explained – Part IV – Nice guys finish last, and assholes get the girl, featuring Peter Parker and Tony Stark… and Rocky Balboa

“Vichet!”

Why, hello, movie version of Peter Parker who is not as convoluted as the comic version of Peter Parker.

“Why does Mary Jane always go for asshole jocks like Flash Thompson?”

Wow.

No “How are you?”

No “I need your help to defeat the Green Goblin?”

You just roll up in here with your broke ass, and straight up rap to me about your personal problems? Shit, man, I was getting robbed last week. Where were you? How come whenever I’M getting robbed, Peter Parker is too busy?

“Oh… I was saving Mary Jane.”

Yeah, see? That’s the problem right there. You’re a “nice guy.”

“What’s wrong with being a nice guy?”

No, I didn’t say nice guy. I said “nice guy.”

Pete, the nice guy that makes you put on the mask to stop crime, you know, Spiderman? Nothings wrong with him. He’s genuinely nice, and I’m not talking about him. I don’t mean this about any nice guy who is genuinely nice.

No, what I’m talking about here is a “nice guy” who’s trying to be “nice” because women like to say they “want a nice guy.” Guys like you, Peter Parker, who take that cliche and run with it, hoping their routine will somehow teleport their spider-boner into her pants.

No one wins in this situation.

Here is an example of things I’m sure you’ve done to be “nice” (to try to get into a woman’s pants):

  • Holding doors open
  • Going shopping with her
  • Paying for everything
  • Listening to her personal problems (sometimes even about her asshole boyfriend)
  • Bailing her out of jail
  • Driving her to her appointments
  • Doing tons of things that are strictly her responsibility
  • etc etc etc

“Wha? What’s wrong with doing those things? I’m just a nice guy!”

You know, Spidey IS a nice guy. That’s not what I’m knocking down. All of those things up there are nice things. But Spidey would do them without expecting anything in return. Any guy could do those things (occasionally) for his closest and truest friends (guys and girls – though girls can get the wrong idea because of people like Peter Parker). Those kinds of guys are genuine nice guys.

But see, I’m talking to YOU, Peter Parker. And you’re not being totally honest with yourself or Mary Jane when you’re doing those things up there, because you’re trying to do those “nice” things in the hopes of banging Mary Jane, which makes you a) deceitful, and b) a pussy (again, sorry for the slur, ladies), neither of which are attractive qualities.

“But Vichet, I heard that women love it when guys do that stuff!”

Ha! Who’d you hear that from? A woman?

“…”

Yeah. Thought so. It’s true, women love getting that kinda treatment. But that doesn’t make them attracted to the person who is giving them that treatment. If anything, it makes them LESS attracted to the person, because he’s less a man and more a lap dog. These supplicant behaviors are just not the type of thing that creates attraction.

Readers – you’ve probably done all those things up there for some girl, and then when you finally tried to make a move, she probably said “let’s just be friends,” followed by “I don’t want to complicate our friendship.” I know I’ve had my share of those conversations, whoo-whee.

Consider this: if a woman who you weren’t attracted to (let’s say she smells REALLY bad) started doing nice stuff for you expecting sex or a romantic relationship in return, you’d think she was out of her f*ckin’ mind. Or at least you would, if you were getting laid more regularly. With a “nice guy” like you, I can’t tell how low you’d stoop. At least to doormat level.

How do I know? I’ve been there.

But back to you, Pete.

“Wait… so should I be an asshole to her, like Flash?”

No! Only low quality women stick around with assholes.  In my unprofessional, uncertified experience, it’s because they lack the self-esteem to hold themselves to a higher standard and strive for better. Women like this are the female equivalent of “nice guy” men – like you, Peter Parker – who are too afraid of being alone to learn how to become real men, and instead try to use women and romantic relationships as a band-aid for their personal problems.

“Oh, I get it. So I shouldn’t go for girls who are into assholes – I’m too high quality for them, right? ”

Hold on there, chief. If Flash is an asshole, and Mary Jane is the low quality woman picking him over you, where does that put YOU?

“Oh dear god. How am I supposed to woo Mary Jane as a low quality man?!”

Pete, we’ve discussed your oneitis and how, if you were a better man, you probably wouldn’t even be considering Mary Jane “No Self Respect” Watson.  You said it – you’re a low quality man. If anything, Flash Thompson is at worst an immature man-child, but at least he knows what he’s capable of and what he can get. You’re the real asshole for being capable of better, but not expecting more of yourself.

“Vichet! How can I fix this?”

Well, that’s easy. Conceptually, anyway. Let me introduce you to my boy, Tony Stark.

“Hi there.” Tony waves and cracks a grade-schooler grin the size of Texas.

“Vichet,” Peter says, with a hint of embarassment. “I already know Tony. He’s Iron Man.” Pete whispers that last part, as if not everyone already knows.

“Haha,” Tony laughs. “You’ve got it backwards, Parker – Iron Man is me. My creation. All Tony.”

That’s right Pete. Don’t confuse the man’s symbol for the man’s success. Success is deeper than what you see.

“Bah,” Pete says, incredulously. “Tony’s an asshole just like Flash, though!”

Well, yeah, he is kind of an asshole. But definitely not like Flash is.

“You flatter me, Vichet,” Tony agrees.

Ya damn right, Tony. Only I could flatter an imaginary billionaire genius inventor.

“Touche,” Tony says.

So Pete, listen up – here’s what we know about Tony:

  • Crazy smart
  • Very successful in all the fields he cares about
  • Has the drive to go for what he wants and work for it
  • Has the wisdom to recognize what he doesn’t want (granted, after he almost died and had the arc reactor installed in his chest) and leave it behind
  • Is widely considered to be a ladies’ man or womanizer/man-whore (by the never-ending string of women he has left in his wake)

Now let’s see how Tony’s behavior manifests in how he treats women:

  • Women are a part of his life, not his whole life
  • Women flock to him because they are fascinated by his achievements – I mean, come on! Imaginary billionaire genius inventor! The guy is basically Batman by Marvel.

“Hey now,” Tony says. “I’m way more fun than Batman. I mean, he’s got the whole darkness thing going on, it’s pretty cool. Suits him. Huge tight-ass, though.”

Okay, okay. Batman mashed up with the Joker, minus the homicidal tendencies. Happy?

“… a little better, yeah. Say, got any gin? I’m feelin’ a Tom Collins.”

I love Tom Collinses, Tony. There’s a handle of Tanquerey in the back – shake ’em up!

“Will do.” Tony heads over to the imaginary bar across the room we’re both standing in with Peter Parker. Oh, and Aquaman is here, too.  Just chillin. Not many super villains in the ocean.

Back to the description of Tony’s relationship with the female half of the race:

  • Because Tony is a jet-setting, busy man saving the world and inventing things, he rarely has time for relationships
  • The women he sleeps with choose him because he’s awesome
  • He treats them well – why wouldn’t he?
  • He keeps it casual
  • If he has to leave, he has to leave
  • Some women consider him a womanizer, because he has to leave often.

“I don’t see how that justifies his womanizing,” Pete says.

“Actually,” Tony says, “I turn down quite a few women. I’ve gotten really good at telling which ones are crazy. Actually, I’ve got a heuristics processor in my suit that gives me a weighted running average of any woman’s potential craziness as I’m speaking to her. I only sleep with the ones who won’t try to stab me later.”

Exactly, Pete. What you need to understand is that for a guy as successful as Tony, his “womanizing” is a product of his environment. It’s not like he’s “on the hunt” for women. Women are on the hunt for him! In fact, he’s not doing anything besides being himself (successful, normal people are allowed to do that). He shows them a good time, because HE’S a good time. And then guys like you vilify him for not wanting to be nailed down to a relationship when he knows that 90 percent of the time it wouldn’t be worth his effort with a particular person.

Just because marriage isn’t his number one goal in life and he isn’t willing to just randomly settle for the first woman who shows any sort of interest in him… sheesh! You ever think that maybe some of these women weren’t up to HIS standard?

Tony comes back with two Tom Collinses and a cosmopolitan. He hands the cosmo to Pete. “For the lady,” he says.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, Tony, that was cold! Don’t kick Pete while he’s down. I already did!

“Won’t his accelerated spider healing – that sounds about right – fix him up or whatever?”

You’re thinking of Wolverine.

“Right. Where’s he? I could use a cigar.”

Pete sips his cosmo as I shrug. Insulted as he is, Pete can’t help but give Tony a thumbs up for making a damn good cocktail. Which is another reason why Tony Stark is awesome. We raise our glasses.

Just remember, Pete, if a woman he leaves calls him a player, or womanizer, she’s forgetting that she chose to sleep with him too, and it’s not as if she didn’t know his priorities – they can’t expect to just walk into his life and neuter him on the first date. The man is Tony Stark – and he got successful and became Tony Stark by having his priorities straight.

That means bending over for nobody – not a man, not a woman, no one. Sure, he offers a helping hand to those in need, but that doesn’t include being their doormat. He’s still a pretty nice guy. And if he chooses to stick with a woman, you can be damn sure she’ll worth his time.

“Hmm…” Pete hums. “I never thought of it that way.”

“Well, you’re not a billionaire genius inventor,” Tony quips.

Tony…

“Oh, right,” he apologizes. “Imaginary billionaire genius inventor.”

I smack my forehead.

You know, Pete – successful as he is, you do have a point about some guys being a little too full of themselves.

“I’m so full of myself I had to build a high-tech iron – actually a poly-carbide hyperalloy (Just kidding. A regular alloy, proprietary to Stark Industries, super strong) suit to hold my ego.”

Your Iron Man suit?

“No – special condoms.”

Touche, Tony, Touche.

So to recap:

  • Doormat type behaviors do not enhance your viability as a mate, because they just show a woman that you have nothing going on in your life
  • Being a happy, successful guy (part of this is how you define it) who knows what he wants out of life (outside of women) is what really makes you attractive to the type of woman best suited for you (and also a ton of women NOT suited for you)
  • Prepare to have a lot of holier-than-thou haters when you start becoming successful – there is a crazy reasoning and rationale behind their angst, but it does you no good trying to understand it, and it’d be destructive to you to actually listen to them (unless they’re more successful than you are)
  • “If you know what you’re worth, go out and get what you’re worth” -Rocky Balboa

Thanks for that last one, Rock.

“No problem, ‘Chet.” Sly Stallone as Rock raises his beer. “Say – could I maybe invite Bruce Willis and Dolph Lundgren over here, too?”

Hell yeah! 80s action star party, go!